Indonesia grapples with sexual mores

Indonesia grapples with sexual mores

By Bruce Emond

Everybody is doing it, or at least talking about it. There has
been an avalanche of sexual information in the media,
particularly in the last two years. The Jakarta Post looks at
whether the greater openness is chipping away at traditional
sexual mores.

JAKARTA (JP): Gynecologist and sex consultant Dr. Boyke Dian
Nugraha believes Indonesians are looking at sex in a new light.

"Eastern values are still present, but I think it's changing.
I think I was in the middle generation, between my parents who
were very restricted when they were courting and today, when it
is much freer."

Even as he talked about greater sexual openness and his
estimation that about 25 percent of teenagers were sexually
active, Boyke acknowledged that traditional views about sex,
particularly women's sexuality, remain dominant.

His final patient of the day at his busy practice in Tebet,
South Jakarta, was a young woman undergoing surgery to have her
hymen repaired.

"I do get many couples today, more than before, coming in for
premarital counseling and checkups. The man acknowledges he is no
longer a virgin, she is no longer a virgin, so that is no
problem," said Boyke, who also hosts a sex counseling radio talk
show.

"But we are still a people who uphold tradition. Like the girl
waiting in the next room to have her hymen repaired. As a doctor,
I do not have a problem doing it, but I tell them there is really
no need. But the groom expects blood, their parents expect blood,
so be it."

Straight talk about sex in the media, which was taboo during
Soeharto's repressive regime, has come out of the closet. The
topic burns up the airwaves and the printed page as magazines
lure readers with articles about sexual matters, including the
sexual goings-on of celebrities.

There is also the considerable influence of television dramas
and the Internet.

"Our standards for judging sexual behavior are changing,"
Boyke said. "Young people are watching TV shows like Dawson's
Creek, Amanda in Melrose Place, and they think, 'Wow, it would be
great to live in an apartment and have a life like that'. Western
norms are coming in ... I once asked various Internet cafes what
their main source of revenue was, and they said it was from young
people visiting porn sites."

Psychiatrist and sex educator Dr. Naek L. Tobing said the
flood of information was a positive development but it needed to
be handled with care.

"In the past 10 years, there has been a lot written, also
discussions and such, about sexual behavior," Naek said. "The
well-educated have a better understanding of the information and
can use it in their lives. They understand that they need
openness about sexual matters.

"Indonesia cannot shut itself off from the rest of the world,
from the information coming in from abroad, like the Internet,
films, blue films."

Naek said the problem was that not everybody could filter the
good from the bad.

"People are freer, but we also need knowledge along with that
freedom. This is our dilemma -- how do we handle sexual
information, especially in nonformal ways. We are still reluctant
and ashamed to provide that information. Here I mean parents, the
leaders, elders."

He added the surge in sexual information was not enough to do
away with traditional mores.

"Our traditional views of sex are still in us, even if it's
unconsciously. We have this great conflict ... an ambivalence. We
want to accept something, but also reject it. We are so hesitant,
ambivalent."

Some see it as a case of a lot of talk but not much action in
focusing on issues such as sex education. "The freedom, the
openness is more on the level of discourse; it's more visible but
there is not a fundamental change in values," said sociologist
Julia Suryakusuma.

Others, particularly religious figures, are alarmed by the
potential fallout from globalization in an erosion of traditional
values. Indonesian Ulemas Council (MUI) secretary-general Din
Syamsudin said people needed to distinguish between beneficial
aspects of western society and its "moral decadence".

"Sex is meant to be confined to the sacred institution of
marriage," Din said. "We need a self-defense mechanism because
our young people are going through a type of culture shock.
Religious figures, and here I mean in Islam, need to strengthen
our young people through the internalization of religious values
and ethics.

Conflict

Nonconventional sexual behavior in a conservative, close-knit
society like Indonesia, where concepts of face and shame
predominate, presents a dilemma.

"Renata," who lives with her western boyfriend, finds herself
burdened by overwhelming pressure to conform to society's
expectations.

She makes a personal distinction between premarital sex in a
long-term relationship and promiscuity, although "I know in
religion there is no difference ... "

The 24 year old said she kept her private life a secret from
her family and colleagues, and would not consider telling them
she lived with a man.

"I have to be a bit of a hypocrite; about sex before marriage,
I will say, 'It may be OK for others, but it's not for me'."

Although she believed there were changing values among young
people, she said a woman's virginity was still a big issue for
"70 percent" of men.

She pointed to a double standard in society's definition of
acceptable sexual behavior for men and women.

"They (men) are asking too much when they themselves have had
lots of sex. They are really too much."

Bank employee Jerry, 29, said he was no longer a virgin, but
wanted his prospective wife to be one.

"I could accept it if my partner was not a virgin if she told
me it was an accident and she was very sorry. There is a
difference between men having sex and women experiencing it for
the first time.

"If a woman is not sorry after losing her virginity outside of
marriage, then you start to think about what kind of woman this
is."

Ignorance

Experts say many people, especially men, understand the nuts
and bolts of sex, but fall through the cracks when it comes to
recognizing the responsibility needed with sexual freedom.

It is a phenomenon noted by University of Indonesia professor
Dr. H. Arjatmo Tjokronegoro, who is a specialist in andrology,
the study of male reproductive health.

"There is so much information out there now, even in the
women's magazines with articles offering sex tips. But there is
still a lot of ignorance. Sometimes I have to tell male patients
that making love for a man and woman is not the same, that they
must be gentle and patient in having sex with their wives."

Naek, who has written a sexual advice column since the early
1980s and also hosts a radio show, said it was important to give
the right messages to the public, including about sexually
transmitted diseases (STDs).

"We are trying to get the information out through the media,
through articles, through columns, because behavior is dynamic
and changing ... People can watch a lot of sexual images, but
they do not have an understanding of how to handle that
information."

He said it was an uphill struggle because of society's
reluctance to deal with the issues head-on. "And the great
weakness of Indonesians is that we never get rid of unfinished
business, including in matters of sex."

A U.S. accredited sex counselor, Naek said people
misunderstood the benefits of sex education.

"They think that sex education means only teaching young
people to make love, which isn't it at all. It's about things
like date rape, which is a terrible problem here."