'I wonder why I was so foolish in not learning about drugs'

-------------------------------------------------------------- "Widia" curls up on her bed at Yakita's women's facility, chain- smoking menthol cigarettes and talking late into the night. She seems strong as she tells her story, but sometimes she breaks down in sobs, overcome by the enormity and uncertainty of what lies ahead.

At 27, she is battling not only drug addiction but HIV, which she believes she contracted through sharing needles. Based on her T-cell count, used to measure the rate of HIV-infection in the body, she should have full-blown AIDS, but she remains remarkably healthy. She soldiers on, intent on using her life story as a warning to others of the dangers of drug abuse.

She talked to The Jakarta Post's Leony Aurora. ----------------------------------------------------------------------

It started in 1995 at university, very innocently, with smoking. All my friends during initiation were smoking and so I did, too. The first time I tried it, I almost choked, but I kept on trying until I became an active smoker.

After finals in the first semester, I had liquid amphetamine injections because I wanted to get thin. After that, I went straight to putauw (low-grade heroin). I got it from my peers, but I didn't know what it was. Around 1995, there was no information about drugs and what they could do in the media.

I used at least a quarter (of a gram) of putauw a day, sometimes half a gram, sometimes one gram ... But at the very least I spent Rp 100,000 (about US$12) every day on drugs. That was the minimum.

If my friends had a stash, I didn't have to buy any. But the next day I'd spend Rp 200,000 for us to use together. If none of us had money, we would sell something from our homes.

The first time I went into a rehab center was in 1997. I knew nothing of addiction; all I knew was that I was using putauw and if I didn't get it, I had sakaw (painful withdrawal symptoms).

After I got out, I went back to using. In 1999, I already had hepatitis C. I tried and did go clean for some time, from 2000 to 2001.

I found a job at a government institution. Six months later, all employees had to take a blood test. I went to another hospital to have it, because I had done drugs in the past and I didn't want them to find out.

And it turned out that I was HIV positive.

My first reaction -- and it still is every time I think about it -- was that in two years, I would be no more.

I didn't go straight into relapse. I managed to hold on for six months. But in 2002, my stress mounted. I couldn't control it any more, I couldn't repress it any longer. It exploded -- all the negativity, the depression came out and I ended up using even worse than before.

I'm very sure that I got HIV through injecting. I often shared needles with my boyfriend and other close friends. I thought they were healthy and I didn't know about HIV. Sometimes we were just too lazy to get new ones from a drugstore. And needles are difficult to get since not every pharmacist sells them, and most require a prescription.

In mid-2002, I went into Bethesda rehab center for six months and I worked there for three months until early 2003. In August 2003, I relapsed. I didn't know what to do anymore. I had come to the point that I didn't want to stop using drugs. What difference would it make? There was no cure for me anyway.

I hoped that it was over for me. Just take me out, so I don't have to feel all the feelings I have and don't have to be reminded that I am positive.

Once, I can't remember when, I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and saw what a mess I was. How did I become like this? It was not what I wanted when I was small. If only I could... if only there's a way for me to turn back time. I feel so lonely. So alone.

I know that many of my friends have hepatitis C, some are even HIV positive. But still when I am among them, or when I go back home, there will be times when I feel so very lonely. Even though there are many people around and it's as busy as a marketplace, I am alone.

And that is the worst. Nothing compares to the loneliness.

My former boyfriend died in December 2002. He was HIV positive, and he was an addict, too. Actually, he had only asthma, but because his immune system had been destroyed, it was fatal for him.

We broke up in June 2001 after I found out that he was positive and didn't tell me. We were together for three years and were supposed to get married.

I was so angry at him. I hated him.

But I love him, too. I had a dream about him. We were in a green field, with grass as high as our chests. And then he called to me, "honey". I started running to him but then I realized that he was already dead and I turned around.

I haven't had another boyfriend since him.

I came to Yakita on Oct. 31, 2003. This time I had surrendered. I had bottomed out with a depression that I couldn't handle any longer. I had surrendered -- to God, to my condition.

My CD4 (T-cell count) had dropped to 275 and I had to start taking ARV (antiretroviral drugs), to halt the growth of the virus. In Indonesia, a CD4 count below 300 is considered to be (full-blown) AIDS. But I haven't experienced any of the symptoms, like candida, high fevers and getting thin. I am as fat as anybody else.

Only then, when I surrendered, did I have I the courage to say that I am positive, starting with my cousins, even to speaking to the media. It's not that I told everybody, "Hey, I'm positive", but I have acknowledge that the virus is here to stay.

Then I felt relieved, really relieved.

I just wonder why was I so foolish. Why didn't I learn about the effects of what I was using? Or is it our government that is so foolish, or me, or the doctors? I don't know. Everybody seems foolish to me now.

I have one belief. Even though I am positive, even though it is already in my blood, I belief that this is one more chance God gave me so I would change my ways.

I am luckier than my friends who overdosed and died. I am thankful for that. Although I am HIV positive, God still gave me another chance. That's what calms me. Nothing else can.

Some people ask why I want to go everywhere and talk about this. I just don't want anyone to be as foolish as I was. That's all, because there's no cure -- sooner or later you will die.

And if you have never used drugs, don't start. Even if you only inhale and don't use needles, it will still destroy you.

I will be on medicine for the rest of my life. For now, I just want to find a job to pay for my medicine, so I won't be anybody's burden.