Emotional abuse creates emotional dwarfs out of children

JAKARTA (JP): Five-year old Kimpaul was beaten to death by an aunt who was tired of his bed-wetting; six-year old Farida was hacked into 70 pieces by her mentally-disturbed grandmother; six- year Koko Aryadi was killed by his grandma's gay lover ....

The list could go on forever of children who were murdered by people closest to them, and whose cases were subsequently reported by the press. Another list could also be made of children who are tortured by their supposed guardians and end up in hospitals with bruises and broken bones.

What kind of a list can be made of emotionally abused children? Those children who are constantly subjected to derision, putdowns, unfair comparisons and other belittling remarks which convince them that they are worthless human beings.

Child abuse is "human originated acts of commission or omission and human-created or tolerated conditions that inhibit or preclude unfolding and development of the inherent potential of children".

The definition given by David Gil (1981) encompassed the three recognized forms of abuse: physical, sexual and emotional abuses. Of the three, however, emotional abuse may be the least known or discussed because it leaves no visible marks.

"Physical abuse leaves wounds, bruises, and is certainly accompanied by psychological scars," psychologist Judy Markum from the University of Indonesia said. "But even without physical violence, emotional abuse is no less damaging. It leaves a child's soul dying."

"(The abuse) creates emotional dwarfs out of children," she told The Jakarta Post.

Derisive remarks

Eko (not his real name) is a case in point. A withdrawn, underachieving only child of two working parents, the 13-year old boy bears the brunt of his mother's rage over the perceived "weakness" of his father.

"You flunk the subject again? You stupid child, you'll end up like your father!" is his mother's usual remark throwing a two- pronged attack against the boy and his father at the same time.

Eko's father is an engineer who lost his position to younger, more ambitious colleagues; along the way, he lost his sense of pride as well and became a weak, passive person.

The fact that the mother has only an elementary level education is probably why she cannot stop slinging derisive remarks such as "stupid", "dumb", "good for nothing" or "dim- witted", at Eko.

A psychological testing session found Eko to have superior intelligence with an IQ of 135.

Judy, who counseled the boy for a short time, had a hard time convincing him that he has the potential to perform well in school.

"He cried and said he knew he is so stupid that his mother can't stand him," Judy said.

Eko's mother refused Judy's recommendation for more intensive individual therapy for him, as well as for her and her husband. In fact, the family dropped out of the psychological service altogether .

"Without counseling and other help, I'm afraid the boy will have a harder time improving his grades and adjusting to his environment or to his changing, growing self," Judy said.

Like the other two forms of abuse, emotional abuse is a vicious circle which begins with the childrearing practices and aversive experiences the parents were exposed to in their own childhood. Judy identifies them to be lacking in self-control, overly dependent on other people, and impulsive and aggressive natures.

Trigger

Social and environmental pressures, such as financial problems, serve only as a trigger for the abuse, she said.

Most experts on childrearing agree that the rapid changes society is undergoing creates the most potential atmosphere for emotional and mental abuse of children.

Stiff competition in almost every aspect of life and the reemergence of the old adage "survival of the fittest" drive parents and guardians to treat children as miniature adults.

They are exposed to dire information, such as war and violence, similar to that which their parents receive. They are thrown into their own wars and competitions for which they are often unequipped. They are forced to act and look older than they really are. Hence, the "hurried children" syndrome.

Prominent psychologist Sartono Mukadis believes that contemporary parents' poor treatment of children originates from what he calls a growing "pseudo-shame" in society.

Parents, he wrote in Anak dan Kejahatan, are ashamed if their children don't perform well in school in fear it will cast light on their bad parenting.

"We're not ashamed if our children don't apply themselves but (one way or another) pass the exams," he said. "We're not ashamed of pressuring children to meet our unfair, incomprehensible demands."

Parents compare children in hope of spurring their competitive instincts. "Why did you flunk maths? Are you stupid? Look at your cousin, how come she can get good grades?" Sartono quoted a parent as saying.

"What right do we have to compare one child's weaknesses and strengths to another child's?" he asked.

"We should consider ourselves lucky that our children don't talk back and say, 'look at yourself, Bill Clinton is the same age as you are and he's already a president!'" he said. (swe)