Coming clean on Indonesian sexual attitudes today

Coming clean on Indonesian sexual attitudes today

JAKARTA (JP): The country could be said to be experiencing its
own sexual identity crisis. Information and counseling on once
taboo subjects are now freely available, yet traditional mores
still predominate.

It is a situation which leaves some Indonesians torn between
pressure to conform to entrenched sexual mores and the realities
of their lives. Jakarta residents give their views on
contemporary sexual attitudes.

Djoni Irawan, 42, lawyer and TV soap opera actor. He is
married: Things like premarital sex, extramarital sex, sex
scandals, orgies, etc., are actually not new here. But now there
are more reports about them along with the euphoria of press
freedom. They are exposed boldly, nothing is covered up.

And people seem to be indifferent to this moral deviation; I
call it moral deviation because it is not allowed by religion.

I know some people who have extramarital affairs or who live
together outside of wedlock. It's none of my business. Once a
friend who had an affair asked me if it was "normal". I said that
he did it because he was under stress due to his rocky marriage
-- I said it's normal.

I have been married for 15 years. To be honest, I once thought
about having another woman, but I did not do it because I was
able to be rational, I did not want to take any risks.

I don't think that virginity is a determining factor in a
marriage. What if a woman lost her virginity because she was
raped? If a woman is not a virgin due to whatever reason, and she
promises to be faithful, I would be on her side. Virginity is
only a technical value, what is more important are moral values.

"Renata", a 24-year-old private company employee who lives
with her western boyfriend: I make a distinction between "free
sex" (promiscuity) and premarital sex in a relationship. I know
in religion there is no difference, they are the same sin for
Muslims, but for me they are different. If you have a
relationship, you live with the person, you know their habits,
you know who they are, you have shared goals.

The funny thing is people cannot accept it in Indonesia. Even
if we are "modern" people, if we are talking in public we cover
it up. I have to be a bit of a hypocrite; about sex before
marriage, I will say, "It may be OK for others, but it's not for
me." Yes, I would be as hypocritical as that. Look at Boyke -- if
he is speaking in public he would never say it's OK. He always
would take the middle way. You know how strict we are here.

I was 21 when I first had sex, and it was just between me and
my then boyfriend. I was at college, and people were talking
about how people were so much freer than before. Of course, I
would say, "It's no problem if they want to do it, but I wouldn't
do that." It was only two years later that I found out two of my
friends, these innocent-faced things, also were not virgins. We
were so scared of admitting it.

In the office, everybody assumes I am a virgin. I would not
tell them I am living with a man. They would think the negative,
that I am amoral. Just look at our celebrities. You see a famous
man and woman together, checking into a hotel together, and then
they turn round and say they are saving themselves for marriage.
Come on! It's all so hypocritical.

I think it is changing with young people. You can see it in
their clothes, in the way they mix together. But I think 70
percent of Indonesian men still want to marry a virgin. They are
asking too much when they themselves have had lots of sex before
getting married. They are really too much.

"Jerry", a 29-year-old bank employee. He is single: I
acknowledge that we have this double standard for men and women.
I am not a virgin, but I would want my wife to be. If a man is
good in bed, it's to be expected, but if a woman is, then it
leaves a big question mark.

I could accept it if my partner was not a virgin if she told
me it was an accident and she was very sorry. There is a
difference between men having sex and women experiencing it for
the first time. We can control ourselves, but it's not the same
for women once they have lost their virginity. If a woman is not
sorry after losing her virginity outside of marriage, then you
start to think about what kind of woman she is.

Yet I also realize that this is hypocritical. You know, in
Indonesian the word binal (loose) can only be used for women, we
wouldn't say it for a man. For men my age, I think it's 50-50;
some of my friends may be able to accept a wife who is not a
virgin. As for teenagers, well, they don't understand the
situation yet, they haven't felt what it is like. Later on it
will become an issue for them, too.

Paquitta Wijaya, 30, artist and HIV/AIDS counselor. She got
married earlier this year: I am not sure if more people have
premarital sex now. This started happening a long time ago, not
only in big cities, but also in small towns. They are just more
open about this matter. As a counselor, I feel concerned,
especially for the teenagers, but I cannot forbid them. I have to
be tolerant, otherwise (they would consider me) hypocritical. I
can only remind them to be more responsible and think about the
risk -- not just about pregnancy, but also STDs and even
HIV/AIDS. I can't preach because it is their own choice.

Personally, I disagree with sex outside marriage. I myself got
married at the age of 30 and now I can say to single adults who
are having premarital sex: if you are ready to get married, just
do it.

We can't just blame globalization. It's about our (religious)
faith. Communication in the family is important, but there is a
gap between (family members). People talk about sex in seminars,
in the media, but not at home, where it is still taboo. The
bottom line is, if there is a problem, they must talk about it,
not avoid it.

Julia Suryakusuma, sociologist: The issue has become more
open, but that is a function of globalization, as well as the
developments in the country in the past two years. On the other
side of the picture, the contradictions are even greater. The
freedom and openness are more on the level of discourse; it's
more visible, but there is not a fundamental change in values ...

The onslaught has come with globalization influences from the
West, which actually causes defensive reactions from
fundamentalist groups who reduce it to a form they can reject --
"this is bad, this is from the West" ...

Indonesians are actually very pragmatic about sex --
premarital and extramarital sex are in many ways accepted as part
of life, outside of social and religious institutions ... But the
situation (greater openness) is not better for women because
women's greater availability benefits men. When men are free to
have extramarital sex but go home and expect their wives to be
faithful, that is a double standard.

Din Syamsuddin, the secretary-general of the Indonesian Ulemas
Council (MUI): What we are experiencing now is part of a sexual
revolution, which has been remarkable in its scope, reaching
developing countries in the process of modernization and
globalization. It brings with it the negative aspects of free sex
(promiscuity) and hedonistic practices involving sex.

Hedonism, free sex and the like destroy social harmony and
bring with them plagues, which is what we see today with
incurable diseases. It is all due to anthropocentrism, putting
people as the center of the universe instead of God ... People in
third world countries should take the benefits from the West,
like science and technology, not the moral decadence of western
societies, the shallow way of life ... Sex is meant to be
confined to the sacred institution of marriage.

We need a self-defense mechanism because our young people are
going through a type of culture shock. Religious figures, and
here I mean in Islam, need to strengthen our young people through
the internalization of religious values and ethics. (brc/sim).