Hot and bothered about you-know-what on TV

JAKARTA (JP): When I was about 12 and my father was away on a business trip, my mom told me one day that he would have something to tell me when he got back. Well, I understood what she meant.

The big talk about you-know-what.

The birds and the bees. Why Harry wanted to meet Sally (and why Sally got all hot and bothered in the diner). What made Adam and Eve get into a lot of trouble over a little apple.

I waited and waited, but our special talk never happened. More than 20 years on and with me a resident of Indonesia for nine years, I can now joke about it a bit with my dad. It probably would have been a bit awkward for both of us, he says now, and, besides, he thought I had learned it all at school.

He is probably thankful to know that, even if I had not got all the facts on what goes where and who does what to whom, that I am now getting all that I need and wanted to know -- and then some -- from Indonesian TV shows in the new millennium.

With reform and free speech proclaiming itself loud and clear, all those little and big taboos once never mentioned on the airwaves are getting a full airing. But a lot of the talk, unfortunately, is cheap thrills.

Before you know it, we are privy to the most intimate details of the lives of so-and-so celebrity, things we probably never expected to know unless we were going to open up a scandal sheet or rummage through someone's garbage can.

There is a famous singer, the wife of an equally famous conductor, answering a question on a late night "couples" show about what she does when she is "in the mood" but the kids are around (she sends them to play in the yard, which makes one hope that the aforesaid singer's home is not too close to any major highways). More was asked about what she does when she is in the mood, but he isn't, or vice versa (she kind of waffled on this one, but it came down to finding a compromising position, ahem).

There is also the show sponsored by a major multivitamin company, hosted by beautiful actress Meriam Bellina. Last week's topic of "what is sex appeal?" was pretty tame compared to some from previous weeks, but the show still got its fair share of breathless mutterings.

For guest Donna Harun, a model-cum-emcee, a man with sex appeal had to look clean. For one bold young man in the street, it was all about breasts. For another model-cum-actress, Henidar Amroe, that special something about a man came down to his lips. Rather, she said "mouth" but she must have misspoke (perhaps overcome by the hot topic?), unless she is instructing the men she meets to open wide and say aah.

For Meriam, who has a wry sense of humor and is quick to point out little examples of male chauvinism, it was a man with a butt you could stand a glass on.

These two shows, and several others on the airwaves, are tame stuff compared to a predecessor that has now, thankfully, said goodbye to viewers. It was shown on the country's "educational" channel, late at night, on the theme of sex and astrology. With a "hip" young woman as host and her astrologer friend reading the charts of callers, it was lewd, crude and dangerous to watch. You felt like you wanted to take a hot (not cold) shower after seeing an episode of this show. And it succeeded in doing the impossible -- making sex boring.

Who really watches these shows, without shouting at the TV in frustration? I know someone, a man in his 40s, who gets positively bent out of shape whenever anything mildly sexual comes up in conversation. He's married, he has kids, but he will go into graphic detail, eyes bulging and fidgeting in his seat, whenever given half the chance to talk about something faintly sexual. If Nielsen has one of those little rating boxes in his home, I am sure Meriam and co. are getting a lot of viewing time.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great to be open about these topics, especially after years when people here were kept in the dark. But there is a time and a place, and also a way. It does not have to be a deadly serious discussion, like an anatomy class, but neither should it be like a bunch of school kids shouting a few naughty words just because the teacher is out of the room. We need to get across to people what they need to make their lives fulfilling (and also to make sure they do not contract anything in the process that brings their lives to an untimely end), and TV is one great medium.

Are we a country of all talk, no action? Or all talk, all action? Who knows? Who cares? Some of us are probably scared of being called prudes and party-poopers, but perhaps a new programming standard on what constitutes "good taste" should be included. For when we reduce the discussion of sex to the nudge- nudge, wink-wink approach, it becomes nothing more than a joke, a variation on a scene from a Benny Hill show or Dono-Indro-Kasino, given a new look and the sheen of respectability.

Sure, let's be open and free, listen to others and have our say about this important part of our lives, but, please, keep the dirty talk to the bedroom.

-- Bruce Emond