Give kids freedom to express feelings

Donya Betancourt, Pediatrician, drdonya@hotmail.com

Parents must allow children to express all of their feelings. Strong feelings cannot be denied, and angry outbursts should not always be viewed as a sign of a serious problem.

Anger may be a defense to avoid painful feelings, it may be associated with failure, low self-esteem and feelings of isolation, or it may be related to anxiety about situations over which the child has no control.

In childhood, anger and sadness are very closely related, and it is important to remember that much of what an adult experiences as sadness is expressed by a child as anger.

Anger and aggression are different. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property.

When dealing with angry children, the mind-set is to motivate acceptable behavior by reaching out and giving the child a sense of safety.

Show the child that you accept his or her feelings, while suggesting other ways to express their anger or frustration. Tell the child what behaviors please you.

Recognize and reward positive efforts and good behavior. Far too often it is the negative behavior that gets the attention, while a child's good deeds go unrewarded or are taken for granted.

Children also need exercise to release tension. It is important for children to have opportunities for physical exercise and movement, both at home and at school.

And give children an outlet where they feel free to be as aggressive as they want. This can be done by manipulating their surroundings.

Sometimes rules and regulations, as well as physical space, can be too confining.

Very young children (and children who are emotionally deprived) seem to need much more adult attention. Take the time to sit with and give your child your complete attention, and show the child that your are interested in whatever it is they are doing at the time.

When parents see that a child is getting frustrated, ask the child what he/she is thinking and allow the child to share their feelings. It is important to listen and not try to fix everything. As parents we must give children our attention and acceptance. If a child asks for help then by all means give it, but we do not want to take on the role of fixer.

Sometimes all that is needed for an angry child to regain control is a hug. Children with serious emotional problems, however, may have trouble accepting affection.

Employ humor as a way for the child to see that whatever is bothering them is not the end of the world, which can also be done by making fun of our own mistakes. Children should understand that they do not need to be perfect.

However, it is important to distinguish between humor and sarcasm, teasing or ridicule.

Keep an open line of communication and tell the child how you feel. For example, "I know that Barney doesn't usually bother me, but today I've got a headache, so could you please find something more quiet to play with?"

Be positive and use an optimistic attitude toward the day's events and things to come.

Don't be afraid to say "No". Children should be clear what their boundaries are and free to function within those limits.

Much of what we teach our children in the home as well as in the school is an indoctrination as to what society has taught us to be right.

As parents we should examine our own attitudes and ask ourselves where they come from. Much of what we expect from our children is simply what was expected of us and the times have changed, so what was once good for us may no longer be good for our children.

Manipulating children through guilt, blame and shame is a very repressive approach that only limits the greatness of our children. Unconditional love, open communication and acceptance will bear the sweetest fruit.

Now go give your kids a hug and enjoy the gift that they are.