Finding an equal divide when sibling rivalry surfaces

By Monty P. Satiadarma

JAKARTA (JP): A mother came to me for counseling and complained that her two children could not get along well. They always fought for toys and did not want to share with each other.

She explained that the older child was a good student at school. The parents provided him with computer games to stimulate his mind and help him maintain his good grades.

The younger child was considered troubled since he did not want to study but was only interested in playing soccer. To try to improve his school performance, the parents tried to prevent him from playing soccer and computer games.

The result was that he easily got angry with his parents and tended to show his aggression. He sometimes sneaked into his brother's room and teased him when he was studying, causing fights.

Their case is typical of how sibling rivalry can develop because of the three "Cs" -- classifying, comparing and competing. In other words, parents tend to classify, compare and, unwittingly, set up competition between their children. Yet worst of all is favoritism.

First of all humans tend to classify things, objects, situations, conditions and people. Parents have a tendency to classify their children as good or bad, intelligent or unintelligent. Next, they classify the children based on certain standards such as family standards (based on other members of the family), school standards (educational averages) and cultural standards (how children are evaluated in society, such as in one's neighborhood).

Once parents start to classify their children based on family standards, they start to compare their children with some members in the family such as themselves, uncles and aunts, and between children in the extended family system. Comparing one child to another in the family includes comparing the child with his or her brother and sister. As a result, the child develops a self- image as to whether he or she is better or worse than his or her siblings.

Sometimes parents try to enforce equality among children, such as dressing them up in a similar way and providing exactly the same facilities no matter how it relates to the children's preferences. Sometimes parents openly request one child to be similar to a sibling with statements like "Why don't you behave nicely like your brother/sister?".

The message in this kind of statement implicitly means that "you are not nice as your brother/sister" or "your brother/sister is better or nicer than you are".

The child may react in several ways. Some children may become more competitive, but in a positive way. However, some children are not born with the ability or possess the skills to compete with others older than themselves. This would lead to them being frustrated, and frustration could create counterproductive acts.

For example, the child would become an attention-seeker by behaving inappropriately.

The child who feels that he is better than the sibling would tend to develop an inappropriate feeling of superiority. The child would tend to secure his superior position in the family to gain more benefits, such as praise, as well as other rewards from his parents. At the same time, however, the child would tend to perceive the other siblings as a threat, as a sibling may replace him as the favorite child.

In order to secure his position as the favorite child, the child would tend not to share anything with his siblings. This is a defensive attitude of the child, such as building a fortress to prevent outsiders from getting in. The longer the competition lasts, the thicker the fortress wall will become, and the gap between the children will become wider.

Why compete

Children want to win parental love. Children need parents' love more than anything else. When parents tend to favor one child over others, the other children would tend to feel unloved, abandoned or rejected, which is tantamount to pain.

On the other hand, every person needs love, acceptance and attention. A similar concept applies to children. Children need their parents' love, acceptance and attention. When parents favor them, they feel good and they want to keep it that way. Thus, they would try to keeping winning the favor of their parents.

Some children know how to win the favor of their parents, yet others do not know what exactly to do. Some children who do not know how to win their parents' favor would use trial and error a basic tendency of children. Sometimes they succeed, but most of the time they fail. As a result their behavior is perceived as inappropriate by parents.

Sibling rivalry could become the source of family problems. Parents always have to act as the referee, the mediator and even the judge, an exhausting task. Thus, it is better to prevent such things from happening by accepting that every child has his or her uniqueness, being aware that two people are never equal in all aspects, paying more attention to the child's individuality, developing the child's abilities, and cultivating love and the habit of sharing between siblings.

Parents need to be aware that one child may excel in mathematics, another in music, while the other in sport.

Parents should not force the child who is strong in one area to be strong in another area as well. On the contrary, parents need to facilitate the child's growth in accordance with the his or her capability. Therefore, parents need to provide the best facilities they can to help develop the child's capacity.

The most important thing for parents to do is to foster love and care between siblings so that they would share their belongings instead of competing for them. Love, care and sharing are very important to children not only with regards to siblings, but also in the context of social development. When children learn to love, care and share with others, they also tend to show love and care toward their larger social environment. When children learn to share, their social development is also in the positive direction.

Ultimately, sharing tends to reduce gaps in interpersonal relationships, while increasing better social interaction.

The writer is a family counselor based in Jakarta. He can be reached at features@thejakartapost.com.