Get your thinking cap on: It's time for a nationalistm test

There must be a few sweaty palms and furrowed brows among the country's 4.1 million civil servants right now.

Many of them are probably hitting the books, studying up on obscure dates and the lives of emancipation heroes in anticipation of the "nationalism test" that is to be administered to determine their loyalty to the Indonesian state.

While it's all a bit cryptic about how the tests will be administered and what the format will entail, we put our heads together to determine some likely possibilities.

Now, get out a pencil, focus hard and hope for the best in answering our not quite 20 questions.

1. If you were offered a prize of a brand new car, and given the choice between just two makes, would it be: A. Timor is the only one for me B. Volvo C. None of the above

2. Do you believe it is the birthright of our local Jakarta/Surabaya/Yogyakarta-based tycoons to cut down as much of the rain forests they need for more and more profits in Sumatra and Kalimantan, even in protected habitats which have the most complex and unique biodiversity in the world? A. Most definitely B. No C. None of the above

3. Do you believe that now East Timor president Xanana Gusmao desperately yearned deep in his heart to become an Indonesian citizen, but was led astray by meddling foreigners, especially those south of the border? A. My sentiments exactly B. No C. None of the above

4. Do you believe that if a human rights activist stumbles over a word when forced by thugs to sing the national anthem, he should be beaten to a pulp? A. Let me take the first swipe B. No C. None of the above

5. Do you think that the international community, the United Nations, the International Monetary Fund and individual foreigners all have ulterior motives and a burning desire to see Indonesia disintegrate? A. It's a given -- jealousy is a terrible thing B. No C. None of the above

6. Do you think it is OK to throw student protesters in prison if they exercise their right of free expression by spray-painting on a leader's picture when they are disappointed with a policy? A. Yes, and make sure to throw away the key B. No C. None of the above

7. Do you think a person with tolerance toward others with dissenting opinions/beliefs is an evil person? A. The very definition of the word B. No C. None of the above

8. Do you think it would be fine, assuming he/she is the most qualified, if an ethnic Acehnese, Chinese or Papuan were made president of the country? A. You must be joking B. Yes C. None of the above

10. Do you think the local press should publish a report on a powerful, well-connected, businessman involved in a possible scandal that directly impacts thousands of ordinary citizens? A. Damn those muckrakers B. Yes C. None of the above

11. Do you think the press should be allowed to interview another citizen who may disagree with the government version of events? A. Come off it B. Yes C. None of the above

12. Do you really think that the ordinary families, the masses, actually want to read truthful news in their newspapers? A. It's not up to them B. Yes C. None of the above

13. Do you think words like accountability, integrity, anticorruption, human rights, equality and tolerance are: A. Dark, bad, subversive words B. Good words C. None of the above

14. Do you think questioning someone in authority, like a teacher, commander or political leader, is: A. A very bad thing B. Quite a healthy democratic thing C. None of the above

15. Do you believe the tens of millions of working class Indonesians, who struggle daily to make ends meet, would rather buy: A. Low-quality, high-priced local fruit so local agribusiness conglomerates can take their money B. Low-priced, high-quality imported fruit for better nutrition and savings C. None of the above

16. Do you think that the Rp 1 million airport departure tax: A. Actually benefits the nation, goes toward building schools, etc. B. Goes into the pockets of "certain elites". C. None of the above

17. Do you think that all foreign tourists should pass this test to get a visa? A. Absolutely -- and send them home on the first plane out if they fail B. No, it should not be given to them C. None of the above

18. Should the whole country be placed under martial law? A. Yes -- just like the good old days B. No C. None of the above

19. Do you think some books, such as George Orwell's Animal Farm or 1984 should be banned? A. Absolutely, we should burn them and most other books, like they did in Berlin in the 1930s. B. No, they should be read, understood and discussed intellectually. C. None of the above

Results: If you answered "A" to all the questions, congratulations -- you have passed as a loyal, democratic reformasi-minded citizen of the state.

If you answered "B" to even one question, the sniveling, ungrateful, shameless wretch that you are, you will be mobbed on the spot in the same way as those who are accused of stealing chickens (foreign tourists who fail will merely be sent to "Room 101" -- as in 1984).

If you answered mostly "C", it's time to use that pencil eraser for the purpose it was intended. You know what to do.

-- Rich Simons