Chelsea wins the Foot & Ball title

Ssshh, we are going to deviate a bit from The Jakarta Post's style and call it FOOTBALL, or maybe since the first recorded case ever discovered was in England a couple centuries ago, perhaps, "Foot & Ball Activity" would be more apropos.

Last Saturday was the big finale, the pinnacle of English Football, the climax, the zenith of sporting achievement in England, where the Premier League champ was officially crowned.

Ho hum, excuse me while I yawn.

Herein lies the problem; everybody stopped watching the games weeks, even months ago, because the title was all but wrapped up.

An unreconstructed Arsenal enthusiast -- and dear friend -- shouts across the pub, while in the act of hurling a hunk of kecap-soaked tempeh at Stephen Gerrard on the boob tube, much to the displeasure of our refined publican, Bpk. Papa, "That's it!! Chelsea win (sic) the Premiership ... season over!"

But the key here is that this Nostradamusian declaration occurred on Nov. 28, 2004, in the midst of an Arsenal loss to Liverpool, leaving them five points behind surging Chelsea. The only thing that kept the rest of us interested was our Fantasy Football league, of which I, the defending champion, am currently mired down around Liverpool territory going into the final evening of play.

Every once in a while we get a down-to-the-wire "pennant race", but that has not been the case for several years.

What it needs is some razzle dazzle, some buxom, insufficiently attired cheerleaders, more frostie brewskies, more hooliganism -- sports fans really dig that stuff --- and get Don King involved somehow. I know I'm going to rile up the football purists, knee-jerk anti-Americans and FPI wannabes, but think about this: We take the top three teams, Man. United, Arsenal and Chelsea. Have Man U. and Arsenal do a home and away playoff, and then the following week, have a huge gala Super Sunday with the underclad cheer squad performing feats of derring do -- wait the Americans already do that -- so make it a Fantabulous Friday, with Chelsea guaranteed a spot in the Final against the winner of the 2-3 playoff.

Impossible, you say? But they do almost the same thing in the promotion playoffs in the lower divisions and those games are fraught with all manner of drama and generate more excitement for the lumpen proletariat than a sordid affair between Paula Abdul and a trainload of American Idol contestants. TV companies from around the world would be lining up for those Premiership playoff games and Grand Final, Rupert Murdoch would pay billions for the rights, the FA could sell hundreds of thousands of tickets and everybody would make oodles of dough re mi.

Now, I've never been accused of being a socialist or a socialite, let alone someone who condones social intercourse out of wedlock, however, a country bumpkin cop in AmeriKa did once call me a "commie". But that's a story for another day. Nonetheless, I do firmly believe that with all that money pouring in, the English FA could spread it around to all the teams, with the lowest placers getting a slightly larger percentage.

That way the money gets spread around, which will eventually result in more parity. No, we can't have that, more drama, more money and God Forbid, parity! Oh well, as JFK once said to his CIA operatives after the Bay of Pigs debacle, "At least we tried."

Trivia Time:

This season, on Oct. 24, 2004 Arsenal saw its unprecedented 49-game unbeaten streak broken by Man U, after going through the 2003/04 season unbeaten and then some. When was the last time any team went through a whole season without a loss in the English top division, and which team?

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George Best, Bobby Charlton and other Manchester United pals euphorically jog around Wembley stadium in front of a crowd of more than 100,000 with the "Holy Grail" -- the European Champions Cup -- after defeating Benfica and the legendary Eusebio in the 1968 Final 4-1. It all came after a thrilling, dramatic playoff featuring the best clubs in Europe. Could the Premiership take a cue? --------------------------------------------------------------------

Really Bad Prediction:

The opening day of the 1995-96 season. Manchester United is at Villa Park and plays five 20-year-olds, David Beckham, Gary Neville, Nicky Butt, John O'Kane and Paul Scholes, plus 18-year- old Phil Neville. ManU is down 3-0 at half without the injured Steve Bruce, and Alex Ferguson's team loses 3-1.

Afterward, pundit Alan Hansen announces that United will not regain the title because "you'll never win anything with kids". Well... except for that little insignificant thing, The Double (FA Cup & Premier League titles), which United's "kids" subsequently won that season.

They Said It:

"That's what children do -- throw food. That's not fighting. We were real men. We'd have chinned them." -- George Best, football eeity, on the ManU-Arsenal food fight earlier this season.

"I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted." -- George Best

"I couldn't settle in Italy -- it was like living in a foreign country." -- Ian Rush

"Football is a game in which a handful of fit men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise." -- anon commentator

This week in sports history

* May 11, 1997

IBM's supercomputer, Deep Blue defeats Garry Kasparov, the reigning world champion. * May 12, 1970 Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, smashes his 500th home run. * May 13, 1973

Tennis male chauvinist Bobby Riggs defeats Margaret Court, 6- 2, 6-1 in front of a worldwide television audience. He would lose to Billie Jean King later that year. * May 14, 1904

The Olympic Games are first held in the U.S., in St. Louis, Missouri.

Headline of the Week

Wigan players, fans all set for Reading test

I know a lot of sports have drug tests, but a reading test?? And for the fans too?? Gracious sakes, the Oakland Raiders will never make it to another Super Bowl if the NFL starts doing that. Postscript: Wigan passed the test by a score of 3-1 and have been accepted into the Premier League.

Trivia Answer:

Preston North End's "Invincibles" back in 1888/89. PNE, incidentally, just finished in fifth place in what is now called The Coca Cola League Championship Division, aka, the first division, aka the second division. They could be promoted, depending on how they do in the oh-so-exciting playoffs over the next two weeks. Sunderland and Wigan are already in the big dance, aka the Premiership.

-- Rich Simons