How do I love you? Let me count the ways...

BOGOR, West Java (JP): It is simple to convince a child that he is loved by his parents. Often a long, leisurely, hand-in- hand walk in the morning will do.

At other times though, it is not enough and the child will need to hear his parents say the words "I love you." Can any words possibly sound sweeter or offer greater comfort? Is any statement more natural -- or necessary -- between a parent and child?

In many families, these words come easily. However, if you grew up never hearing them, saying "I love you" may feel unnatural.

American counselor Jane Bluestein described how parents sometimes say "I love you" to their children but load the statement with expectations for the child to do something. For instance, parents insist that children return the statement even though the child may not be feeling very loving at the time.

Or, parents say "I love you..if you clean up your room" or "I love you, if you can pass that exam."

How do you say "I love you" as "cleanly" as possible? Bluestein provides several guidelines:

1. Just say it.

We all need to hear loving statements from people we care about. You may assume your children know you love them; after all, you do, and you do a lot of loving things for them.

But feeling love for someone is not the same as expressing it. Nor is doing loving things. The following three things are important: loving words, loving feelings and loving behavior. This takes practice, especially if you find it hard to say it either out of lack of familiarity or fear of rejection.

2. Don't count the number of times you've already said it.

No "I-told-you-last-month-that-I-love-you" phrases.

3. Keep it simple.

"I love you" is a complete sentence. We don't need to tie our feelings for a person to the person's behavior. In fact, whenever we connect it to something the other person has done, the sentence becomes a statement of conditional caring. Just like "I love you when you make your bed."

4. No "buts" attached.

Don't say: "I love you, but you...". Watch the tendency to use "I love you" as a lead in to a confrontation about something your child has done. If you need to address the child's behavior, or set a boundary, do so. But deal with the behavior, not the worth of the child or your feelings for him. If you say "I love you but your room is a mess" then all the child ends up hearing is "your room is a mess."

5. No expectations.

It's difficult. When we say "I love you" we wish for an equally nice response from the other person. Sometimes, it's not that way for a child. What if he were less than loving and responded to our declaration with a shrug or, even worse, "I hate you Mommy, because you refused to buy me that jigsaw puzzle?"

Say "I love you" because you want to say it, and because you feel love toward the person you're talking to. It's a powerful statement and most of the time it will evoke a loving response from the recipient.

If your children haven't learned how to say "I love you" yet, it's okay to tell them you need to hear those words sometimes, too. Then give them some opportunities to practice and learn. Their best lesson will come from your own unconditional modeling. (Surtiningsih W.T.)