Choosing to be in or out of the family circle

Sondang Grace Sirait, Contributor, Jakarta

Family gatherings can go either way: simply a banal routine, or an extravagant venue where proud mothers exchange stories of how successful their sons and daughters are. In such a family- oriented society as here, however, it has largely become a combination of the two.

And some families in particular always seem to find yet more reasons to celebrate.

There are always events to fete those graduating from college, finding a job, having a birthday, and of course, getting married. And it is not as if that is such a bad thing.

I have never really been the kind of person who enjoys festivities, but once in a while I do blend in well in the joy of an aunt whose daughter has returned home from abroad with a degree in management, or of a cousin who suddenly becomes overexcited about the idea of getting married.

That is what families are for, correct?

But when you have more than a dozen aunts and uncles, 32 cousins and a number of nephews and nieces, believe me, there will come a point when things get rough.

That is when reality forces you to think whether you are capable of having a social life beyond cousin A or aunt B. That is, if you do not count your work colleagues.

As odd as it may sound, I find such reality perilous to our state of being as Jakartans, who take pride in modernity and cosmopolitanism, and more importantly as individuals. Because most of us work five days a week, and usually do not get home until late in the evening, we rarely have the time to socialize, our weekends are ever more important and should be left open for friends and lovers.

But with family obligations in the picture, it just becomes slightly harder. I have a friend who could hardly escape his family's tradition of thanksgiving prayers every Saturday, and another who can never say no to her mother, not even when she asks to be accompanied to an old friend's relative's wedding. Oh they complain a lot, for sure, but never in front of their family.

If you blame submissive behavior, think again.

In most Asian cultures, with Indonesia no exception, families play a big role in everyday life, up to giving a context to one's being. More than just individuals, we represent the existence of a larger cell wrapped up in the labyrinth of values and traditions.

My Batak side of the family is a firm believer in that, and religiously enacts those so-called virtues as thoroughly as possible, even when it imposes certain customization of an individual's identity. For example, based on rules and manners, no one in my extended family calls my mother by her name, but instead, "Nai Yonny" (meaning the mother of Yonny, my oldest brother).

I am not even going to make a case about why it isn't any of her other children that they refer to, but to stress my point, such systems have long been culturally implemented, and it is going to be a while before any changes can take place.

That is, if they are actually necessary. Of course I would vote for fewer routine meetings within the family, especially when it is not oh-so-important, but at the same time I do hope it does not go as far as eroding the value of the bond within the family.

In his memoirs, Singaporean statesman Lee Kuan Yew attributed one chapter to his family, telling stories about his wife, children and grandchildren, which although short, justly describes their achievements in life. And like most other families, apparently the Lees do meet regularly, especially for Sunday lunch.

Aside from such successful families, there are always those that can be categorized as dysfunctional. You need only to turn to Hollywood movies for an example. Despite it all, there is no doubt one could always find strength, consolation or inspiration in his own inner circle.

In fact, a large number of business giants have built their empires through family-run leaderships, and this stretches beyond Asia; think of the Rockefellers and the Duponts, aside from the Salims and Riadys here.

When we think of family power in that sense, it serves undeniably well that good things can come out of one's own nuclear cell. Some may be idiosyncratic and others plainly useless, but there is always that thread which holds everything in place. And living in a close-knit society could actually help you realize that potential, especially when everyone around you never stops reminding you of the word keluarga (family).

Wedding invitations are a great example of such communality. So even if it is Andre and Dewi who are getting married, most likely their invitation will include dozens of names of extended relatives of the bride and groom, respectively. Obituaries are another example, which regularly spread over the inside pages of any newspaper.

The fact of the matter is that no one can ever escape from the reality that he or she lives within a certain milieu defined by the society in the form of a family. History teaches this truth and sociology has only reinforced it. Ultimately, it depends on us how to act or react, for better or worse, in or out of the circle.