Coming out of the closet with British cuisine

Bill Blade, Contributor, Jakarta

Pity the poor old British. Not only are they condemned for their sins to living on rain-swept, mist-shrouded islands with up to half the population over 30 crippled by damp-induced arthritis, but they're also the proud possessors of one of the world's most maligned cuisines, possibly worsted only by the termite-based delights of Outer Mbongoland.

Well that's what the detractors (of which there are many) say, at any rate.

In fact, the detractors claim the food is so bad that during the Roman occupation our Latin brethren were compelled to construct a large wall across the north of England. Why so, you may innocently inquire?

For no other purpose than to keep out hordes of Pictish warriors driven to such a state of madness and cannibalism by the horrors dished up in Glasgow that they were willing to risk all for a tasty bit of Italian cuisine in the form of "legionnaire delight", with the odd bit of "centurion casserole" thrown in for added spice. I kid you not, many was the Roman squaddie who met his end in the Pictish pots!

Even the British themselves seem to be taken in by the cruel jibes and sneers of foreigners (particularly the insidious French), and do more than anyone else to run down their own gastronomic traditions (self-deprecation being a recognized British trait, or so the British say).

Well, I for one have had enough of such culinary calumnies and am no longer prepared to remain in the (kitchen) closet. I'm going to come out and say proudly, unreservedly and unashamedly that, er, I actually like British food (there now, that wasn't so difficult, was it?)

But before the cookhouse counselors, frenzied foodies and garrulous gastronomes rush in where only fools fear to tread, what exactly is British food anyway? Well, for one thing, it doesn't have any of the obvious horrors associated with some other national cuisines I could name, such as that awful, garish pink soup known as borsch in the Slavic lands, or roast guinea pig in the Andean countries, or even boiled stag's testicles in Bulgaria and Romania.

Now, with the exception of black pudding (don't be fooled into a false sense of security by the pudding tag -- this is actually concocted from congealed pig's blood -- yummy!) and tripe (the stomach lining of a cow), British food is actually reasonably civilized and inoffensive. At least it is in this modern, sanitized age where anything remotely resembling an innard produces frissons of revulsion, although I wouldn't want to vouch for the situation a hundred years ago.

It must be remembered also that the British Isles consist of not one but rather four individual countries, England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales, all of which have provided their own unique contributions to the cauldron.

And just as Dutch cuisine has been greatly influenced by the gastronomy of the East Indies (the islands that are today Indonesia), so British cuisine has been equally influenced by traditions and tastes drawn from the four corners of the British Empire, such as teas from Ceylon (the Brits and the Irish are the world's greatest tea guzzlers), and chutneys, kedgeree, and mulligatawny soup from India -- not to mention the ubiquitous presence of Indian and Chinese restaurants all over the British Isles today.

As one would expect with islands cast adrift in the cold, stormy ocean on the edge of Northern Europe, the fare is substantial and hearty, with breakfast being a particularly bountiful event.

It normally consists (at least according to the tourist brochures) of a glass of fruit juice, bowl of cereal, plate of crispy fried bacon, beef or pork sausages, fried or scrambled eggs, grilled tomato halves, sauteed mushrooms and fried bread. A rack of freshly made toast, butter and marmalade, and tea or coffee, accompanies. All in all, enough to set one up for most of the day and definitely not for the faint-hearted.

A whole bevy of traditional British dishes are in the process of becoming well-known all over the globe (not just in the former colonies), due to the burgeoning growth of British and Irish theme pubs, now to be found in just about every major city in the world, including dear old dirty Jakarta.

These dishes include such staples as steak and kidney pie, cottage pie (ground beef with a creamy mashed potato topping baked in the oven), spicy pasties (various kinds of potato/ vegetable and meat pies), juicy lamb with mint sauce and, of course, tender roast beef with Yorkshire pudding (the pudding is actually a kind of dumpling made from flour, eggs and milk, rather than a sweet pudding).

Britain is also well-known for its cakes and pastries, many of which are specially prepared only once a year to mark Christian feast days. These include Hot Cross Buns (eaten on Good Friday), Simnel Cake (Mothering Sunday), Plum Pudding (Christmas) and Twelfth Night Cake for Epiphany. Local delicacies include Bath Buns, Chelsea Buns, Eccles Cakes and Banbury Cakes, all of which are absolutely delicious. Take it from me!

But where in Jakarta can one sample all, or any, of these goodies? Well, herein lies the rub for it would appear that the detractors have won the day in this neck of the woods, with the result that authentic British cuisine is only available in a limited number of places, mostly pubs, and even then the choice is measly, to say the least.

For excellent steak and kidney pies, you could do worse than try out the Stamford Arms in the Hotel Ambhara (Jl. Iskandarsyah Raya No. 1, Blok M, Tel. 2700888) or, even better, try the Bullseye Special at O'Hagans Irish Pub in the Hotel Menara Peninsula (Jl. Letjen. S. Parman, Kav. 78, Tel. 5359757). This is a steak and kidney pud that's bursting with thick, chunky kidneys and tender morsels of beef, all cooked in a Guinness-based gravy and served up with creamy, buttery, mashed potatoes. I must say, this is one of the finest such puds I've ever gotten my fangs into.

The Stamford Arms also has on offer that other pub grub staple, cottage pie, a large, satisfying meal that definitely hits the mark in the taste stakes. Or, if that doesn't take your fancy, you could always try the bangers and mash (once memorably described in the Stamford Arms menu as "bangles and mash"). A workingman's favorite consisting of jumbo sausages and mashed potatoes served with gravy and peas, this is about as British a dish as you can get.

O' Hagan's also has what it calls a Ma O'Shea's Crusted Pot, which is in fact a glorified, but absolutely delicious, version of that other old pub favorite, chicken pie.

Not so far away from the Stamford Arms in Blok M is the Sportman's Bar and Grill (Jl. Palatehan 1 No. 6-8 Blok M), which also dishes up a few tempting offerings from the sceptered isle, including a tender roast leg of lamb served with thick gravy and roast potatoes, and roast pork loin served with apple sauce, roast potatoes and buttered cabbage -- one of my personal favorites.

And last but by no means least, you could do a lot worse than check out the Restoran Napolina (formerly The Eastern Promise) at Jl. Kemang Raya No. 5 (Tel. 7996151), which, despite its Italianate name, has a great little British bar at the back. The owner, an English desperado if ever there was one, will fix you up with a whopping great plate of fish and chips replete with mushy peas, those staples of workingmen's cafes the length and breadth of Britain. He also does a spiffing steak and kidney pud, and a wizard plate of bangers and mash.

But, I think it's time we took a bit of a reality check here.

Let's face it, unless you wangle an invitation to a British Embassy dinner, you won't grow fat on the amount of British food you're going to find in Jakarta. If you really want to see what the Brits can dish up, you'll have to wrap up well and take a trip over to dear old Blighty. But be warned, you'll be coming back a few kilos the heavier!