Discipline meant to educate children

Donya Betancourt, Pediatrician, Sanur, Bali, drdonya@hotmail.com

While their pediatrician may be able to prescribe an antibiotic to cure a sore throat or an ear infection, solutions for childhood behavior problems are not nearly as clear-cut, nor is there a consensus on the best approach to discipline.

By definition, behavior is simply verbal and nonverbal communication. Good behavior is defined as to whether it meets social, cultural, developmental and age-appropriate standards.

Through behavior, your child may be trying to communicate messages like: "That's too difficult for me"; "I'm afraid of failure"; "I'm afraid of disappointing you"; "I'm bored"; "I'm tired"; "I'm afraid of being rejected"; "I want you to play with me"; "I need you"; "I want to please you"; "I love you... I want you to pay attention to me."

Attention, of course, is one of the most important things that children desire and seek from their parents. The attention they most want is the message that they are loved, valued, accepted and respected. Children will go to great extremes for the feeling that unconditional love is there for them.

Children will do whatever it takes to get recognition and to have their needs met. They quickly learn what kind of behavior gets their parents to respond to them and meet their needs, and if positive behavior doesn't work, they will turn to negative behavior.

Even if their misbehavior gets them a negative reaction (such as being scolded), any recognition is better than none, in the eyes of children.

Behavior, then, does not occur in isolation. It is a form of communication, a way to express needs and feelings, and is influenced by a child's desires, temperament, and ability to adapt, as well as by parenting style, family situations, and various stresses and transitions - from a minor illness to starting a new school year.

During the school-age years, children are developing rapidly, and in many ways they are trying to understand the world around them, face new demands, deal with success and failure, and communicate with their siblings, parents and increasingly with their peers. In many cases these changes can lead to problems.

Just as the middle years offer endless opportunities for children to learn and to meet new challenges, so, too, they provide an equal number of chances for them to make mistakes, to achieve and succeed, and to question or challenge parental values, rules and attitudes.

Proper parental discipline is a way to teach children what behavior is appropriate in which circumstance, or how to interact in a socially acceptable manner. Here, discipline does not imply punishment or scolding. It means "to educate".

Proper discipline teaches children to live in a safe, civilized and harmonious manner with themselves and others. There are some essential elements to disciplining well, including correctly understanding the child's needs and abilities.

Communicating effectively, and using positive and negative reinforcements appropriately is a key to success.

Clinical studies examining the mental health of children who were abused and neglected suggest that the result of these abuses places children at increased risk for delinquency, adult criminality, and violent criminal behavior. These studies also determined that the abused child's ability to develop a personal identity, handle stress, control arousal and memory, were all effected and impaired for years after the acute trauma occurred.

When children's behavior is complex and challenging, some parents find reasons not to respond. For instance, parents often rationalize ("It's not my fault"), despair ("Why me?"), wish it would go away ("Kids outgrow these problems anyway"), deny ("There's really no problem"), hesitate to take action ("It may hurt his feelings"), avoid ("I didn't want to face his anger") or fear rejection ("He won't love me").

If you are worried about your child's behavior or development, or if you are uncertain as to how one affects the other, consult your pediatrician as early as possible, even if you just want to be reassured that your child's behavior and development are within the normal range.