How to make ties that bind as a stepparent

By Monty P. Satiadarma

JAKARTA (JP): Images from fairy tales of a wicked woman who makes life hell for poor little Cinderella or Snow White may still color our views of stepparents. So a statement from one of my child patients about her stepmother -- "she was nice to me and I liked her, but it wasn't like being home" -- was refreshingly unprejudiced.

That is not to deny that living in stepfamilies requires sacrifice, time and the expenditure of emotional energy from all involved. Divorced parents and their children are undergoing a new life adjustment, and remarried families find themselves in a transitional period. Anyone who enters and becomes a new member of the family may have to deal with feelings of suspicion due to the children's anger and confusion from the divorce.

Divorce may not appear to have an immediate impact on the children, but it is a traumatic life event that sometimes carries a burden that inhibits their development. Dr. Staheli, a certified counselor who lives in Seattle, Washington, said that there was no correlation between how children react to divorce initially and the amount of psychological damage found 10 years later.

Children often suffer long-term damage from the reduction of their parents' resources: time, energy and money. Moreover, children from divorced families are less likely to complete college, often because divorced fathers and mothers are unable or unwilling to pay for their tuition and support.

Most of the time, divorced parents seek support from their children rather than give their children support. On the other hand, children tend to feel that they are a burden when their parents' remarry. Talking about his parent's divorce and remarriage, one boy acknowledged that his stepmother was a nice woman. Yet, he continued, "I felt like I was in their way, and I could not play with my friends."

Divorce puts children in a dramatic life transitional stage. Children need to adjust to it over a period of time. There are some feelings of loss within them, and they feel they have lost one of their parents. They feel angry since they believe that their parents have left them. They also may feel confused -- and that they were somehow responsible for their parents leaving them.

The remarriage process exacerbates the anger and the feelings of confusion. While children have not been able to resolve their emotional turmoil due to the divorce and are still in confusion, there is a new member of the family to deal with. This new member, whether stepfather or stepmother, replaces the natural parents the children long for.

Many children consider this new member of the family an intruder, and they have attendant negative feelings. In their state of confusion and with their feelings still unresolved, children want their natural parent in the home to pay more attention to them. Instead, they feel they are competing with the new parent.

We need to understand that children are in the process of development. Their verbal capacity is limited, and they cannot communicate their feelings clearly. Thus, they communicate nonverbally, and their negative attitude is a symbolic message of protest they are sending to their parents.

Parents need to be aware of symbolic nonverbal language. First, they may tend to reject the newcomer as an intruder and competitor in the home. They are protesting to their natural parents by acting out negatively, in order to get more attention and at the same time expecting that their parents will understand them.

However, most of the time remarried parents are busy adjusting to new marital life. Children's negative attitudes are considered annoying to parents, and the latter tend to punish them through abusive words, neglect and sometimes even physical abuse. This complicates the problem, with negative perceptions of both parties and the child becomes more withdrawn.

Stepparents must be aware of these psychological dynamics within children. Parents must try to help them to deal with the situation. They must be able to provide a safe environment for children so that the children feel secure even with the new member in the family. Children may make mistakes, but they should not be blamed; rather, parents must try to communicate well with their children. Parents need to ask the children about how they feel, and in what way their actions are associated with their feelings.

Understanding

Communication between members of the family must be improved by doing things together as a family. In the preliminary stage, the angry child will express his or her hostility, but parents must anticipate this and not overreact.

Providing an accurate response may not be easy. The stepparent must learn from the natural parent how the children are usually treated. Parents must learn from each other how they raised their respective children prior to their marriage. They have to discuss the strategy of raising the children to ensure they have a unified policy in responding to their children. When parents have conflicting rules, children, in their resentment, will utilize the opportunity to take sides.

A stepparent needs to realize that he or she has entered new territory of a family where children have been the members for sometime. Do not try to dominate the children by showing superiority, for this will fan the children's anger due to the intrusion in their territory. Imagine you are entering a new house in a new area, you may need to greet your neighbors instead of keeping a distance from them or showing your superiority to them. Do this honestly and not superficially, for they will be aware of your superficial attitude, which may cause them to be unaccepting of your presence.

Try to continuously develop good communication with them. Let them know that you wish to do good things for them. When things do not move in the direction you anticipated, do not jump to conclusions and react harshly, but manage your emotions. Try to be rational rather than emotional. Patience and endurance are the key. Otherwise the process will not be resolved even for years to come. It may even become worse.

The writer is a psychologist and family counselor. He can be reached at features@thejakartpost.com.