Thu, 08 Jun 2000

How to be a Balinese yuppy: A practical, 12-step handbook

By Degung Santikarma

DENPASAR (JP): Clothes are crucial, and the key word is "neo- colonial". Jeans are out. Gently faded khakis are in. T-shirts with English-language slogans are definitely out. Subdued batik shirts, linen and short pants with extra pockets for your cell phone are all good choices. Glasses, whether you need them or not, are a vital accessory. Long hair is too subversive. After all, you are trying to get ahead, not get your head kicked in at a demonstration.

It is important to always have an opinion on current events. If you do not have any opinions of your own, the following sound bites will work in almost any situation: "We need to return Bali to the Balinese," "we must empower Balinese tradition to face globalization," or, if these don't work, "I think the caffe latte is much better at the Nusa Dua Galleria than in Ubud".

All true Balinese yuppies support the arts. There are several ways to do this. The best strategy, of course, is to open your own gallery. If you cannot afford that, you must become an artist yourself. Painting, architecture, landscaping, photography or graphic design are all acceptable creative pursuits. And don't worry if you have no talent.

If your artworks are terrible, just explain that you are "transcending the archaic limits of the aesthetic to explore art as a meditative methodology". Don't worry if no one understands; they will admire you more for it.

It is important to express solidarity with the oppressed. You can do this by joining the board of an NGO or attending a fundraiser, preferably one that has a high percentage of other would-be yuppies involved or that will get your picture in the paper. Don't take it too far. Your NGO of choice should be run by short-haired people. And remember, while it's OK to talk about "empowering villagers", promoting "participatory development" or helping out the poor, this does not mean that you should let your children go to school with them. And speaking of children, if you have them, leave them at home. They will just speak English better than you and make you look bad.

As an authentic Balinese, you should not forget your social and religious heritage. You must do your part to "preserve Balinese culture", and that means attending rituals. This doesn't however, mean that you can slack off on your commitment to style. Real Balinese yuppies never wear those ceremonial jackets that look like dentists' uniforms; they wear antique sarongs and linen shirts.

You should also be aware that not all culture is good culture. Attend too many meetings of your local banjar and people might think you cannot afford to pay someone to take your place. You should know that falling victim to black magic is also in bad taste. Meditation, yoga and midnight temple runs are, on the other hand, the height of chic.

A well-developed sense of nostalgia is crucial as part of your responsibility to safeguard Balinese culture from the ravages of modernity. You can do your bit by buying as many "antiques" as your house can hold. Be careful with your history. Don't ask your grandmother to do your authentic interiors, or you will end up with pigs and ducks in your living room and a huge spittoon by your bed. And don't go back to your original village any more than absolutely necessary, or you will find all your poor relations asking you for jobs.

Remember, you are what you drive. If you have the money, buy a Toyota Land Cruiser (if people ask you why you need such an expensive car, say it makes the drive to Besakih Temple so much easier). If you cannot afford this, buy an antique Mercedes or a reconditioned VW Bug. For weekends, buy a Harley-Davidson or, if that is out of your range, an old Vespa scooter for the Euro-Bali look. Under no circumstances should you be caught dead on a Honda bebek motorbike.

Self-promotion is crucial. Writing for the local paper is good, writing your own book (about culture, not politics) is better. Put your writing on your own Web site, and then have your Internet address printed on your business cards. If you can't write, pay someone to do it for you, or convince local journalists by whatever means necessary to quote you repeatedly.

Forget the traditional Balinese custom of taking your rice into the corner and eating alone. You should try to do as much of your consuming in public as possible, with your cell phone always laid on the table so people can see you are expecting the journalists to call and ask you for a quote. If this presents a financial hardship, remember the nostalgia principle. When the fine French wine is too dear or the pasta too pricey, order a violently colored cendol or soda gembira with your vegetarian nasi campur, and say you're craving the authentic tastes of your childhood.

You should be Westernized, but not look like you're trying too hard. Good English is essential, as is a subscription to The Jakarta Post. But you need to remember to take your cosmopolitanism for granted as part of your birthright as a Balinese. That means no calling out "hello tourist" or "hey mister", no matter how tempting it may seem.

In fact, you should stay as far away from Kuta Beach as possible. Any foreign friend should be strategically chosen, and should preferably have either a Ph.D., a very successful import- export business or credentials as a writer or artist. You should strive to make people believe that your first words as a child were "professionalism", "empowerment" and "networking". Foreign spouses are fine, as long as they do not deplete your clothes/car/entertainment budget on such trivialities as health insurance, toilet paper and imported cheese, or expect you to stay at home and talk when you could be networking.

Be your own tourist. Demonstrate to the world that Balinese can play the part of guest as well as host. If you can afford it, go to Paris, New York or India. If your funds are stretched, go to Singapore. If you cannot afford to go overseas, say you are too busy trying to improve society and/or working on your latest book/painting/land deal to travel right now.

An appropriate attitude toward gender is essential. Talk about "gender sensitivity" and "women's equality" in public, but leave your wife at home. Someone needs to support your expensive lifestyle. Besides, she would feel left out, for all true Balinese yuppies are male. If you are a woman reading this, sorry. You could always try moving to Jakarta.