Classified ads that bring classified exhilaration
By Alex Abraham
JAKARTA (JP): Much change has been wrought on human lifestyles by the vagaries of the economy. In the west they speak of the roaring sixties, the bubbly nineties. In the east they spoke of the Asian Miracle and the Pacific Century.
Each of these connotes, in the minds eye, times of growth, of celebration, of exultation, achievement and glowing prospects. But our krismon changed all that.
It made people sit up, think, worry, re-evaluate life and all of their options. Then again the world changed. The krismon (monetary crisis) blossomed into a full-blown kristal (total crisis) and the extent of the sitting up, thinking, worrying and reevaluation reached new heights. Yesterday's joys became but a dream, yesterday's necessities turned into today's expensive luxuries.
In the midst of all of this turmoil I chanced upon a method of coping with the krismon and even kristal. I call this technique, for indeed that is what this powerful phenomenon is, 'Classified Joys', CJ for short.
It is available to all, costs next to nothing, does not call on monetary, physical or even great mental acumen. What makes CJ even more attractive is that it can be enjoyed indoors, outdoors, at home or in the office.
To partake in CJ, age, sex, education, income, creed, height, weight and nationality are no obstacle. To qualify for the enrollment in and enjoyment of CJ, all one needs is a mildly developed sense of humor. Admittedly this is a quality that is hard to come by in these difficult days, but it is a quality that the almighty buried deep in each one of us and a small search is bound to turn up the elusive location of one's funny bones.
True participation in 'Classified Joys' has three minor prerequisites. Firstly a quiet corner -- for this is initially an individual sport, to be enjoyed, adapted and played at ones own convenience.
It may later, as one gains Grand Master status be adapted to doubles, team and even family versions.
Secondly we need a modicum of privacy nook. For the player needs to transcend normal existence and be transported to another time, another place and another space. Screaming children, noisy ojek (motorcycle taxi) and a swarm of relatives do not enhance the chances of success.
The third is a free and open mind, and an ability to take things as they come with no presumptions, no assumptions.
The only equipment needed for the game is a comfortable chair and one old newspaper. Or even just the classified advertisement section of the paper. It's Saturday morning, I've finished two grueling games of tennis and have no plans for the weekend unlike in the pre krismon weekends that were full of picnics, restaurants and theater. So come and join me in Classified Joys as I traverse a fascinating world of what just might be!
ACCOMMODATION. DREAM HOUSE! Good for cycle (is he OK?) 1400sq.m.5Br.5Br., Library, Pool, Hot whirlpool, Cold Jacuzzi (is this for perverts?), Big Garden, Fountain, Putting green, child's garden, entertainment area (where will one find the time?). Grg. 3 cars (I just sold my only one!), Ffurn, W.ht., Wmach, Ovefrid, Fac (but of course), Prbol Aten, tlp (some kind of telegraphic, telepathic new bahasha), safe area, nego.
A joyous half-hour passes deciphering the acronyms. The 'safe area' strikes a welcome chord. And just revel in planning the negotiations to clinch this dream of a deal. then it's easier to face the reality of my plan to move into the kampong!.
MASSAGE. Different kinds. Lulur. Exclusive. Special. Irresistible. Releasing stress. (I am feeling better already.) By man, for man. (Did I speak too soon?) Expert, friendly, energy, enthusiasm, perfect service, many kinds of service. (well, why not? My car needed many kinds of service, as does the air- conditioner, refrigerator and the washing machine!) Smooth and enhance the elasticity of your mental and physical fatigue. (I can feel the cool fingers on my fevered brow, gentle hands that draw electric patterns on my back, all the knotted muscles relax). Release your stress, our endless commitment and excellence all just for you (what do you think old Bill was doing?). Don't waste time... call 081-42....(my hand reaches for the telephone.) "How you waste an entire Saturday morning sitting in the corner" growls my wife of 32 years, temporarily but rudely disrupting the CJ session.
FOOD AND WINE. Of all the world's most civilized pursuits, none has a more glorious history than the pursuit of good wine and great food. I decide to concentrate on food. Exotic dishes like tender grilled chicken the color of old mahogany.
Lamb curry in cashew nut paste with a side dish of creamy kebabs of boneless venison with lemon juice and green coriander. Steamed sea bass on golden mushrooms with hickory barbecue sauce. (What matter if the prices of these offerings are now beginning to exceed my monthly income?) Braised beef brisket. Light butter herb sauce, shiitake mushrooms, Golden lily buds and Yunan ham. (taste buds at the tip of the tongue ooze freely at the glory of such olfactory Epicurean delights.) And to close a choice of dream inducing ice creams, kolat and dawet. I sit back with a beatific smile and burp in contentment after the beautiful bounty of the buffet!
FRIENDSHIP. Boy. 42. (what a beginning!) Male. Attractive. Professional. Faithful. Honest. (What imagination!) Caring, affectionate, reliable. (Is this for real?) Tall, educated, non- smoker, diligent, house owner, wine cellar. (well, the last explains a lot!) Seeks Indonesian girl. Girl, very young, blo 30, slim, tall, warm, slender, tender, (is this for real or what?) faithful, wonderful, feminine, friendly, delicate (I can see liquid brown eyes gazing languidly through black silken tresses.) Seeks kind, understanding expat frgner. Most of me has melted. We lived in simpler days when a mother or more often a grandmother looked for assets and qualities far removed. Or had they just faded? Or am I getting jaded?)
FOR SALE. 27 holes. Arnold Palmer -- so it goes on and on. A Japanese proverb comes to mind. "A frog in the well knows nothing about the ocean." Joys can indeed come classified!! A secret I did not know nor realize until my krismon turned to kristal!.