Don't waste this New Year's Eve

JAKARTA (JP): This is the time! This is the end of the year, the end of the decade, the end of the century, and it is the end of the millennium. So at this great moment of history, let us spend a little time alone to ask ourselves about the true meaning of New Year's and how it will affect us. Well, I don't know either.

Recently, I and a group of friends were discussing what we would do on New Year's Eve this year. I am sure that many of you have discussed plans with your friends or family, because, on that night, you will not want to be the same as millions of other people who will hit the streets wearing stupid paper hats and blowing stupid paper trumpets. No, you will want to be different that night, and that is why you will also have to take cans of beer to that street and throw up on somebody else's shoes.

No, I'm serious. This New Year's Eve, you should be different from everyone on the street, because this New Year's Eve is different than any other before it, and I will tell you why: because this is the only New Year's Eve that can be affected by the Y2K bug. That means that while you are celebrating the coming of the new millennium, the electricity may go off, and you could get lost in the crowd and nobody would know what happened to you. By being different from the crowd, you could easily be spotted after your family reports you missing to the police.

Police: What do you mean you want me to rescue a guy wearing an elephant head?

Or you could go to a New Year's Eve party, which would not be very different from partying on the street, except that there would be host. A host holds a very important function at every New Year's Eve party. He or she is the one who prevents us, the drunken guests, from peeing on the furniture. He or she is also the one holds the official watch and leads those still sober in the countdown; while on the street, the countdown is conducted by anyone who thinks of it first, in a very unsynchronized manner.

And do not forget what happens after the countdown, at the strike of 12 it's the next millennium, baby! At that time people in the whole city will cheer the coming of the new millennium by screaming "Happy New Year!" as loud as they can, honk their car horns, and sing any song to which they can remember the lyrics, including Kopi Dangdut. And guys, do not forget that girls will probably let us kiss them. Yes, they will all be willing to do that in the spirit of a millennium party; and thanks to the amount of alcohol they drink.

Another thing that will make this New Year's Eve different is that whatever you want to do that night will determine how cool we are and it will prove to your colleagues at your office that you actually have a life, because in their minds they think that when you return home from the office, you go inside the closet and turn off your battery until the next morning.

The ending of the millennium has become a very hot subject among office workers. I bet they have asked you how you will celebrate this New Year's Eve, and they will also ask about it when you first arrive at your office on Jan. 3, 2000. And I bet you want your party to be bigger and better than anyone else's, so that they know your life is better than theirs.

Tom: My party was awesome! We had more than 1,000 guests. The band was great, the door prizes were huge. And there were also strippers.

You: Mine too, but we had more beer. Ha ha!

Gary: I celebrated my New Year's Eve naked with my gay friends.

You: Uh, Me too, definitely with more beer.

What we do on that night also may change our future image, even what our future grandchildren may think of us. They might one day ask what we did that night, because it is a once-in-a- lifetime experience and they won't have any other subject to talk to us about. Then we will have the chance to tell them that we are actually as cool as they are. Imagine 20 years from now, sitting with your grandchildren, telling them that what you do at the end of the millennium was party with the Spice Girls. Then your grandchildren, full of admiration, would ask, "What is the Spice Girls?"

But what if we were to tell them that what we did was just sing Auld Lang Syne to paper clips? Well, I have to tell you, we won't lose a thing, because our grandchildren would already think of us as old and uncool in the first place, even without knowing what we did when we were young, considering the fact that we all live in the same era as Vanilla Ice.

Therefore, it would be advisable for us all to do something great this New Year's Eve.

Because it is the only chance to change our future image, from that of an old couch potato to a Bill Clinton. You have to admit that it wouldn't be half bad being like Clinton when you are old. I mean, he'll be able to talk about all sorts of past experiences: world power, money, nuclear missiles, a wife who did not care what he did, sex with girls half his age, not to mention the ability to lie about it in front of a nation and get away with it. In the future, people will use the term "the Clinton" to refer to a cool old man, just as the term "the Baldwin" is currently used to refer to a guy with excessive hair cream.

I myself am not that sure what I will do on the big night. But I am sure that whatever I do, it will change my image to a cooler and better one, because that is what I believe is the meaning of new year: a time to change into a better you, every year. That means becoming less and less like you are today.

-- E. Effendi