How to make ties that bind as a stepparent

How to make ties that bind as a stepparent

By Monty P. Satiadarma

JAKARTA (JP): Images from fairy tales of a wicked woman who
makes life hell for poor little Cinderella or Snow White may
still color our views of stepparents. So a statement from one of
my child patients about her stepmother -- "she was nice to me and
I liked her, but it wasn't like being home" -- was refreshingly
unprejudiced.

That is not to deny that living in stepfamilies requires
sacrifice, time and the expenditure of emotional energy from all
involved. Divorced parents and their children are undergoing a
new life adjustment, and remarried families find themselves in a
transitional period. Anyone who enters and becomes a new member
of the family may have to deal with feelings of suspicion due to
the children's anger and confusion from the divorce.

Divorce may not appear to have an immediate impact on the
children, but it is a traumatic life event that sometimes carries
a burden that inhibits their development. Dr. Staheli, a
certified counselor who lives in Seattle, Washington, said that
there was no correlation between how children react to divorce
initially and the amount of psychological damage found 10 years
later.

Children often suffer long-term damage from the reduction of
their parents' resources: time, energy and money. Moreover,
children from divorced families are less likely to complete
college, often because divorced fathers and mothers are unable or
unwilling to pay for their tuition and support.

Most of the time, divorced parents seek support from their
children rather than give their children support. On the other
hand, children tend to feel that they are a burden when their
parents' remarry. Talking about his parent's divorce and
remarriage, one boy acknowledged that his stepmother was a nice
woman. Yet, he continued, "I felt like I was in their way, and I
could not play with my friends."

Divorce puts children in a dramatic life transitional stage.
Children need to adjust to it over a period of time. There are
some feelings of loss within them, and they feel they have lost
one of their parents. They feel angry since they believe that
their parents have left them. They also may feel confused -- and
that they were somehow responsible for their parents leaving
them.

The remarriage process exacerbates the anger and the feelings
of confusion. While children have not been able to resolve their
emotional turmoil due to the divorce and are still in confusion,
there is a new member of the family to deal with. This new
member, whether stepfather or stepmother, replaces the natural
parents the children long for.

Many children consider this new member of the family an
intruder, and they have attendant negative feelings. In their
state of confusion and with their feelings still unresolved,
children want their natural parent in the home to pay more
attention to them. Instead, they feel they are competing with the
new parent.

We need to understand that children are in the process of
development. Their verbal capacity is limited, and they cannot
communicate their feelings clearly. Thus, they communicate
nonverbally, and their negative attitude is a symbolic message of
protest they are sending to their parents.

Parents need to be aware of symbolic nonverbal language.
First, they may tend to reject the newcomer as an intruder and
competitor in the home. They are protesting to their natural
parents by acting out negatively, in order to get more attention
and at the same time expecting that their parents will understand
them.

However, most of the time remarried parents are busy adjusting
to new marital life. Children's negative attitudes are considered
annoying to parents, and the latter tend to punish them through
abusive words, neglect and sometimes even physical abuse. This
complicates the problem, with negative perceptions of both
parties and the child becomes more withdrawn.

Stepparents must be aware of these psychological dynamics
within children. Parents must try to help them to deal with the
situation. They must be able to provide a safe environment for
children so that the children feel secure even with the new
member in the family. Children may make mistakes, but they should
not be blamed; rather, parents must try to communicate well with
their children. Parents need to ask the children about how they
feel, and in what way their actions are associated with their
feelings.

Understanding

Communication between members of the family must be improved
by doing things together as a family. In the preliminary stage,
the angry child will express his or her hostility, but parents
must anticipate this and not overreact.

Providing an accurate response may not be easy. The stepparent
must learn from the natural parent how the children are usually
treated. Parents must learn from each other how they raised their
respective children prior to their marriage. They have to discuss
the strategy of raising the children to ensure they have a
unified policy in responding to their children. When parents have
conflicting rules, children, in their resentment, will utilize
the opportunity to take sides.

A stepparent needs to realize that he or she has entered new
territory of a family where children have been the members for
sometime. Do not try to dominate the children by showing
superiority, for this will fan the children's anger due to the
intrusion in their territory. Imagine you are entering a new
house in a new area, you may need to greet your neighbors instead
of keeping a distance from them or showing your superiority to
them. Do this honestly and not superficially, for they will be
aware of your superficial attitude, which may cause them to be
unaccepting of your presence.

Try to continuously develop good communication with them. Let
them know that you wish to do good things for them. When things
do not move in the direction you anticipated, do not jump to
conclusions and react harshly, but manage your emotions. Try to
be rational rather than emotional. Patience and endurance are the
key. Otherwise the process will not be resolved even for years to
come. It may even become worse.

The writer is a psychologist and family counselor. He can be
reached at features@thejakartpost.com.