Closet door remains shut for many gays

Closet door remains shut for many gays

Hera Diani, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

It took years of pretending, of dating women and feeling hollow
inside when others teased him about when he would get married,
before "Heldy" finally faced facts.

"I met a man that I really look up to because he is very
decent and nice. It turned out he is gay, too. It made me realize
that gay people can be decent and manly, instead of the typical
effeminate and sex-oriented gay that is always projected," he
said.

The urge to be honest with some of those close to him grew. He
told one of his best friends, but it was difficult to utter the
words.

"At first I told her that I had converted to another religion,
which made her nearly fall off her chair," laughed the 26-year-
old writer.

"She was shocked, of course, but then managed to be cool about
it."

Although Heldy has since told other friends, it has never
crossed his mind to tell his family. Like most Indonesian gays
who have grown up with feelings of guilt and shame, he is
choosing to be selectively open with others because of the fear
of rejection and stigmatization.

Although waria (transvestite homosexuals) are nothing new in
Indonesian society, homosexuality remains a highly sensitive
issue. Self-acknowledgement of a gay identity, including by
having a same-sex partner and not submitting to societal pressure
to marry, is a modern phenomenon and an anathema in this
communal, family-oriented and traditionally conservative society.

The growing recognition of gays in urban centers -- where gay
men and women have traditionally fled the social and family
pressures of villages and small towns -- does not translate into
acceptance.

Several famous fashion designers, artists and at least one
former minister are generally assumed to be gay, but they would
never acknowledge it to a disapproving public.

Although gay-bashing is rare here, the disruption of an AIDS
conference near Yogyakarta in 2000 and the attacks on gay and
transsexual participants failed to cause a public outcry.

Most people tolerate gay public figures or acquaintances, but
they would not display the same attitude to their children.

"It makes parents do irrational things," gay activist Marcel
Latuihamallo said of how some people deal with their fears, such
as trying to force their children to marry, sometimes using
physical abuse.

"That's because of society's association that homosexuality is
merely about sex, something peculiar, disgusting and sinful,"
added the man from Fraternal Association for People of the Same
Heart (IPOOS).

Alternately, it is dismissed as a joke, Marcel said,
"something to be mocked".

Gay people are vulnerable to feelings of alienation and
depression because of a lack of positive openly gay role models.
However, the advent of the cyberworld has provided a new forum
aside from the usual hangouts of parks, discos and malls for gay
men and women to communicate with others.

In chatrooms, they can express themselves freely without
running the risk of exposure.

Lesbians deal with their own set of problems.

"We live in this patriarchal society where being women is
already hard enough, let alone being a lesbian," said Bonnie from
Swara Srikandi organization.

"People are more accepting if some men are different, but not
for women. Prejudice and stigma toward lesbians runs deep. We've
always been considered perverted people and that we're
'contagious'."

Lesbian groups have not found allies in the women's rights
movement, with the latter viewing homosexuality as an issue of
sexual preference.

"They forget that we are women, too, that violence and abuse
also happen to us. Like a girl who was locked in the house and
wasn't allowed to go to school after her parents found out she
was lesbian. That's so sad," said Wina, another Swara member.

In confronting entrenched societal disapproval, groups like
IPOOS and Swara do not champion the cause of gay rights in a
Western sense, but instead work more as support groups, holding
regular meetings and distributing newsletters to their members.

"We want to educate them about the positive sides of being
gay, and we also want to dispel the image that equates gays only
with sex."

Bonnie acknowledged that antihomosexual groups criticize the
organizations for providing information, believing that they will
influence impressionable young people to become gay.

She said the intention was to educate people, not sway them.

"Some people think they're homosexual but their attraction to
the same sex is merely based on the same interests. Some are in a
gray area but can't find the answer, so they get married but
later commit adultery with a homosexual partner.

"What if they already have children (and are found out)? It
would ruin one generation."

The groups realize their efforts face daunting obstacles,
including in building a sense of community among people who
frequently do not want to associate with other gays, sometimes
because of the fear of being "outed".

"I just don't want being gay to be seen as the only thing
about me. OK, it's my sexual orientation but that's not the most
important thing for me. Most gay people talk about being gay all
the time. I don't like that. It's not something that we have to
flaunt all the time," Heldy said.

"I also don't expect everyone to accept homosexuality. I can
understand their point of view."

Some gays, like "Iwan", do dream of acceptance: He hopes that
one day he can introduce his longtime boyfriend to his family
without lying about their relationship.

Bonnie said she was confident there would be greater
acceptance in the future.

"But, for now, it's more important for homosexuals to make
peace with themselves and have the right self-perception."