Emotional abuse and the nameless fear

By Charles Justus Garard

ATLANTA, Georgia (JP): What is the worst fear in the world?

Be careful of superlatives, we are told; be careful of universals; be careful of absolutes.

But what do you think is the worst fear? Not just the worst thing in the world to be afraid of.

Try this on for size.

I believe that the worst fear is the nameless fear -- the fear that creates debilitating anxiety and numbing depression and yet is not easily attributed to a finite cause. It is, for some people, bred-in-the-bone.

This fear can deliver a double psychological whammy: The fear of the fear.

Yes, we can become afraid of being afraid because we know that this fear not only contributes moments of anxiety and depression but lasting feelings of self-dislike and low self-esteem. It can cause a grown man to cry in the middle of the day for no apparent reason. He erupts into tears because something has triggered the fear -- a word maybe, or a stray thought.

Triggered

Ah. You noticed something, didn't you? The word "triggered". Something triggered the fear. Something was jarred loose from very deep within the man's psyche, something that might have been placed there a long ago. Whatever it was, it was significant enough to cause a severe disruption and a feeling of self-dislike and hopelessness that degenerates into paralyzing fear.

This fear can cause a person to keep a loved one at a distance because he is afraid that if she gets too close, she will find him unacceptable and therefore reject him. This fear and self- loathing can disrupt and end relationships because the people involved are not willing or able to recognize the cause of the problem. They will, in some cases, try to put the blame elsewhere and be angry at the other person.

Because that's what is at the core of it all -- anger. But anger at whom?

We know that anger turned inward creates depression; we've heard it too many times. We're not afraid to discuss anger. What we're afraid to discuss is this nameless fear.

It's more widespread than you may think, as is low self-esteem and self-loathing. People don't seem to like themselves.

Wait a minute, you say.

You point out that you see people who seem to be very egocentric or self-centered, who seem to like themselves so much that they care only about their own concerns and ignore the interests and feelings -- even the safety -- of others. They, particularly males, may be sexually aggressive, trying to impress their girlfriends by driving fast new cars or by spending money freely on technological gadgets or even expensive meals. They want to appear independent; they want to appear affluent; in some cases, they want to appear happy.

Notice my use of the word "appear".

That's right.

I submit that this is an appearance, a role that they are playing. They are posturing; they are pretending. They are doing everything to keep from looking at themselves.

They are like those people who work hard without knowing what their personal goals are. They become workaholics. They are always on the go -- waterskiing through life to keep from looking at themselves. They want to avoid looking into their own hearts because they are afraid of what they might find there.

And what might they find in their own hearts? Not love. Not love for others because they don't really have love for themselves. They may want to bury this face under layers of possessions and under masks of pretense, but the truth remains that they don't want to look at themselves too closely.

Why is this?

Because of the damage that was done long ago, the damage that was done to the heart and the soul, the damage that is only brought to the surface when something triggers it.

There's that "trigger" word again. You wondered when I was going to get back to it.

But what is triggered?

Memories. Old messages.

Messages like "You're no good" or "You'll never amount to anything".

Sometimes these messages are not so blatant. Sometimes they are not even spoken. Sometimes these messages are conveyed by manner or attitudes or tone -- or even by absence. Someone who was supposed to care, support and protect you simply did not. It may have been a parent. It may have been another relative or sibling or caretaker. The point is the message, not the messenger.

Abuse

If a parent or guardian treated you this way when you were a child, we may call it child abuse. Yes, abuse. It is not the same as physical abuse or sexual abuse. It is mental abuse, or emotional abuse. Sometimes this kind of abuse is more devastating and longer lasting than physical abuse.

Physical wounds heal quickly, emotional wounds do not. They are invisible but much more insidious. They don't go away unless you do something about them.

Sexual abuse is of course damaging, but this is usually a combination of physical and emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is, as my former therapist said, the gift that keeps on giving. It keeps with you because the negative messages are still controlling you. And they will stay there until you replace them and accept yourself and love yourself as you truly are.

That's easier said than done.

It's easier to blame others. It's easier to go to war and to drop bombs. It's easier to scream at the driver of another car in traffic. It's easier to jump from one romantic or sexual experience to another. It's easier to buy things for ourselves. Anything is easier than replacing the negative messages that were put there when we were kids.

Anything is easier than accepting ourselves as flawed human beings.

Let me share three real stories.

A girl was in the hospital after a car accident. Her jaws were wired together; her face was swollen and discolored. As she was wheeled out of the hospital, her mother tried to put make-up on her face. She was not acceptable unless her face was painted up; she was not acceptable unless she looked good on the outside.

At the Taiwanese-American education service where I teach part-time, the head of the school told the faculty during a banquet about the success of several students. When he gave the names of the students, he also read out their SAT scores -- as if a test score were part of who they were as people. He told us how one student had run away from home because his parents had wanted him to major in math or science, and he wanted to be a musician. He was, perhaps, unacceptable because his own interests and ability did not coincide with what his parents wanted. He was only supposed to be accepted as an achieving scholar (who would make his parents proud when they compared him to the sons of other parents) and not accepted as a person.

A Chinese-Indonesian girl was interested in art and in becoming a singer. Her mother became angry because this interest was not acceptable to her, so the girl pushed the interest to the back of her mind. Instead she discovered an aptitude for business and became, after several years of hard work, a successful retail sales manager for an international corporation.

We are dealing with accepting one's self and with replacing negative messages put into our minds in the past by people who emotionally abused us. Maybe they -- our parents or whomever -- didn't realize what they were doing. We are not concerned with placing blame.

The point is to let go of the anger at the person who planted the negative messages and to learn how to care about ourselves for who we really are -- not who we are as money-spenders or successful business people. Then we can learn to accept who we are, regardless of whether or not everyone else accepts us.

If we accomplish that, maybe we can then discard or deal with that nameless fear.

Dr. Charles Justus Garard is an author and an Associate Professor at Morris Brown College, Atlanta, Georgia, U.S.A., who often employs psychological perspectives when he teaches literature and writing.