Cliche or not, mixed couples show that love conquers all

Cliche or not, mixed couples show that love conquers all

Tony Hotland, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

Fiction or not, the romantic tales of Captain John Smith and
Pocahontas or of Shrek and Princess Fiona might have spared an
enduring spot in this world of uniformity to show that, as the
French put it, conquiert tout.

Risma Sirait and her husband Suhartono (not their real names)
thought they'd never see the day their parents would be sitting
in the same room, enjoying lunch together interspersed with
bursts of laughter.

"We yelled too much back then -- at my parents, at his
parents, at each other. My sister even slapped me once for being
with him," Risma said, recalling the trying months she went
through on the receiving end of her family's wrath.

The couple defied perhaps every rule of courtship this
community holds too close and too dear: Risma is a Batak and
Christian now happily married to her Javanese, Muslim husband.

The unwritten, yet obvious, rules of engagement are not that a
Batak cannot get married to a Javanese or a Muslim, and vice-
versa. Rather, it is that one must not get romantically involved
with someone of a different background -- ethnic, religious or
even someone with a different nationality.

Suhartono and Risma met nine years ago at work. He was her
subordinate. Love was in the air, so thick that they decided to
quit their jobs, a pretty image of walking down the aisle
together in their hearts and minds.

"My father was so furious with our plan to wed that he came
all the way down from Medan. He intended to take me back there to
separate us, but we were more than determined to see this
relationship through that we hid away to give them time to calm
down," Risma said.

The two never walked down the aisle -- literally speaking.
Family on both sides were more than upset with their
hardheadedness and tried to stop them. So the two married in
secret at a religious affairs office in December 1999.

"It was a decision we rushed to give them a more legitimate
reason as to why we couldn't be separated. I got a seasonal ID
card claiming I was a Muslim so we could get married. After that
ID expired, I used my real one again," she said, laughing.

Life remained hard for the newlyweds until baby Jessica came
along.

"(Then) It became easier for us -- and for them -- to deal
with this conflict. Our parents finally came to visit, perhaps
just to see Jessi. But as time has gone by, we've been able to
show them we're doing fine, even with our differences. I still
practice Islam and Risma is still Christian," said Suhartono.

More than anything else, he was gracious and proud that he and
his wife had finally received their parents' blessings.

"We went to Medan last month for this Batak ceremony, where I
was given a family name of my own so that Risma and Jessi won't
lose their clan name. And my family was OK with it," he added.

A year before Rahma and Suhartono embarked upon their journey
to matrimony, Lina and Thomas English (not their real names)
started down their own rocky road or romance when a friend
introduced them.

A daughter of a conservative Muslim cleric, perhaps Lina had
seen it coming that her family would stand in her way when she
decided to marry a foreigner -- and a Catholic.

"For my dad, it was the religion factor. My other relatives
seemed to fan the flames even more saying things like,the guy
won't marry you because he's just having fun", or "even if he
did, it won't last long". But I didn't falter," she said.

The couple finally tied the knot in 1998 after English
converted to Islam.

"It was like the key to everything. My dad said I could be
with anyone as long as he's of the same faith. Fortunately,
Thomas agreed and became a Muslim," Lina said.

The marriage did not automatically dispel all problems.
Negative reactions from most people -- even strangers -- and her
family's constant doubts still prevail, even as she spoke.

"The public seems to shoot these oh-she's-a-naughty-girl looks
when you're with a foreigner. But I always tell myself that I'm
doing the right thing and as long as I dress properly, it won't
matter.

"Married to a foreigner, you encounter many problems. Aside
from the regular issues couples face, you have to deal with
issues like immigration, land ownership, our children's
citizenship and other things besides, but I never tell my family
because they'd immediately jump on it and give me that
I-told-you-so routine," Lina said.

These two mixed couples, and many such others -- whether they
be of interethnic, intercultural or interfaith marriages -- may
seem like an anomaly in a culture of uniformity, in which
differences are seen as a threat, albeit overrated.

But opposites attract, and these couples have found love in a
meeting of minds and character, beyond their obvious differences.

Lina boasts that her uncanny patience is the trait her husband
values most. On her part, she admires English's openness, caring
and sense of responsibility, which she says is what keeps her by
his side with their two toddlers.

"Well, it's the thing to do if love steers you. He's superbly
kind, understanding and doesn't talk much. He complements me
because I talk all the time," said Risma about her husband,
laughing.

And what do you know? It is Risma's talkativeness and maternal
instincts that Suhartono appreciates most about her.