How to be a Balinese yuppy: A practical, 12-step handbook
How to be a Balinese yuppy: A practical, 12-step handbook
By Degung Santikarma
DENPASAR (JP): Clothes are crucial, and the key word is "neo-
colonial". Jeans are out. Gently faded khakis are in. T-shirts
with English-language slogans are definitely out. Subdued batik
shirts, linen and short pants with extra pockets for your cell
phone are all good choices. Glasses, whether you need them or
not, are a vital accessory. Long hair is too subversive. After
all, you are trying to get ahead, not get your head kicked in at
a demonstration.
It is important to always have an opinion on current events.
If you do not have any opinions of your own, the following sound
bites will work in almost any situation: "We need to return Bali
to the Balinese," "we must empower Balinese tradition to face
globalization," or, if these don't work, "I think the caffe latte
is much better at the Nusa Dua Galleria than in Ubud".
All true Balinese yuppies support the arts. There are several
ways to do this. The best strategy, of course, is to open your
own gallery. If you cannot afford that, you must become an artist
yourself. Painting, architecture, landscaping, photography or
graphic design are all acceptable creative pursuits. And don't
worry if you have no talent.
If your artworks are terrible, just explain that you are
"transcending the archaic limits of the aesthetic to explore art
as a meditative methodology". Don't worry if no one understands;
they will admire you more for it.
It is important to express solidarity with the oppressed. You
can do this by joining the board of an NGO or attending a
fundraiser, preferably one that has a high percentage of other
would-be yuppies involved or that will get your picture in the
paper. Don't take it too far. Your NGO of choice should be run by
short-haired people. And remember, while it's OK to talk about
"empowering villagers", promoting "participatory development" or
helping out the poor, this does not mean that you should let your
children go to school with them. And speaking of children, if you
have them, leave them at home. They will just speak English
better than you and make you look bad.
As an authentic Balinese, you should not forget your social
and religious heritage. You must do your part to "preserve
Balinese culture", and that means attending rituals. This doesn't
however, mean that you can slack off on your commitment to style.
Real Balinese yuppies never wear those ceremonial jackets that
look like dentists' uniforms; they wear antique sarongs and linen
shirts.
You should also be aware that not all culture is good culture.
Attend too many meetings of your local banjar and people might
think you cannot afford to pay someone to take your place. You
should know that falling victim to black magic is also in bad
taste. Meditation, yoga and midnight temple runs are, on the
other hand, the height of chic.
A well-developed sense of nostalgia is crucial as part of your
responsibility to safeguard Balinese culture from the ravages of
modernity. You can do your bit by buying as many "antiques" as
your house can hold. Be careful with your history. Don't ask your
grandmother to do your authentic interiors, or you will end up
with pigs and ducks in your living room and a huge spittoon by
your bed. And don't go back to your original village any more
than absolutely necessary, or you will find all your poor
relations asking you for jobs.
Remember, you are what you drive. If you have the money, buy a
Toyota Land Cruiser (if people ask you why you need such an
expensive car, say it makes the drive to Besakih Temple so much
easier). If you cannot afford this, buy an antique Mercedes or a
reconditioned VW Bug. For weekends, buy a Harley-Davidson or, if
that is out of your range, an old Vespa scooter for the Euro-Bali
look. Under no circumstances should you be caught dead on a Honda
bebek motorbike.
Self-promotion is crucial. Writing for the local paper is
good, writing your own book (about culture, not politics) is
better. Put your writing on your own Web site, and then have your
Internet address printed on your business cards. If you can't
write, pay someone to do it for you, or convince local
journalists by whatever means necessary to quote you repeatedly.
Forget the traditional Balinese custom of taking your rice
into the corner and eating alone. You should try to do as much of
your consuming in public as possible, with your cell phone always
laid on the table so people can see you are expecting the
journalists to call and ask you for a quote. If this presents a
financial hardship, remember the nostalgia principle. When the
fine French wine is too dear or the pasta too pricey, order a
violently colored cendol or soda gembira with your vegetarian
nasi campur, and say you're craving the authentic tastes of your
childhood.
You should be Westernized, but not look like you're trying too
hard. Good English is essential, as is a subscription to The
Jakarta Post. But you need to remember to take your
cosmopolitanism for granted as part of your birthright as a
Balinese. That means no calling out "hello tourist" or "hey
mister", no matter how tempting it may seem.
In fact, you should stay as far away from Kuta Beach as
possible. Any foreign friend should be strategically chosen, and
should preferably have either a Ph.D., a very successful import-
export business or credentials as a writer or artist. You should
strive to make people believe that your first words as a child
were "professionalism", "empowerment" and "networking". Foreign
spouses are fine, as long as they do not deplete your
clothes/car/entertainment budget on such trivialities as health
insurance, toilet paper and imported cheese, or expect you to
stay at home and talk when you could be networking.
Be your own tourist. Demonstrate to the world that Balinese
can play the part of guest as well as host. If you can afford it,
go to Paris, New York or India. If your funds are stretched, go
to Singapore. If you cannot afford to go overseas, say you are
too busy trying to improve society and/or working on your latest
book/painting/land deal to travel right now.
An appropriate attitude toward gender is essential. Talk about
"gender sensitivity" and "women's equality" in public, but leave
your wife at home. Someone needs to support your expensive
lifestyle. Besides, she would feel left out, for all true
Balinese yuppies are male. If you are a woman reading this,
sorry. You could always try moving to Jakarta.