Instilling a love of humor in family life

By Soekanto S.A.

BOGOR, West Java (JP): "You know Ade Rai, Mom? The strong man? Do you know who can beat him?" five-year-old Sammy, who had just got home from his kindergarten, asked gleefully.

"No. Who?" answers his mother, remembering the Indonesian bodybuilder with all those muscles who grabbed a gold medal at the recent SEA Games in Jakarta, and who eats at least 40 eggs a day.

"Abang Rai," Sammy shrieks before dissolving in laughter.

Mom joins in, thinking, "Isn't he clever. Playing with words?"

Ade in Indonesian, or adik, means little brother, whereas Abang is big brother. If Little Brother Rai is that big, then Big Brother Rai must be even bigger and able to defeat the bodybuilder.

Sammy often comes home from school with jokes that he hears from or creates with his friends. And his parents encourage him. Often, in the evenings Sammy, his four sisters and their parents turn off the TV and cuddle up together in order to trade jokes.

Sometimes they joke about people, animals or situations; at other times they ridicule each other and themselves. But more importantly is a feeling of warmth that stems from the evenings, and the opportunity to build the children's sense of humor.

In his book The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children (Simon & Schuster, 1994), Steven W. Vannoy places a sense of humor in an equally important position in one's life as self-esteem, compassion, integrity and responsibility.

"Ah, the gift of humor. Not teasing, not taunting someone because they're different or less powerful, but a genuine expression of joy at the pleasures and ironies and foibles of life," he says.

Without a sense of humor, life can be colorless and a burden. "With it, we enjoy the process of living," he says. "We have more joy to share with others.

"Kids who grow up without a sense of humor live perpetually in a state of fear and defensiveness. Their self-esteem collapses in their fear of being wrong," he says.

Most parents understand that people with a strong sense of humor usually display joy, trust and are pleasant to be with. People with a sense of humor understand that making a mistake is not fatal, and they need just to get up and try again.

Most parents also realize that this is something that should be passed on to their children, though not many understand just how to do it.

Humor is a form of creativity, according to child psychology expert Elizabeth B. Hurlock in her book Child Development (McGraw-Hill, 1978). It is as important to healthy child development as dramatic play, constructive play, imaginary companions, daydreaming, storytelling, and even white lies.

Humor has two aspects: the ability to perceive the comic and the ability to produce it. Both aspects can add to social acceptance because they help to create the impression that one is fun to be with and is a good sport.

Some forms of humor can be produced only by persons with a high level of intelligence, but most of the forms of humor that have great appeal to children can be created by anyone of normal or even slightly below normal intelligence.

What's important is that one needs divergent thinking, which enables the producer of humor to perceive new ways to combine previously learned material into patterns that others will regard as humorous. They do not require the production of completely new material.

Motivation

Why does Sammy crack jokes? Why do we do it at the office, at parties, or any other gathering?

Hurlock says that children who want to be socially acceptable -- especially if their acceptance is marginal -- have a strong motivation to learn to produce humor as an aid to achieve this goal.

They are (and so are we, often) willing to spend time and energy discovering what makes people laugh and creating humor that will win others' approval.

Children who are able to make others laugh will develop self- confidence and self-assurance. On the surface, one might conclude, that humor production is an aid to personal adjustment.

Is this enough? It is an aid certainly but not everything.

Parents need to learn that by encouraging children to develop this form of creativity may lead to unfavorable social reactions that will counteract the aid it might be to personal adjustment.

For instance, children who keep their classmates laughing by "clowning", for instance, may soon discover that they are regarded as pests.

Likewise, if children learn and try to use off-color jokes, they risk causing embarrassment to and disdain from those who hear them. In the end, the children lose an opportunity to obtain high regard from those who hear the jokes.

Hurlock advises against forms of humor that lead to unfavorable social reactions.

Any humor that causes annoyance or interference with what others want to do will lead to social judgments that the creator of the humor is a nuisance.

Also, humor that embarrasses or humiliates another person, especially when the person is unable to retaliate, is still regarded as poor sportsmanship.

Finally, humor that is repeated without enough variation to give it a touch of originality will lead others to think that the humorist is not very original or funny at all.

The writer has 15 grandchildren and has written more than 20 books, some humorous, for children.