Choosing to be in or out of the family circle

Choosing to be in or out of the family circle

Sondang Grace Sirait, Contributor, Jakarta

Family gatherings can go either way: simply a banal routine, or
an extravagant venue where proud mothers exchange stories of how
successful their sons and daughters are. In such a family-
oriented society as here, however, it has largely become a
combination of the two.

And some families in particular always seem to find yet more
reasons to celebrate.

There are always events to fete those graduating from college,
finding a job, having a birthday, and of course, getting married.
And it is not as if that is such a bad thing.

I have never really been the kind of person who enjoys
festivities, but once in a while I do blend in well in the joy of
an aunt whose daughter has returned home from abroad with a
degree in management, or of a cousin who suddenly becomes
overexcited about the idea of getting married.

That is what families are for, correct?

But when you have more than a dozen aunts and uncles, 32
cousins and a number of nephews and nieces, believe me, there
will come a point when things get rough.

That is when reality forces you to think whether you are
capable of having a social life beyond cousin A or aunt B. That
is, if you do not count your work colleagues.

As odd as it may sound, I find such reality perilous to our
state of being as Jakartans, who take pride in modernity and
cosmopolitanism, and more importantly as individuals. Because
most of us work five days a week, and usually do not get home
until late in the evening, we rarely have the time to socialize,
our weekends are ever more important and should be left open for
friends and lovers.

But with family obligations in the picture, it just becomes
slightly harder. I have a friend who could hardly escape his
family's tradition of thanksgiving prayers every Saturday, and
another who can never say no to her mother, not even when she
asks to be accompanied to an old friend's relative's wedding. Oh
they complain a lot, for sure, but never in front of their
family.

If you blame submissive behavior, think again.

In most Asian cultures, with Indonesia no exception, families
play a big role in everyday life, up to giving a context to one's
being. More than just individuals, we represent the existence of
a larger cell wrapped up in the labyrinth of values and
traditions.

My Batak side of the family is a firm believer in that, and
religiously enacts those so-called virtues as thoroughly as
possible, even when it imposes certain customization of an
individual's identity. For example, based on rules and manners,
no one in my extended family calls my mother by her name, but
instead, "Nai Yonny" (meaning the mother of Yonny, my
oldest brother).

I am not even going to make a case about why it isn't any of
her other children that they refer to, but to stress my point,
such systems have long been culturally implemented, and it is
going to be a while before any changes can take place.

That is, if they are actually necessary. Of course I would
vote for fewer routine meetings within the family, especially
when it is not oh-so-important, but at the same time I do hope it
does not go as far as eroding the value of the bond within the
family.

In his memoirs, Singaporean statesman Lee Kuan Yew attributed
one chapter to his family, telling stories about his wife,
children and grandchildren, which although short, justly
describes their achievements in life. And like most other
families, apparently the Lees do meet regularly, especially for
Sunday lunch.

Aside from such successful families, there are always those
that can be categorized as dysfunctional. You need only to turn
to Hollywood movies for an example. Despite it all, there is no
doubt one could always find strength, consolation or inspiration
in his own inner circle.

In fact, a large number of business giants have built their
empires through family-run leaderships, and this stretches beyond
Asia; think of the Rockefellers and the Duponts, aside from the
Salims and Riadys here.

When we think of family power in that sense, it serves
undeniably well that good things can come out of one's own
nuclear cell. Some may be idiosyncratic and others plainly
useless, but there is always that thread which holds everything
in place. And living in a close-knit society could actually help
you realize that potential, especially when everyone around you
never stops reminding you of the word keluarga (family).

Wedding invitations are a great example of such communality.
So even if it is Andre and Dewi who are getting married, most
likely their invitation will include dozens of names of extended
relatives of the bride and groom, respectively. Obituaries are
another example, which regularly spread over the inside pages
of any newspaper.

The fact of the matter is that no one can ever escape from the
reality that he or she lives within a certain milieu defined by
the society in the form of a family. History teaches this truth
and sociology has only reinforced it. Ultimately, it depends on
us how to act or react, for better or worse, in or out of the
circle.