Closet door remains shut for many gays

Hera Diani, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

It took years of pretending, of dating women and feeling hollow inside when others teased him about when he would get married, before "Heldy" finally faced facts.

"I met a man that I really look up to because he is very decent and nice. It turned out he is gay, too. It made me realize that gay people can be decent and manly, instead of the typical effeminate and sex-oriented gay that is always projected," he said.

The urge to be honest with some of those close to him grew. He told one of his best friends, but it was difficult to utter the words.

"At first I told her that I had converted to another religion, which made her nearly fall off her chair," laughed the 26-year- old writer.

"She was shocked, of course, but then managed to be cool about it."

Although Heldy has since told other friends, it has never crossed his mind to tell his family. Like most Indonesian gays who have grown up with feelings of guilt and shame, he is choosing to be selectively open with others because of the fear of rejection and stigmatization.

Although waria (transvestite homosexuals) are nothing new in Indonesian society, homosexuality remains a highly sensitive issue. Self-acknowledgement of a gay identity, including by having a same-sex partner and not submitting to societal pressure to marry, is a modern phenomenon and an anathema in this communal, family-oriented and traditionally conservative society.

The growing recognition of gays in urban centers -- where gay men and women have traditionally fled the social and family pressures of villages and small towns -- does not translate into acceptance.

Several famous fashion designers, artists and at least one former minister are generally assumed to be gay, but they would never acknowledge it to a disapproving public.

Although gay-bashing is rare here, the disruption of an AIDS conference near Yogyakarta in 2000 and the attacks on gay and transsexual participants failed to cause a public outcry.

Most people tolerate gay public figures or acquaintances, but they would not display the same attitude to their children.

"It makes parents do irrational things," gay activist Marcel Latuihamallo said of how some people deal with their fears, such as trying to force their children to marry, sometimes using physical abuse.

"That's because of society's association that homosexuality is merely about sex, something peculiar, disgusting and sinful," added the man from Fraternal Association for People of the Same Heart (IPOOS).

Alternately, it is dismissed as a joke, Marcel said, "something to be mocked".

Gay people are vulnerable to feelings of alienation and depression because of a lack of positive openly gay role models. However, the advent of the cyberworld has provided a new forum aside from the usual hangouts of parks, discos and malls for gay men and women to communicate with others.

In chatrooms, they can express themselves freely without running the risk of exposure.

Lesbians deal with their own set of problems.

"We live in this patriarchal society where being women is already hard enough, let alone being a lesbian," said Bonnie from Swara Srikandi organization.

"People are more accepting if some men are different, but not for women. Prejudice and stigma toward lesbians runs deep. We've always been considered perverted people and that we're 'contagious'."

Lesbian groups have not found allies in the women's rights movement, with the latter viewing homosexuality as an issue of sexual preference.

"They forget that we are women, too, that violence and abuse also happen to us. Like a girl who was locked in the house and wasn't allowed to go to school after her parents found out she was lesbian. That's so sad," said Wina, another Swara member.

In confronting entrenched societal disapproval, groups like IPOOS and Swara do not champion the cause of gay rights in a Western sense, but instead work more as support groups, holding regular meetings and distributing newsletters to their members.

"We want to educate them about the positive sides of being gay, and we also want to dispel the image that equates gays only with sex."

Bonnie acknowledged that antihomosexual groups criticize the organizations for providing information, believing that they will influence impressionable young people to become gay.

She said the intention was to educate people, not sway them.

"Some people think they're homosexual but their attraction to the same sex is merely based on the same interests. Some are in a gray area but can't find the answer, so they get married but later commit adultery with a homosexual partner.

"What if they already have children (and are found out)? It would ruin one generation."

The groups realize their efforts face daunting obstacles, including in building a sense of community among people who frequently do not want to associate with other gays, sometimes because of the fear of being "outed".

"I just don't want being gay to be seen as the only thing about me. OK, it's my sexual orientation but that's not the most important thing for me. Most gay people talk about being gay all the time. I don't like that. It's not something that we have to flaunt all the time," Heldy said.

"I also don't expect everyone to accept homosexuality. I can understand their point of view."

Some gays, like "Iwan", do dream of acceptance: He hopes that one day he can introduce his longtime boyfriend to his family without lying about their relationship.

Bonnie said she was confident there would be greater acceptance in the future.

"But, for now, it's more important for homosexuals to make peace with themselves and have the right self-perception."