Explaining menstruation to children

By Surtiningsih W.T.

BOGOR, West Java (JP): My eldest daughter, now grown up, has often told my granddaughters how she suffered when she first got her period.

"I was eleven and I didn't know anything about it," she said with great relish, and loudly, too, for my benefit. It seemed that she rather enjoyed tormenting me, giving me a guilt trip over the way I brought her up.

"I woke up with my panties all red and brownish. I screamed in fear, and you know what your grandma told me? 'Ooh....it's nothing. It happens to every woman. You know that when a tree grows, it will bring forth flowers. You're just like that tree..'"

"By the time your grandma had finished, I had been given some additional biology lessons, how trees grew, how birds and bees would visit 'my flowers', but I still didn't know why I had blood in my panties," my daughter said.

She and my three eldest granddaughters then stole a sidelong glance at me. One of them, ten-year-old Sofi, who had just got her menstruation, snickered.

My daughter shouldn't have blamed me, at least not in front of my granddaughters, who adore me. She was luckier than me because she could at least run to me, her mother, when she had her menarche, her first menstruation. I did not have anybody to talk to at that time.

We don't master the skill of providing our children with sexual education overnight. Ever since I gave birth to my first son, I dreaded the time when I would have to explain to him and his siblings where babies come from, what mum and dad do when they lock themselves in their room together, about wet dreams, and, of course, about menstruation.

My husband and I solved this problem by encouraging our children to read as early as possible and by leaving books on sex education lying around.

I know all seven of my children were reading those books when they -- and the books -- disappeared and the house went quiet for some time. Thus my husband and I were saved from the embarrassment of having the Big Talk with them.

Anyway, I would like to think that we made it clear to them that they could always come and talk to us. I always told my children, "If ever you encounter something that you can't understand, come to me and ask." My children would usually go, "yeah, right", and roll their eyes, but at least they knew we would try to be there for them.

I have since learned, and tried to provide whatever new wisdom I've obtained to help my children bring up their children.

I had my chance when my eldest granddaughter, Sofi, was approaching five, the age when all things feminine obsessed her. She would try on her mother's bras, panties, and once even put a sanitary pad into her own panties.

That's when I told her parents to casually speak to her about menstruation. "You'll have your periods when you're about nine or ten, Sofi," her mum said. "Your breasts will soon sprout and I will buy you some bras."

This was also the time when I and my daughters made an effort to learn about what to do when a girl approached her menarche. Here's some of the wisdom I would like to share with you:

1. Master the basics.

Learn all you can about the basic facts of puberty so that you can give your daughter/granddaughter/nieces responsible information. Although female reproductive organs are mostly hidden inside the body, there are some outward physical changes that your daughter will notice during puberty, and may want to talk to you about.

First, the hips begin to broaden and the breasts begin to develop. Then hair will appear under the armpits and in the genital area. Body height increases, the skin become thicker, more oily, and sometimes pimply. Perspiration increases, too. Finally, around two years after the breasts start developing, your daughter will begin menstruating.

2. Talking about it.

Start talking about menstruation before your daughter menstruates. Let her know what happens in a woman's body each month and why. Set aside some uninterrupted time for this cozy talk -- don't lecture, but open the door to frank and open discussion.

The key to establishing a positive, accepting attitude toward menstruation, according to Charles E. Schaefer and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo (1994) in How to Talk to Your Kids About Really Important Things, is the way you prepare your daughter in advance.

Shortly after you notice she is developing, it's time to talk about her periods. It's best to begin with the most dramatic part of menstruation -- monthly bleeding. Some girls already know about periods from their friends or school, but you'll still need to make sure that she has her facts straight.

Show her your own sanitary pads or tampons and explain that they absorb the blood that passes out of a woman's uterus and through the vagina every month.

I remember when my daughter told Sofi, "This monthly bleeding is called menstruation. Because you're getting older, you'll soon start bleeding." When my daughter said, "I don't want you to be frightened when you see the blood...," Sofi screamed, "I don't want to have periods!"

"Why not?" my daughter asked. "Are you frightened of the blood?"

"No, but Teacher said that when a girl gets her periods, that means she's grown up and so when she does something wrong, she has to bear the consequences herself," Sofi said.

This comment sidetracked the discussion for a while, but her mother continued. She told Sofi that bleeding "is perfectly normal and a sign that you're healthy".

My daughter used her own periods as an example, too. She was ready to tell Sofi why a woman has periods, but Sofi was bored and wanted to go out and play.

3. Make it brief.

When the opportunity arises, provide her with the facts. Find books for her or, better still, give her your own explanation. Make it brief, and remember to include the following points:

Females are born with a supply of eggs in their ovaries. Beginning in puberty, one egg is released approximately every 28 days by one of the two ovaries.

This egg then travels through the fallopian tubes from the ovary through the uterus. The uterus prepares to receive it by creating a blood-soaked lining containing nutrients.

If the egg is fertilized by sex, the egg becomes embedded in this lining and an embryo develops. If the egg is not fertilized, the lining dissolves and is released as menstrual flow through the vagina.

I remember the gifted daughter of a friend of mine in Bandung commented "So menstruation is the uterus' tears because the egg is not fertilized". The five-year old then vowed that she would marry as soon as possible so that not too many eggs would be wasted.

One of the most important things to tell your daughter is what to do when she first begin menstruating. Tell her that if she is away from home at the time, she should find a shop and buy her own pad. My own granddaughter Sofi has practiced so many times using sanitary pads that when she finally got her bleeding she calmly went to her mother's room and found a pad herself.

Surtiningsih W.T has written a number of children books, is the mother of seven children, and has 14 grandchildren.