How to deal with aggressive children

Dear Dr. Donya,

We have a son who is two years and three months old. He is our only child and therefore gets all the love and attention in the family. Right from birth he has displayed aggressive traits and is very determined for a child of his age.

We have also found that his intelligence and comprehension is far above children of his age group. We do not deal with him with any form of aggression as we have found it to be counterproductive. We always try to explain things to him in a calm and logical manner rather than getting angry at his behavior.

In the last few months, his behavior has become extremely concerning and the following things are worrying us:

* He has become very violent though he has never been subjected to any capital punishment. He will beat us if we do not agree to anything that he wants.

* The moment what he wants is not done, he starts screaming and hitting his head against any object, like a wall or the floor.

* He gets into a bad mood on the slightest pretext and starts destroying things around him. For example, if he wants to play and you ask him to wait for even a minute, he will exhibit one of his violent moods.

* He is very aggressive with children of his age in school and beats them for no reason or snatches things from their hand although he has a similar object.

* Since his expression and comprehension is very good, when we try to explain to him that what he is doing is not right and why, he turns around and says that he doesn't care and he likes being a "bad boy."

* He will not stay at home without us although his nanny has been with us for the last year. He used to stay with his nanny for a few hours but for the last month he has stopped that as well. In fact when we are in the house as well, he will not play for a second on his own in another room and wants us to stick around him.

-- Worried

Dear Worried,

There are two truths that you must accept: Children need to be disciplined, and children must be taught what is unacceptable action or behavior.

In the past pediatricians and child development specialist believed that children were like a white cloth, and that the role of the adult was to paint the cloth or keep it clean. The new concept in child behavior and development is children are like black clothes and the role of the adult is to clean the cloth with love, trust and reasonable acceptance. It is the primary caregiver's responsibility to provide discipline and set social behavior boundaries for the child to adhere to.

A boy two years and three months old is in a period of development that is called the development of autonomy, which is a time of developing a strong sense of self. What we as caregivers and role models must do is discipline, act and show our children what behavior is and is not acceptable. He doesn't fully understand talking or reasoning because in this age he simply has not matured enough to understand complete reason.

Temper tantrums such as whining, crying, screaming, kicking, hitting and breath holding is common in both boys and girls and usually occurs from age one year to three years. Tantrums are a normal part of development and are often a form of a child's expressing frustration with his/her world. Children don't have the same inhibitions or control of emotions that adults do, and in fact their feeling of negative emotions is normal.

Tantrums present parents and caregivers with opportunities for education and should not be viewed as a disaster.

Tantrums happen when a child is seeking attention, is tired, hungry or uncomfortable. When a child discovers that he/she cannot control what is around him or feels and that he/she cannot have everything they want, frustration sets in and hence the tantrum may appear. When a parent responds with negative attention it is better than no attention, so if the parent is quiet and ignores the action, or doesn't respond to the tantrum, it will only become more extreme.

The best way to deal with tantrums is to avoid them and this is best accomplished by setting boundaries of acceptable behavior with discipline and love and acceptance.

You need to start teaching your son to control his emotions and moods. You said he understands when you explain, but at this age of one year to three years old, action is better than words. You have to show him the limits of what is acceptable in your family and what he can and cannot do. For example he cannot hurt himself and he cannot hurt others. He cannot take other people's belongings without their permission. Mom and Dad, caregivers and grandparents must be consistent in expressing what is acceptable behavior, which means when mother says no, dad shouldn't say yes.

Applaud him when he uses good manners and most importantly when he is agreeable. When he wants something that he should not have, you should take him away from it, give or offer him something else that he can play or use. If he starts to hurt you or himself, wrap him in your arms or hold his hands and tell him he cannot do that. Take him away from others and put him in a safe place and stop his negative action, quieting him with reasoning and love.

Tell him that you know he is upset and angry and you understand, but he cannot hit you or hurt himself. Listen to him when he talks and don't interrupt until he finishes. When he calms down, you can talk to him with a short explanation.

Avoid using blaming words such as "You're so stubborn," "you're a bad boy" or "you bully". Use words that address his behaviors rather than him, such as that you do not like the way he talks to his grandma, etc.

Make him accept responsibility for his action and behavior if he destroys things have him clean up the toys that he broke or revoke his TV privileges.

Remember that if he sees adults yelling and throwing things then it is unfair to ask him not to do the same, and if the adults he sees do not pick up after themselves then he will not either. If he still cannot control himself, a time out may be an answer; put him in his own room, for two minutes and not more than five minutes). Be outside of the room and return when he calms down.

Punishment by hitting, or isolating him from others will not help him.

His attachment to you is normal in this age group; when he is older he will learn that you are always close to him and feel secure to let you out of his sight.

-- Dr. Donya

Donya Betancourt is a pediatrician based in Sanur, Bali. Questions? Contact her at drdonya@hotmail.com or features@thejakartapost.com.