Cliche or not, mixed couples show that love conquers all

Tony Hotland, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

Fiction or not, the romantic tales of Captain John Smith and Pocahontas or of Shrek and Princess Fiona might have spared an enduring spot in this world of uniformity to show that, as the French put it, conquiert tout.

Risma Sirait and her husband Suhartono (not their real names) thought they'd never see the day their parents would be sitting in the same room, enjoying lunch together interspersed with bursts of laughter.

"We yelled too much back then -- at my parents, at his parents, at each other. My sister even slapped me once for being with him," Risma said, recalling the trying months she went through on the receiving end of her family's wrath.

The couple defied perhaps every rule of courtship this community holds too close and too dear: Risma is a Batak and Christian now happily married to her Javanese, Muslim husband.

The unwritten, yet obvious, rules of engagement are not that a Batak cannot get married to a Javanese or a Muslim, and vice- versa. Rather, it is that one must not get romantically involved with someone of a different background -- ethnic, religious or even someone with a different nationality.

Suhartono and Risma met nine years ago at work. He was her subordinate. Love was in the air, so thick that they decided to quit their jobs, a pretty image of walking down the aisle together in their hearts and minds.

"My father was so furious with our plan to wed that he came all the way down from Medan. He intended to take me back there to separate us, but we were more than determined to see this relationship through that we hid away to give them time to calm down," Risma said.

The two never walked down the aisle -- literally speaking. Family on both sides were more than upset with their hardheadedness and tried to stop them. So the two married in secret at a religious affairs office in December 1999.

"It was a decision we rushed to give them a more legitimate reason as to why we couldn't be separated. I got a seasonal ID card claiming I was a Muslim so we could get married. After that ID expired, I used my real one again," she said, laughing.

Life remained hard for the newlyweds until baby Jessica came along.

"(Then) It became easier for us -- and for them -- to deal with this conflict. Our parents finally came to visit, perhaps just to see Jessi. But as time has gone by, we've been able to show them we're doing fine, even with our differences. I still practice Islam and Risma is still Christian," said Suhartono.

More than anything else, he was gracious and proud that he and his wife had finally received their parents' blessings.

"We went to Medan last month for this Batak ceremony, where I was given a family name of my own so that Risma and Jessi won't lose their clan name. And my family was OK with it," he added.

A year before Rahma and Suhartono embarked upon their journey to matrimony, Lina and Thomas English (not their real names) started down their own rocky road or romance when a friend introduced them.

A daughter of a conservative Muslim cleric, perhaps Lina had seen it coming that her family would stand in her way when she decided to marry a foreigner -- and a Catholic.

"For my dad, it was the religion factor. My other relatives seemed to fan the flames even more saying things like,the guy won't marry you because he's just having fun", or "even if he did, it won't last long". But I didn't falter," she said.

The couple finally tied the knot in 1998 after English converted to Islam.

"It was like the key to everything. My dad said I could be with anyone as long as he's of the same faith. Fortunately, Thomas agreed and became a Muslim," Lina said.

The marriage did not automatically dispel all problems. Negative reactions from most people -- even strangers -- and her family's constant doubts still prevail, even as she spoke.

"The public seems to shoot these oh-she's-a-naughty-girl looks when you're with a foreigner. But I always tell myself that I'm doing the right thing and as long as I dress properly, it won't matter.

"Married to a foreigner, you encounter many problems. Aside from the regular issues couples face, you have to deal with issues like immigration, land ownership, our children's citizenship and other things besides, but I never tell my family because they'd immediately jump on it and give me that I-told-you-so routine," Lina said.

These two mixed couples, and many such others -- whether they be of interethnic, intercultural or interfaith marriages -- may seem like an anomaly in a culture of uniformity, in which differences are seen as a threat, albeit overrated.

But opposites attract, and these couples have found love in a meeting of minds and character, beyond their obvious differences.

Lina boasts that her uncanny patience is the trait her husband values most. On her part, she admires English's openness, caring and sense of responsibility, which she says is what keeps her by his side with their two toddlers.

"Well, it's the thing to do if love steers you. He's superbly kind, understanding and doesn't talk much. He complements me because I talk all the time," said Risma about her husband, laughing.

And what do you know? It is Risma's talkativeness and maternal instincts that Suhartono appreciates most about her.