Doing it right in helping the bereaved

JAKARTA (JP): How do you console a person grieving the death of a loved one? You may think the answer is simple -- after all, you've seen people offering their condolences to the bereaved, or may have done so yourself.

Beware, however, because instead of comforting them, you may increase their pain.

According to counselor Liena Suwito, the most common mistake is thinking that bereaved individuals need more support during the funeral or burial services than afterwards. While financial and material assistance may be more useful at this stage, consoling them and moral support is most needed when the hustle and bustle of the funeral is over.

"The time when the bereaved is busy arranging the funeral is often a period of numbness. He or she is still in a state of shock or disbelief and has not entered the real grieving state," she said.

"Numbness may also arise from the need to look and act strong, which the bereaved may think is necessary, at least for a short while, to survive those hectic days of arranging the funeral and other ceremonies. They can temporarily 'forget' their grief during this stage."

After the burial and associated ceremonies are over, however, a feeling of emptiness sets in.

In the following days, weeks and months, the bereaved must finally face the everyday reality of no longer having the deceased around.

Experts agree that in most cases the presence of other people tends to lend moral support and strength to bereaved individuals.

But there are times when grieving people prefer to be alone.

Psychologist Monty P. Satiadarma said these include instances when others try to show too much concern, causing the bereaved to feel more depressed or when friends and relatives display superficial concern.

Here are some do's and don'ts from counselors for consoling people grieving the death of a loved one:

* Do be empathetic. Try to feel what he/she feels, together.

*Do be a good listener and don't talk too much. At this moment, your words are not needed as much as your ears and heart. If you feel like you have to say something, ask questions that are likely to help the person share his/her feelings, like: "How do you feel? It's sad that you must now eat alone when usually you had him/her (the deceased) at the table to keep you company." Try as much as possible to let him/her lead the direction of the conversation.

* Don't counter or interrupt if the person cries, becomes bitter or angry during the process of sharing. Long pauses (lasting a minute or two) are common and should not necessarily be seen as a chance for you to say something. You do not have to fill the silences.

* Don't worry if for some time he/she wants to keep talking about the deceased or cherished things left behind. Avoiding conversation about the deceased, the death or diverting attention to other issues is painful for the bereaved, who sees the death as the paramount topic at that moment.

* Don't give unwanted suggestions or advice, such as telling the bereaved to "forget the past" by attending a party or visiting a local night club. Let such suggestions come from, and decisions made by, the bereaved. Give the message that you will be there with a lending ear and presence when he/she needs you.

* Don't pretend or act sad by showing more tears. It's fine to cry along with the bereaved if you're comfortable with that, but doing so excessively does not help the bereaved. It may in fact deepen his/her feeling of loss -- and in some cases increase a feeling of guilt.

* Do be careful with what you say. Don't say things like "don't cry", "don't be sad" or "don't think about it, leave the past behind". It will make the bereaved deny the reality of the situation and see you as insensitive.

* Several weeks after the death, do ask the bereaved whether he/she would like to be on the "giving" side of consolation instead of the receiving end. For instance, ask if he/she wants to join visits to other families who are grieving or suffering. This way, without words, you are getting him/her back to "normal life", which involves receiving and giving. If the grieving person prefers not to join, don't force the issue. Try another time.

* Do involve clerics or religious leaders (preferably those trained in grief counseling) in the healing process. They are a source of moral support, particularly when discussing spirituality and topics like sin and guilt which may linger after the death. A priest may help the bereaved in alleviating these feelings.

* For young children who have lost a close family member, death can be confusing. Do explain what is happening or why the family member has died in one simple sentence. A young child will be satisfied if you simply say: "Father died because of cancer/a car accident." Save explanations on how father has "gone to heaven" or how "God has taken father" for later, when the child is old enough to understand.

In any case, answer the child's question -- even "I don't know" will do. Not answering questions will bring out his/her curiosity and the child may even think it's wrong to ask, which may increase feelings of guilt -- if they already exist -- and confusion. (Prapti Widinugraheni)