Communication needed to address menopausal problems

By Maria Endah Hulupi

JAKARTA (JP): The slogan life begins at 40 generally cannot be applied to the sex lives of married couples.

Take as an example Tania, who recently celebrated her 42nd birthday. She has menstrual irregularities, hot flashes and cannot sleep at night, not to mention suffering from fatigue, headaches and a loss of sexual desire.

Indeed, over the past several months she has come up with excuses not to make love with her husband John.

That is not all. John returned home late recently, saying he had an urgent meeting with clients. Was that it? Could it be that he had dinner with ...

Tania looked at her reflection in the mirror. She saw thin lines under her eyes, around her mouth and on her forehead. Suddenly she realized she was an old and lonely woman.

Women entering their 40s should prepare themselves for some changes in their lives, changes that might affect their marriages.

Gynecologist and sex consultant Boyke Dian Nugraha recently presented some surprising figures gathered by the Pasutri clinic in Tebet, South Jakarta. According to the data, 42 percent of men have an affair when their wives reach their 40s.

"Women at this age start entering the climacteric period, which includes three phases, from pre- to postmenopause, during which physical and mental changes occur," he said during a seminar on menopause last week.

Indonesian women usually begin menopause at the age of 47 or 48. They begin losing muscle firmness and other signs of aging become more obvious.

"However, it depends on how the person lives. Smoking, a bad diet or a high caloric intake will speed up the process," he said.

The physical changes include fatigue, light headaches, menstrual irregularities, reduced sexual desire and a drop in the production of vaginal secretions, which will cause pain during intercourse.

"Many women make up excuses to evade sexual intercourse. This is the major excuses for men to find it someplace else. Or if they decide to make love, they do it unwillingly, which might offend their husbands," he said, adding that men remain sexually active into their 70s.

During menopause, women also experience some psychological changes. They become easily irritated and feel lonely, as they begin to harbor thoughts that they are no longer wanted or needed by their husbands.

Boyke stressed the importance of good communication between husband and wife to help each other get through this time. Indeed, a lack of communication aggravates the relationship during menopause.

"It is a normal phase and communication must play its role during this phase, as couples need to let each other know about the changes and how they really feel about it," Boyke said.

"Physical changes happen to both men and women. A husband cannot tease his wife about signs of aging because he also has changed," he said.

While stressing that these changes are unavoidable, he said women could delay menopause by adopting a healthy lifestyle, eating healthy food, exercising and thinking positive about getting older.

"Getting old is a blessing. Instead of regretting it, people should be grateful to God and start planning what they can do for their children and other people.

"They have to mentally prepare themselves for being left alone by their children, as the children will grow up and start building their own families.

"This is also natural and should not make women feel alone. They should instead begin new, positive activities, like learning a new language or joining an exercise class. These activities will help them develop themselves and make them feel useful as they get older," he said.

Also, signs of aging should not get in the way of sexual happiness, as it simply takes a little creativity to spice up a couple's sex life, he said.

Boyke said exploring new techniques and positions played an important role in ensuring an interesting sex life.

"Every woman can use new ways to arouse her husband's sexual desire .... She can always whisper romantic words into his ear, for example," Boyke said.

Aside from that, he added, it is necessary to live a healthy life and to eat healthy food to prevent problems associated with getting older, like osteoporosis. Also, it is vital to visit the doctor for periodic checkups.