Help children deal with divorce

Donya Betancourt, Pediatrician, drdonya@hotmail.com

Most people make marital commitments sometime in their life and become parents. But what happens to the children if the commitment dies?

A marital commitment may die, but the children live on. It is then up to the parents to help children cope with divorce.

Your child may respond to the stress by acting out strong emotions or becoming withdraw. Children responses usually depend on age, gender, temperament and some other factors such as living situation, parents' emotional disposition and parents' ability to adjust to single parenting. And any new relationship can play a role in a child's adjustment and response.

Typically, younger children can cope better. School-age children often express stress through physical illness like frequent headaches or stomachaches, also with a slump in academic achievement or becoming overachievers.

Teenagers are the most likely to act out and to show overt anger and resentment towards their parent. They may seek their own romantic relationships based on feelings they have regarding your divorce.

Even in adulthood, many children still wonder how their lives might have been different had their parents not divorced. Girls tend to deal with divorce and similar crises by hiding their feelings and internalizing emotional conflict.

Boys, on the other hand, are more likely to express their negative feelings, which may lead to more attention-getting misbehavior, such as fighting, disrupting class or skipping school.

Although divorce is distressing for all children, a child with an easy temperament can cope with it most of the time.

Conversely, a child with a more reactive temperament may become extremely upset by any disruption in his or her daily routine.

This type of child is likely to have a more difficult time accepting and adjusting to separation and divorce. Most children fall somewhere between these extremes in their initial reactions to divorce, showing signs of stress but gradually making an adjustment.

Divorce usually forces one or both parents to leave their shared home causing the child to adjust to new living arrangements, a new school can be a more difficult adjustment on top of the others.

If a parent is not able to accept change and move on it will be difficult for the child too.

Because parents can become increasingly absorbed by the demands of daily living and their own emotional struggles, they may not have adequate time or energy to assist their children in coping with the divorce.

Eventually, your child may have to deal with dating and remarrying also with the possibility of blending new families. Your child may not embrace this change and may feel threatened.

Understanding your child's feelings is a first step in helping him or her adjust to your divorce. Awareness itself, though, is not enough. The next step is helping your child to deal with and accepts divorce as a permanent change.

Be honest and straightforward about how the divorce is going to affect your child, talk to your child at their level of understanding, make sure your child feels like he/she can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.

They need to be reassured that the breakup was not their fault. Reassure your child that everything will be fine but be careful not to make promises you may not be able to keep.

In the long term, the negative effect of divorce on children's emotional well-being depends largely on their parents' behavior.

Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed by their divorce that they may turn to their child for comfort and direction; avoid asking children to take on such adult responsibilities.

Be respectful of your ex. Ex-spouses should do their best to get along with each other. Each should promote the other's relationship with the children. Parents should accept their children's anger and hurt and give them time to work through those feelings.

Each parent owes it to the child to represent the other parent in as positive a light as possible. Remember, the child did not divorce the parents and the parents did not divorce the child.

If your child shows signs of stress; behavioral changes, eating and sleep disturbances, lack of interest in favorite activities, he or she may benefit from professional and peer counseling.

When children have a chance to meet with other children in similar circumstances, it helps to reduce their feelings of isolation and being different.

It will definitely take time to help your child cope and accept your divorce. With love and patience, you can make a positive difference in how your child adjusts.

Dr. Donya