Children face confusion after staying overseas

Annastashya Emmanuelle, Contributor, Jakarta

Readjusting after being exposed to the ways and culture of another country for a considerable amount of time can be a disorienting experience, especially for those who find out, the hard way, that their country of origin falls short of the expectations they built up whilst overseas.

For those who hardly have a sense of what Indonesia is like as they left the country at a very young age, it is a daunting task to learn and live the norms and values they have only heard about from their parents.

Although many said they did not expect Indonesia to be the same as the country they used to live in, being raised in a Western society makes some question their original culture.

"For example, I can't understand why I have to kneel and kiss my grandparents hands on Lebaran (post-fasting month holiday). I regard them with respect, but I see no need of having to kneel for forgiveness," said Diah Yunani Soenarko who returned to Jakarta about four years ago after living in San Francisco with her family since she was two years old. Not long after, she entered university when her parents moved to Singapore.

"Sadly, I'm seen as the ungrateful child in the eyes of my distant family who considered my behavior as an act of blatant rudeness and that I'm more Western than Indonesian" she said.

It is a custom for Indonesian Muslims to kneel for forgiveness before their elders, known as sungkeman, during the Lebaran holiday.

She could not also relate to her Indonesian friends' persistence in trying to pry into her personal life such as her single life and the fact that she would rather live alone for reasons of privacy rather than share the family house.

"They presumptuously ask me over and over for an answer, while I think it's none of their business," said Nani who often switches from English to Indonesian in her conversations.

During their time together in the United States, her parents make a point of using Indonesian language at home and briefing Nani and her siblings about Indonesian culture. Vacations to Indonesia were rare though, due to financial constraints, she said.

Yet, Nani never felt that she was anything other than Indonesian, as her parents constantly reminded her that although they lived in a foreign country that did not mean that they had an excuse to lose touch with their origins.

Robert Supit, who is now working as a financial consultant in Jakarta after moving around Europe for 15 years was somewhat dazed by the fact that although Indonesia had developed so rapidly, many of the social aspects were left behind by the government.

People cannot rely on the police for protection, and basic education is out of the reach of many Indonesians, he commented.

"My friends told me that firefighters would only come to your assistance after a price is negotiated. I wonder if that too is true," he said.

"Not that people are living so securely and orderly on the other side of the world, but here it's almost like people have nowhere to turn to when they are faced with difficulties," said the 30 year old who first moved to Amsterdam with his mother at the age of 12.

During his time abroad he was always considered a migrant and must prove himself twice as hard as the locals to gain regard, making him always remember that he is Indonesian and home is where he should be.

"I'm not a nationalist, but I always identify myself as an Indonesian. I am, however, grateful for my experiences abroad as they have enriched me as a person," he said.

Retno Rahayu Wiryono, the wife of a diplomat who spent about 20 years abroad, tries her best to instill Indonesian, or more specifically, Javanese values in her children in the hope that they will always be proud of being Indonesian.

The Wiryono children would participate in the flag raising ceremony on Indonesia's Independence Day abroad, and Ibu Wiryono provided them with a Javanese-English dictionary. At the official residence, Indonesian cuisine was served.

Yet, it is impossible to entirely block out the impact of the local culture.

"Because they think in English they express their opinions in English ... in our conversation during breakfast or dinner, we would converse with them in Bahasa and they would usually reply in English," she said.

Compared to children raised in Indonesia, she sees her children express their opinions more freely and have a Western mind-set although they maintain the attitudes of Indonesians.

"As Muslims they would fast during the fasting month, and they are not awkward with Indonesian values," she said, yet her youngest daughter has married her long-time friend in New York; also an Indonesian who grew up overseas, as it is easier to relate to one another being of the same background.

Foreign culture is inescapable for those living overseas, as associates, reading material and personal preferences could alter one's perception on nationalism first introduced by their immediate family.

According to Tamrin Amal Tomagola, a sociologist from the University of Indonesia, when a person positions himself only as a consumer of a certain new culture, he or she is more likely to adapt blindly and lose his awareness of his origins including his nationalism.

"Being able to maintain a critical point of view in comparing cultures instead of just being a consumer could help to avoid becoming completely lost in one's new surroundings," he said.