Forgiving easier said than done when a spouse cheats

Forgiving easier said than done when a spouse cheats

Infidelity, particularly repeated episodes of unfaithfulness,
can mean a total loss of trust in a marriage or relationship. In
the first of a regular series of articles on relationships,
psychologist and family counselor Monty P. Satiadarma looks at
what can be done to help both partners repair the relationship.

JAKARTA (JP): "Frieda" came to me and complained of having
problems in forgiving her husband for having extramarital
affairs.

She had read books about extramarital affairs and could
understand that sometimes a person was unable to stop themselves
from cheating, whether it be with a coworker, during a trip or
other instances. But she said that while she could understand one
"mistake", she could not forgive a second or third.

Frieda said she tried to accept the reality of the situation
but felt her marriage had inevitably changed. The romance between
them was lost, and she was continually suspicious of her husband.
She said she realized it was wrong, because the trust between
them was gone.

Extramarital affairs, whether they happen once or many times,
are scissors for the marital bond. When a husband or wife has an
affair, the relationship is disturbed and perhaps destroyed. As
the foundation of our interpersonal relationships, trust is the
ribbon which ties our commitment; it is similar to myelin in the
nervous system, that not only bonds but also covers the nerves.
When there is a scar on the myelin, the nerves can easily
malfunction. The stronger the bond of trust, the longer the
interpersonal relationship remains.

When the bond of trust is broken, the relationship weakens. It
may take only one affair to cut the bond of trust between a
couple, or it may take more than one affair to destroy a marital
relationship.

When a husband or wife has an extramarital relationship, they
hurt their spouse. Some of them may believe that they do not mean
to hurt their spouse, but they inevitably do because they have
violated the principles which forge their relationship.

A wife expects her husband to love her and hopes that he
protects her in many ways. A husband expects his wife to love him
and hopes that she cares about him and fulfills his needs. An
extramarital affair is proof that there is someone other than the
spouse whom a husband or wife cares for.

The presence of another person intrudes upon the marital
relationship. Another person plucks part of the expected
protection, care and love which both partners desire from the
other. This will cause wounds in the relationship as well as in
the feelings of the spouse. The wounds are deep because the one
who inflicted them is supposed to be the person most deserving of
our trust. Whatever dreams there were of being in a perfect
marriage are abandoned immediately.

The cheated spouse finds himself or herself in an unexpected
transition. The fact that it was the partner who inflicted and
caused the pain causes deep insecurity. Realizing that things
cannot be changed because the incident has happened creates
frustration and feelings of helplessness. This condition fosters
anger, and when the dispute is not solved the anger will be
internalized.

An emotionally wounded spouse may be able to control the
anger, but may not as easily forgive. The experience has already
been recorded in the spouse's memory. Any condition or situation
with similar aspects to the affair will trigger suspicion and
watchfulness within a person, for we as individuals protect
ourselves from being hurt. The self-protection may appear as
avoidance behavior or defensive behavior. An example of avoidance
behavior is pretending that there is nothing to worry about. But
this behavior will lead a person to gradually avoid the spouse,
as well as avoid a potentially hurtful situation.

An example of defensive behavior is attacking the spouse by
becoming overly suspicious. This reflects the tendency to defend
the self from the potential to be hurt a second time.

In some cases, an extramarital affair may happen only once in
a person's life. But, in most cases, people who cheat have more
than one affair. Knowing the consequences, why do people do it?

Research has found that personality factors play important
roles in the incidents. Extramarital affairs are a form of
addiction for some people. These people tend to have "fun" by
having affairs; the "fun" part is playing at keeping secrets. For
them, having no affair is similar to being in a marital straight
jacket; having the affair is similar to triumphing over the
marital boundaries by sneaking out through the fence of marital
agreements. Part of the "fun" is the risk of getting caught.

There are various theories on ways to overcome an addiction,
but researchers universally agree that the addiction cannot be
stopped without the individual's internal motivation. A person
must have the personal commitment to terminate the addiction;
otherwise, the tendency to relapse is greater. However, kindling
this internal motivation to stop the addiction is not as easy as
arousing the internal motivation for experiencing pleasure.

If one perceives having an affair as pleasure rather than
hurting the spouse, the behavior tends to persist. If one keeps
hurting the spouse, how can one expect there to be forgiveness?
For the cheated spouse may not only be hurt but also feel
betrayed -- and forgiving someone who betrays us is a lot easier
said than done. Fear of betrayal is natural in human nature, as
is the avoidance from and defense toward betrayal.

Ultimately, after the affair happens, only a personal
commitment between the spouses can reforge the emotional
attachment that was shattered because of an extramarital affair.

Questions? Monty P. Satiadarma can be contacted through
features@thejakartapost.com.