Fitness centers surprisingly not home to the fighting fit

By William Furney

JAKARTA (JP): Now that we have partied our respective ways into the new millennium, many feel they want to rid themselves of the excess pounds that are causing belts to move up a notch or two. Most people take regular exercise at this time of year with hopes of becoming slimmer and healthier.

There are many ways to exercise. You can do it in your own home or on the street. Even something simple such as taking the dog for a quick stroll can be beneficial.

But for those of us who would rather have a more controlled environment -- one that counts the calories as they drop off and measures every inch of fat -- we have to go to the local fitness center.

I am a member of a fitness center which is located in a shopping mall and is a more of a Noah's Ark of humanity than a place to work out.

For anywhere there is a gathering of people it is always possible to classify them into certain types or groups.

The next time you are on a beach, take a look at the people around you and behold the exhibitionists, the jokers, the loners and the away-from-it-allers.

Now have a look at those who are working out at a gym near you and you will see similar classifications.

First there are the narcissists. Arriving dressed in the latest designer workout gear and the trendiest sports trainers, they have spent many minutes preening themselves in front of mirrors.

These people only make a token gesture at working out, for fitness centers are their mecca. But not for reasons evident. They rather flutter from one piece of equipment to another, revelling in the fact that there are boundless amounts of wall-to-ceiling mirrors in the room, offering them the opportunity to endlessly admire their model reflections. They especially love equipment that faces a mirror as they can profess to work out while they are admiring themselves.

Where to find them: Attached to mirrors.

Then there's the want-to-be-fit-but-can't-be-bothered-working- out brigade. These people generally burst into the gym and make a beeline for the most difficult piece of equipment. After a few exasperated gasps, it's all over and you will never see them again. A couple of months ago one of these people came to my center and went straight for the weights. A small, puny guy, he put a massive 30 kilograms on one end of a barbell while on the other end he put 10 kilograms. When he attempted to lift the weights, the entire thing came crashing down on one side of him. He then promptly left and has not been back since.

Where to find them: At complicated exercise machines; running away.

Everywhere you go these days, there are swarms of people with those ubiquitous cell phones. The gym is no exception, for here you will find the Cell Phone Association (CPA). Members of CPA will not move an inch in the gym without their electronic gadgets. They are not overly fond of exercise equipment which involves the use of hands as this means they have to lay down their phones while they work out.

They lovingly place them in their direct line of sight -- and in the sight of others. For they want the world to know that they are wired and instantly contactable. When they finish their routines, the first thing they reach for is not a towel to wipe the sweat from their eyes, but rather their beloved phones. They press all manner of buttons and stare at the screen to see if anyone had called while they were exercising, for some cell phones vibrate when called, although CPA members are not overly enamored by such features as they like others to hear, among other tunes, Vanessa May's strings. This lets people know they are eminently busy taking yet another high-flying call.

As a general rule, the more expensive and top of the range their phones are, the more fanatical they are about them in the gym. Make no mistake, these are the most important group in the gym as they are the movers and shakers. And they are frequently bitterly disappointed if they do not receive at least one call while they are at the gym, leaving them to make annoying calls to all and sundry:

"Oh hi, thought I'd call and see how you are."

"Dodo, I spoke to you 10 minutes ago and I'm the same now as I was then."

Where to find them: Recharging their phones at electrical sockets.

But what about the ladies morning out group? Members are usually between the ages of 40 and 65 and look more like they are on a night out than an early morning workout, due to their perfectly coiffed hair and tons of makeup. Few are in shape. Lycra was never meant for members of this group, but they have adopted it as their workout gear of choice and stretch it beyond acceptable limits to cover all manner of bulges and sagging body parts.

These ladies, who come only for aerobics sessions, have one thing in common. They live to talk. They don't much like aerobics, or any other form of exercise, as it detracts from talk time. They frequently break free from a routine to gather for a chinwag.

And when their aerobics session comes to an end, they take over all the exercise equipment to sit and gab. Who knows what they talk about. I doubt even they do, for it is just the fact that they are talking that matters.

Where to find them: Everywhere, they're not fussy.

There is an even older group who come to gyms. Looking desperately out of place in trendy workout gear, they failingly try to take their bodies back to their 20s or 30s. But too late, as years of abuse will not allow it.

Members of this group puff and pant as they move from machine to machine, as they are oppressively unfit. Gym instructors need to keep a keen eye on this bunch as they frequently think they are capable of doing things they were able to do 50 years ago.

Where to find them: Invariably in hospital.

And then there is the type of person who comes to every gym: the profoundly overweight. These people have good intentions to start off with. They just want to lose weight. It never works out though. The reason being that they either don't try hard enough or they are lazy to begin with and tire of routines after a week or two.

One of these people at my gym thinks he is Mr. Muscleman, instead of Mr. Blubberman. He rarely works out, instead flexes his flabby arms in mirrors, deliriously thinking he is looking at biceps of steel. He may be a wanna-be narcissist, but he will never reach that level of perfection.

Where to find them: At the gym's cafe or bar, secretly munching chocolate bars in the toilet.

The antithesis of the above are the cadaverously thin young ladies who flock to fitness centers. Each time they end an exercise routine, they flitter off to weigh themselves, endlessly hoping a gram of fat has burned off. But they have no fat left to burn and work out so vigorously it seems as though they will snap in two at any minute. These are the quietest lot as they are consumed by thoughts of thinness. They are not fans of the mirrors on the walls, as they seem, to themselves, bloated each time they see their reflections. These people are tenacious and work out almost on a daily basis.

Where to find them: Hovering about at weighing scales.

For all those I have mentioned, there are many more types and categories of people who go to gyms, such as the archetypical bodybuilder, the wanna-be bodybuilder who pounces about the gym wearing baseball caps and weight-lifting belts, but doesn't actually do anything, and the fitness-mad. It's all a lot of fun, though, as it lends color to otherwise dull routines.

And to which group does this writer belong? Not telling.