Interracial marriages face social stigma

By Pandaya and Ida Indawati Khouw

JAKARTA (JP): When Widodo knelt at the altar, exchanged wedding rings with Yanti and vowed to live as husband and wife on that happy day seven years ago, his father was the only relative on hand.

Up until today, Widodo, 45, does not know why his relatives "boycotted" his wedding ceremony in a West Jakarta Catholic church. Staying away from such an occasion is very unusual in his Javanese tradition which honors family values.

"I wasn't interested in asking why they refused to come," says Widodo. "I can only guess. They were unhappy that I was marrying a woman of Chinese descent, or they wanted me to devote my life to the church. Or a combination of both."

But as time goes by and the marriage remains happy, Widodo's sour relationship with his relatives is returning to normal. They call him like they used to.

"When they have a family problem, they call and ask me for advice," he grinned in victory.

Widodo's experience is possibly typical with a marriage between a pribumi (indigenous person) and an Indonesian of Chinese descent.

Interracial couples said in separate interviews with The Jakarta Post that the first problem they encountered after announcing their marriage plans was cultural presumptions from their families.

For instance, the Chinese are often unfairly assumed to be "economic animals", close-fisted people who cluster in exclusive enclaves and lack empathy toward people outside their circles.

While among people of Chinese descent, the pribumi are often considered lazy, corruptible and spendthrifts. Among the more traditional Chinese, the pribumi may be looked down upon for their lower economic standing.

At the national level, Chinese-Indonesians, who comprise a small minority of the 205 million population, but seem to dominate commercial activities, have often been made scapegoats in times of hardship.

Although mixed marriages are known to have occurred in ancient times, it remains tricky nowadays when anti-Chinese sentiment is simmering across the country, especially in large cities.

By and large, marriage is seen as the ultimate mix between pribumi and Chinese-Indonesians.

When a pribumi and Chinese-Indonesian announce their marriage plans, the first reaction from their relatives is usually negative, particularly if the couple are not of the same religion.

Interracial couples say they believe race is not relevant as far as marriage is concerned.

"People cannot choose to be born a certain race, so why make a mixed marriage an issue?" Widodo says.

"We live a normal married life and we never make an issue out of it (racial differences)," says Yohana Sambepadang, a Tana Toraja native married to Handoko, a Chinese-Indonesian from Muntilan, Central Java.

Yohana, who met her husband-to-be in South Sulawesi in 1976 when he worked as a contractor, is lucky in that her parents gave her marriage their blessings and she was well accepted by husband's relatives.

"Tolerance is the key to our enduring marriage," said the mother of four who runs a shop while Handoko pursues his career as an artist.

Couples of mixed marriages often experience culture shock which can take a few months or a few years to overcome.

"At first it was difficult to understand my wife, who is money-minded. But then we each tried to change our way of thinking to love each other the way we were," says Widodo.

Mulyadi, a 33-year-old Chinese-Indonesian, says his marriage to Novy Amelia Elizabeth Sine of Rote-Manado ancestry three years ago has enriched each of their cultural experiences.

For example, he says, Novy and her relatives like talking straight which, by his standards, was close to being rude.

"At first, it was difficult for me to understand her mannerisms."

Like many other Chinese-Indonesians married to a pribumi, Mulyadi's wish to marry someone who was not of Chinese descent met with opposition from his immediate family.

When Mulyadi brought his pribumi fiancee home and introduced her to his relatives, his sister squirmed and whispered a word of caution into his ear.

"I remember my sister warned me that we (Mulyadi and Novy) will have 'interaction' problems if we married. But somehow I managed to convince my sister that sort of problem could occur in any marriage.

"My sister could accept my argument. Now he and my wife have no problems with each other," he says.

Widodo, Yohana and Mulyadi's recipe for a successful interracial marriage is: accepting each other the way they are and not making their ethnic background an issue.