Forgiving easier said than done when a spouse cheats

Infidelity, particularly repeated episodes of unfaithfulness, can mean a total loss of trust in a marriage or relationship. In the first of a regular series of articles on relationships, psychologist and family counselor Monty P. Satiadarma looks at what can be done to help both partners repair the relationship.

JAKARTA (JP): "Frieda" came to me and complained of having problems in forgiving her husband for having extramarital affairs.

She had read books about extramarital affairs and could understand that sometimes a person was unable to stop themselves from cheating, whether it be with a coworker, during a trip or other instances. But she said that while she could understand one "mistake", she could not forgive a second or third.

Frieda said she tried to accept the reality of the situation but felt her marriage had inevitably changed. The romance between them was lost, and she was continually suspicious of her husband. She said she realized it was wrong, because the trust between them was gone.

Extramarital affairs, whether they happen once or many times, are scissors for the marital bond. When a husband or wife has an affair, the relationship is disturbed and perhaps destroyed. As the foundation of our interpersonal relationships, trust is the ribbon which ties our commitment; it is similar to myelin in the nervous system, that not only bonds but also covers the nerves. When there is a scar on the myelin, the nerves can easily malfunction. The stronger the bond of trust, the longer the interpersonal relationship remains.

When the bond of trust is broken, the relationship weakens. It may take only one affair to cut the bond of trust between a couple, or it may take more than one affair to destroy a marital relationship.

When a husband or wife has an extramarital relationship, they hurt their spouse. Some of them may believe that they do not mean to hurt their spouse, but they inevitably do because they have violated the principles which forge their relationship.

A wife expects her husband to love her and hopes that he protects her in many ways. A husband expects his wife to love him and hopes that she cares about him and fulfills his needs. An extramarital affair is proof that there is someone other than the spouse whom a husband or wife cares for.

The presence of another person intrudes upon the marital relationship. Another person plucks part of the expected protection, care and love which both partners desire from the other. This will cause wounds in the relationship as well as in the feelings of the spouse. The wounds are deep because the one who inflicted them is supposed to be the person most deserving of our trust. Whatever dreams there were of being in a perfect marriage are abandoned immediately.

The cheated spouse finds himself or herself in an unexpected transition. The fact that it was the partner who inflicted and caused the pain causes deep insecurity. Realizing that things cannot be changed because the incident has happened creates frustration and feelings of helplessness. This condition fosters anger, and when the dispute is not solved the anger will be internalized.

An emotionally wounded spouse may be able to control the anger, but may not as easily forgive. The experience has already been recorded in the spouse's memory. Any condition or situation with similar aspects to the affair will trigger suspicion and watchfulness within a person, for we as individuals protect ourselves from being hurt. The self-protection may appear as avoidance behavior or defensive behavior. An example of avoidance behavior is pretending that there is nothing to worry about. But this behavior will lead a person to gradually avoid the spouse, as well as avoid a potentially hurtful situation.

An example of defensive behavior is attacking the spouse by becoming overly suspicious. This reflects the tendency to defend the self from the potential to be hurt a second time.

In some cases, an extramarital affair may happen only once in a person's life. But, in most cases, people who cheat have more than one affair. Knowing the consequences, why do people do it?

Research has found that personality factors play important roles in the incidents. Extramarital affairs are a form of addiction for some people. These people tend to have "fun" by having affairs; the "fun" part is playing at keeping secrets. For them, having no affair is similar to being in a marital straight jacket; having the affair is similar to triumphing over the marital boundaries by sneaking out through the fence of marital agreements. Part of the "fun" is the risk of getting caught.

There are various theories on ways to overcome an addiction, but researchers universally agree that the addiction cannot be stopped without the individual's internal motivation. A person must have the personal commitment to terminate the addiction; otherwise, the tendency to relapse is greater. However, kindling this internal motivation to stop the addiction is not as easy as arousing the internal motivation for experiencing pleasure.

If one perceives having an affair as pleasure rather than hurting the spouse, the behavior tends to persist. If one keeps hurting the spouse, how can one expect there to be forgiveness? For the cheated spouse may not only be hurt but also feel betrayed -- and forgiving someone who betrays us is a lot easier said than done. Fear of betrayal is natural in human nature, as is the avoidance from and defense toward betrayal.

Ultimately, after the affair happens, only a personal commitment between the spouses can reforge the emotional attachment that was shattered because of an extramarital affair.

Questions? Monty P. Satiadarma can be contacted through features@thejakartapost.com.