Doing it right in helping the bereaved

Doing it right in helping the bereaved

JAKARTA (JP): How do you console a person grieving the death
of a loved one? You may think the answer is simple -- after all,
you've seen people offering their condolences to the bereaved, or
may have done so yourself.

Beware, however, because instead of comforting them, you may
increase their pain.

According to counselor Liena Suwito, the most common mistake
is thinking that bereaved individuals need more support during
the funeral or burial services than afterwards. While financial
and material assistance may be more useful at this stage,
consoling them and moral support is most needed when the hustle
and bustle of the funeral is over.

"The time when the bereaved is busy arranging the funeral is
often a period of numbness. He or she is still in a state of
shock or disbelief and has not entered the real grieving state,"
she said.

"Numbness may also arise from the need to look and act strong,
which the bereaved may think is necessary, at least for a short
while, to survive those hectic days of arranging the funeral and
other ceremonies. They can temporarily 'forget' their grief
during this stage."

After the burial and associated ceremonies are over, however,
a feeling of emptiness sets in.

In the following days, weeks and months, the bereaved must
finally face the everyday reality of no longer having the
deceased around.

Experts agree that in most cases the presence of other people
tends to lend moral support and strength to bereaved individuals.

But there are times when grieving people prefer to be alone.

Psychologist Monty P. Satiadarma said these include instances
when others try to show too much concern, causing the bereaved to
feel more depressed or when friends and relatives display
superficial concern.

Here are some do's and don'ts from counselors for consoling
people grieving the death of a loved one:

* Do be empathetic. Try to feel what he/she feels, together.

*Do be a good listener and don't talk too much. At this moment,
your words are not needed as much as your ears and heart. If you
feel like you have to say something, ask questions that are
likely to help the person share his/her feelings, like: "How do
you feel? It's sad that you must now eat alone when usually you
had him/her (the deceased) at the table to keep you company." Try
as much as possible to let him/her lead the direction of the
conversation.

* Don't counter or interrupt if the person cries, becomes bitter
or angry during the process of sharing. Long pauses (lasting a
minute or two) are common and should not necessarily be seen as a
chance for you to say something. You do not have to fill the
silences.

* Don't worry if for some time he/she wants to keep talking about
the deceased or cherished things left behind. Avoiding
conversation about the deceased, the death or diverting attention
to other issues is painful for the bereaved, who sees the death
as the paramount topic at that moment.

* Don't give unwanted suggestions or advice, such as telling the
bereaved to "forget the past" by attending a party or visiting a
local night club. Let such suggestions come from, and decisions
made by, the bereaved. Give the message that you will be there
with a lending ear and presence when he/she needs you.

* Don't pretend or act sad by showing more tears. It's fine to
cry along with the bereaved if you're comfortable with that, but
doing so excessively does not help the bereaved. It may in fact
deepen his/her feeling of loss -- and in some cases increase a
feeling of guilt.

* Do be careful with what you say. Don't say things like "don't
cry", "don't be sad" or "don't think about it, leave the past
behind". It will make the bereaved deny the reality of the
situation and see you as insensitive.

* Several weeks after the death, do ask the bereaved whether
he/she would like to be on the "giving" side of consolation
instead of the receiving end. For instance, ask if he/she wants
to join visits to other families who are grieving or suffering.
This way, without words, you are getting him/her back to "normal
life", which involves receiving and giving. If the grieving
person prefers not to join, don't force the issue. Try another
time.

* Do involve clerics or religious leaders (preferably those
trained in grief counseling) in the healing process. They are a
source of moral support, particularly when discussing
spirituality and topics like sin and guilt which may linger after
the death. A priest may help the bereaved in alleviating these
feelings.

* For young children who have lost a close family member, death
can be confusing. Do explain what is happening or why the family
member has died in one simple sentence. A young child will be
satisfied if you simply say: "Father died because of cancer/a car
accident." Save explanations on how father has "gone to heaven"
or how "God has taken father" for later, when the child is old
enough to understand.

In any case, answer the child's question -- even "I don't
know" will do. Not answering questions will bring out his/her
curiosity and the child may even think it's wrong to ask, which
may increase feelings of guilt -- if they already exist -- and
confusion. (Prapti Widinugraheni)