Helping victims of sexual abuse recover

By Theresia Ametembun

Much has been written about the May l998 tragedy, when rampant sexual abuse and harassment of women occurred, directed especially against ethnic Chinese. Unless the consequences of such abuse are tackled, deep and lasting psychological wounds will result.

BANDUNG (JP): The psychological wounds inflicted by sexual abuse are often much deeper than a person could imagine.

The healing process begins with denial. During this period, the victim is conscious of being abused, but at the same time, the pain inside keeps her from accepting and believing that it really happened.

This can often be worsened by the public's refusal to acknowledge that the abuse took place at all. This is a result of social stereotypes, which blame the victim, and causes the internalizing of these feelings of blame and guilt.

The victim becomes convinced it was her fault (often this is subconsciously ingrained in her psyche). She may do this by asking: "Why was I there when it happened? If only I stayed home, and listened to my friends advice..." or worse still, "If I were not a woman, or ethnic Chinese, or someone with light skin, or beautiful, this would never have happened."

This kind of thinking mostly derives from the patriarchal society we live in, in which women are valued for their purity, and great importance is put on female virginity. Tragically, because of this, even when a woman's virginity is taken by force her self-worth is shattered.

Often, those wanting to help victims of rape merely try to solve the immediate consequences of the abuse, such as the physical pain, and sometimes unwanted pregnancy.

However, what we really need to think about is how to heal the wounds within, by giving a victim someone to discuss her pain with and getting her to accept our support during the long process of emotional healing.

The abuse, after the physical wounds heal, leaves only the recollection of it. The problem is healing the trauma the victim carries in every pore of her being.

The real journey of healing starts once a victim stops denying and can begin to accept her pain. This change can occur months or years after the incident. But it is a crucial transformation, in which a "victim" becomes a "survivor". However, this is not the end of the healing process. The ultimate goal is to achieve more than mere survival, but for the victim to be able to live life to the full while still bearing the scar. The scar will always be with her, but it need not posses her anymore. She will own the pain -- the pain will cease to own her.

The healing starts with a change of language. Language is a gauge of a victim's condition. From her language we can understand what stage of the healing process she is in at any given moment. Common expressions of traumatized victims are: "I am nobody now"; "I am dirty and worthless"; "I am dying"; "I am less than other people now"; "I want to hide"; "What will people say about me?"; "I am afraid to face my future".

Healing can only take place by changing the old tape reals in her head, which constantly repeat the negations above. Victims needs to adopt affirmative language such as: "I am clean and still beautiful"; "I am lovable and precious"; "I am more than my virginity and what people might think of me"; "The rape and abuse did happen but now it is over"; "I can look the world in the eyes because it was not my fault". This self-affirmation will replace the misconceptions caused by the abuse social conditioning.

She must understand that it was not her fault so she can trust herself again. Remember that her very spirit has been wounded. Her belief in herself is shaken.

The trauma of the sexual abuse can destroy the common faith that God is good, life is usually satisfying and people are mostly kind and nice.

To rebuild this faith may take years, but once it is achieved, her trust in God, herself and others will be renewed. Ask her to keep affirming to herself that she is trustworthy despite the abuse. By believing that she is less worthy and lowering her self-esteem she, in fact, becomes her own abuser. This is the real tragedy of victims of sexual abuse.

This emotional self abuse can be very subtle, and it often takes someone who has been through the healing process herself to recognize it. This is why a survivor often benefits greatly from another survivor. They understand what one another is going through.

Based on my own experience, a support group for survivors of sexual abuse can bring about healing much faster than years of one-to-one personal therapy. However, despite the assurance and comfort of a support group, the tendency toward denial is still very strong.

Internal beliefs are expressed by external behavior. The danger of delaying the inner healing is that the victim adopts a survival attitude toward life. She will live with an unknown rage inside her. The trauma must be acknowledged and confronted, otherwise it will hurt her and others, especially those who love her.

There are many ways of realizing the anger: drawing, hitting pillows, screaming while driving, dancing, exercising and singing.

Living with such rage, when it is kept buried inside, can lead to self-destructive behavior. Alcoholism, drug abuse, obsessions with people, work or eating, and even religious fanaticism can all hide the real issue of unresolved sexual abuse.

While dealing with such addictions, we can also begin to heal the deeper emotional wounds caused by rape.

Living with anger is as painful as living with shame. Both cause confusion. Unexpressed anger can manifest itself as depression, but shame can be even harder to live with. The victim may adopt an attitude of superiority to compensate for her intense feelings of inferiority, or otherwise this may keep her from being her true self.

Problems dealing with success, extreme jealousy or competitiveness or otherwise excessive submissiveness can all be caused by internal pain. It can also result in the victim being convinced she can do things alone, rejecting the help and affection of others. Some victims have been known to enter religious communities to hide from reality in one's fanaticism.

When the pain is not dealt with properly it may result in more destructive behavior, even suicide. Many sexually abused women move from one man to another, having numerous sexual relationships and not knowing why they keep doing it. This is not only physical prostitution, but also soul selling. It hurts inside. The first abuse was inflicted on her, the rest is her own doing, although done subconsciously.

Just as self-affirmation is used to replace the attitudes of self-hatred, it is gratitude that quells anger. Listing on a daily basis pleasant experiences and moments eventually appeases the anger. Nature abhors vacuums. The space left when shame, anger or self-hatred is expelled must be filled with something.

When we talk about the healing process there are really two core issues to consider: self-esteem and boundaries. One's sense of who can and cannot be trusted derives from our upbringing.

Our culture, society and family impose certain norms to be applied through our lives, and these guidelines, and boundaries, are fundamental to effective functioning in society.

We are taught to trust close family members, but not to trust strangers. If, however, a close and trusted member of the family is the abuser, a boundary is violated, and thus these boundaries become weaker vaguer.

A violation of trust is tantamount to a violation of boundaries and constitutes an abuse. This principle applies even if the abuser is a stranger.

Thus, once one has been abused (not just sexually, but also emotionally or religiously) one's perception of what constitutes healthy boundaries is lost and vulnerability to further abuse, and the likelihood of abusing others, is increased.

Once trust-boundaries have been violated, not only does it affect relations with one's immediate family, but also people in general, and oneself. One example of a healthy trust in oneself is learning to say yes when one means yes, and no when one means no. It really can be that simple. It takes healthy self-love and self-respect to be able to do it every minute of the day. For a survivor, re-setting violated boundaries can turn into a lifetime's task. It is this awareness that makes the difference. If at first it a victim a month to realize her dishonesty in such matters, then it takes a week, then a day, and finally she is aware at every moment.

The exciting part of this boundary issue is that it offers the opportunity to become emotionally and spiritually mature. Many women, when achieving this maturity, liken it to the cutting of the umbilical cord binding them to their mother. From then on, relationships with parents become more mature and enjoyable. It will also enable more satisfying relationships with husbands or partners. Overcoming the trauma of abuse is often the key to a more contented life and better relationship with God and other people, as well as oneself.

The writer is a member of a support group. She can be contacted at essie@elga.net.id