Gloomy Season

By Lila Fitri Aly

Asiah loosened her long, luxurious, black hair. Her weak body laid down on the big, beautiful, expensive bed made of high- quality teakwood. Her skin is cream-colored, clean, shiny and without a single blemish. Nobody denies she's good-looking and lovely.

The white curtains in the window of her room move gently as a strong wind blows, followed by the rain. It was a dark night that could make people scared, and it made the beautiful lady shiver.

She closed her eyes tightly, trying to forget things around her. There was nothing that interested her. She did not want to see her cabinet or her fine dressing table, or just to enjoy the light shadow of the two bed lamps. Her bedroom offered comfort like a five-star hotel room. Yet, she was restless, confused and alone.

Her mind traveled to unknown countries, to places she had never been to. One empty world that gave no single drop of water, barren and dry. The loneliness grasped her even tighter.

Tonight, like the previous nights, Bayu, her husband, was not beside her. There were no hugs and no more sweet kisses that he had promised. Bayu doesn't exist. He was there, but he was not there. It's strange, isn't it? But that's the fact.

"Where has he gone?" Asiah wonders if she has the right to ask that question. Maybe he was following a path of solitude, trying to forget the revenge which roughly scratched his heart, while enjoying the cold night. It was a wet night since the rainy season had already come.

Or maybe he was sipping a cup of hot, black coffee at the warung kopi (coffee stall) at the corner of the street to warm his body. Or, maybe he was crazy for a sexy, young woman who could fan his passions, who could inspire him, who could cheer his life, or who could give him one great challenge. It could be possible he had married another woman that he loved, the one that could share his happiness and suffering.

Asiah is the one Bayu married a year ago. Too bad Bayu never treats her as his wife. Bayu keeps rocks of hatred against her. Nobody knows when his heart will melt. Probably it will become a never-ending story because it is rooted deep down. Asiah's eyes were full of tears. She felt like walking alone along the streets without any traffic signs. No guiding star. No one to lean on. Her mind flies away to a past time.

"You still want me to be your wife?" whispered Asiah softly. On an unexpected occasion, she had a chance to see Bayu again. Bayu was the man Asiah knew years ago when she was still very young and fresh like a blooming flower.

"Yes, of course," he answered seriously. Her soul was trembling to hear what he had just said. Asiah was uncertain about a man's honesty in loving a woman. In past years she had felt betrayed by men. They always broke their promises. Beautiful words that Bayu said just a few minutes ago brought her close to tears. She felt touched and caught in a beautiful moment. It happened just like that.

"I can't believe it's true. You still want me after so many years," Asiah replied. It was still hard to believe what he said. Moreover, they hadn't seen each other for many years. Everything was different now.

"Since being at the campus, I have wanted you. I wanted to marry you, but you always rejected me," he said. He looked very sincere. Asiah did not dare look at his eyes. Many regrets came into her heart. If she accepted his love at that time, certainly her life should not be as gloomy as it was today. Why couldn't she feel Bayu's true love?

During her school years, Asiah always took Bayu for granted. Well, she couldn't be blamed. To tell the truth, objectively, there was a wide gap between Asiah and Bayu.

"How can you expect me to be your girlfriend? In all aspects, I am always a few steps ahead of you," said Asiah jokingly. This was what Asiah said a hundred times before when Bayu said he was in love with her.

"Yes, you are right," Bayu answered slowly. But Asiah knew Bayu was still waiting for a better explanation. That happened ten years ago at the campus.

"Let's think about it. First, you are two years younger than me. Secondly, I go to the best university in the country and you go to a second-class school. Thirdly, even though I am still a student, I already have working experience, while you know nothing of it. I have many experiences. You want to be my boyfriend? I don't think we would be a good match. And there are still many other things," Asiah told Bayu plainly.

Bayu understood what she meant with her last sentence. It was about money and social status. Everybody knew that Asiah came from a rich family while Bayu did not. She didn't mention it frankly but Bayu knew exactly what was behind the lines.

Bayu was hurt, but Asiah never realized this. In fact, her rough words had hurt Bayu's pride for the rest of his life. For many years, he faced every challenge to uphold his pride as a man, as a human being. He wanted to be a successful person. To be a winner. To be number one.

When Asiah said why she rejected his love, he only kept quiet and nobody knew what he had in his mind. And Asiah didn't care. For one thing, she often underestimated Bayu.

"Is there any other reason? Isn't it because my short body does not fit your dream?" Bayu directly asked her. Asiah was shocked and embarrassed.

"What are you talking about? I don't understand," Asiah said. She did not answer. Honestly, what he said was very true. A tall man was her dream.

Time went by. Asiah started to date Ryan. Bayu was very angry to see the intimacy of Asiah and Ryan. He was very jealous.

"What is special about Ryan? He is not an outstanding student," said Bayu, full of anger. Asiah herself did not know how the relationship started. It was so sudden. Ryan was not a man of good character and was not responsible. Asiah was trapped by his sweet words. Her seasonal love story with Ryan ended after a five-month period.

She was blind and still could not see the pure beauty of Bayu. After she graduated and got a degree, she worked full-time. She worked very hard, traveled a lot and led a very busy life. During those years, there were hellos and goodbyes in her love life. Various experiences made her become a mature woman. But still she had not found Mr. Right. Bayu's figure had long faded. The last time she heard about Bayu was that he was posted in India by the foreign department where he worked. After that, she heard no news about him. Asiah never thought about him. He was her past. The case was closed.

In life's journey, Asiah had been disappointed by men many times. Often she was harassed and cheated. That made her tired and bored, and killed her desire to get married.

Then, unexpectedly she met Bayu. She'd never thought she would see him again. What surprised her was that he looked very different. He was a mature, wise man who had a low profile. And he asked her to be his wife. Wasn't it incredible? He revealed his desire to marry her many times. The hurtful experiences she had in the past made Asiah feel doubtful. She could not trust easily what he said. So many things had happened in her life.

"I am not a young girl anymore, Bayu. I am not the one you loved at the campus. I can offer you nothing," Asiah said in a low voice. Her eyes showed pain and sadness. She didn't want to be disappointed and suffer again. But the truth was, she was touched by Bayu's seriousness to marry her. She could remember how she had treated him badly and harassed him in the past. Oh God, how can he have such a noble heart? If I had married him, everything would have been different.

"I love you," he said emotionally. Bayu's eyes were close to tears. And then he kissed both of Asiah's hands. She cried and tears rolled down her cheeks. Bayu held her tightly.

"I miss you so much," he whispered.

Then they were married. Everybody was happy and the marriage was like a big reunion. All of her friends and relatives came to celebrate the occasion. It was the end of a long sadness, Asiah thought. After the wedding party, she performed midnight prayer to thank God for her happiness.

Too bad, the happiness was only one short moment. It did not last long. Suddenly Bayu changed. There was no more sweet attitude. Very often he left her alone and pretended that she was not there. Asiah was shocked and her heart was broken into pieces.

"Why marry me, if things happen like this," cried Asiah. Bayu did not care what she said. He had just arrived at home from the office. Then, he took a bath and got ready to leave for a cocktail party.

"You don't have the right to question me. Understand?" he stated rudely.

Like a knife, the words cut through her heart. She was speechless. She was completely confused.

"Why Bayu? Why? What is my fault?"

"Your fault? You don't know what your fault is? Now, listen to me carefully. At that time, during our school years, you insulted me. I could not forget a single word of yours. You never considered me as a person. Again and again you had no respect for me. Now can you feel this bitterness? Since you dated Ryan, I have sworn to take revenge. Because you are my wife, I will be responsible for all your needs, but you will never have me and I'll never divorce you. A faithful lady has been waiting for me since I was poor," he said flatly. Then he took his car key, leaving Asiah alone. She felt that she was stranded in an unknown land.

She felt mortally wounded by Bayu's sharp words. Her heart was bleeding. She stood long and still in front of the window. It seemed she did not understand what Bayu said, but she felt a great pain that was unexplainable.

One new stage of her life has started. Her heart is so empty and lonely. She doesn't know if she can bear all these long and hard days.

Lila Fitri Aly was born in Banda Aceh in 1960 and graduated from the University of Indonesia's School of Letters in 1987. She worked as a public affairs officer at a foreign embassy for a year before becoming a reporter at Sarinah women's magazine from 1986 to 1991. She won an award from the Suara Pembaruan daily for her serialization titled Merentang Waktu (Stretching the Time) in 1994. She writes short stories for various media.