How to argue without offending

How to Argue and Win Every Time Gerry Spence

JAKARTA (JP): Many Indonesian public figures -- from retired generals to ex-government officials -- have written lengthy memoirs outlining their lives. A few have also written about the areas they lived in.

Many American public figures -- from Larry King to Lilian Walters -- have taken another route and share their knowledge and skill in how-to books.

Gerry Spence, the most winning lawyer in America with a wealth of experience, has combined the memoir and how-to genres in his book How to Argue and Win Every Time. Although it is really a how-to book, Spence divulges what his life as a lawyer is like.

How-to books and memoirs are totally different. Both can be written for self-satisfaction, but there is a clear-cut difference between the two. A how-to book is most useful in giving readers the methodology to advance in life. Many how-to books help develop human resources and, although they may be subjective, aim at sharing knowledge.

A memoir, on the other hand, is centered on the author. It focuses on the figure's explanation of his actions, and sometimes borders on being an rebuttal.

Spence's book is very biographical. It is not a memoir, but contains an account of his life. He uses his own experiences to prove his arguments. Spence devotes the book to sharing what he believes is the wisdom he has gained from his rich life. The writer's autobiography and its lessons make the work more than a mere how-to book.

Not to oppose

Spence's opinions in How to Argue and Win Every Time are innovative. Unlike other how-to books written by the likes of Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill or Stephen R. Covey, this book is written as a string of arguments. The introduction, called My Argument for this Book, is interesting.

Spence says: "The art of arguing is the art of living. We argue because we must, because life demands it, because, at last, life itself is but an argument." His book divulges techniques and the mind-set behind the use of his methodology. All are inspired by Spence's experience as a lawyer.

The book invites the reader to experience the complexity of argumentation, its rationalization and some smart tricks for win debates. It is indeed an argumentative book -- the author himself says that it is written in the form of arguments -- consisting of original, and sometimes subjective, opinions. For Spence, arguing means looking around, asking questions, demanding respect, sharing creativity and ideas, seeking justice, searching for love, speaking out, and, most of all, to be.

Indonesians will find the book a new approach to arguing without placing themselves on culturally forbidden opposite side. The main objective of arguing is not to oppose, but to achieve a desired goal.

In cultures that avoid face-to-face conflict, like in Indonesia, Spence's book is undoubtedly alternative. Indonesian lawyers, teachers, politicians, judges, businesspeople, activists, justice seekers and anyone often accused of opposing the status quo will find this book helpful. In feudalistic and paternalistic Indonesia the way to avoid conflict is to argue without offending. Keeping in mind that arguing is only a way to achieve a desired goal is the best way to avoid personal conflict.

Spence explains how to be critical and attain a goal without hurting others' feelings. He also explains how to formulate an argument that will be heard.

When arguing with a boss or teacher, their power is always present. That is why people don't argue with them in the same way as they do with friends. Families argue among themselves in a different way than colleagues. Arguing happens at all times and in all situations. People argue in the classroom, in the office, in court, in the bathroom, in the mall, and in the supermarket. People argue for their rights and to express their feelings.

Arguing is often taken for granted, and this limits Indonesians' ability to argue well. The inability to argue well has lead to the belief that arguing is emotional and wrong. Arguing can be done both for love and war, depending on the way it's done. To argue without hurting is only possible when people understand that to win they must learn to lose.

-- D. Muktiono