Care needed in telling kids about death

Maria Endah Hulupi, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta

When her pet dog died of old age, eight-year-old Sinta was plunged into deep sadness.

On the day she was told that Kopi died, she cried endlessly. Her parents tried to comfort her and she eventually stopped crying. But three days later, her mother, Paulina, spotted her sobbing alone in her room, holding a picture of the dog.

Paulina tried to cheer her up with a gentle and soothing explanation, hoping that time would help heal her daughter's grief.

Child psychologist Seto Mulyadi said that it is wise to introduce the concept of death as part of the natural life cycle to children as early as possible.

Children have their own perception of death but it would be further shaped based on the explanation they received from parents or other adults.

This sensitive subject can be simplified using elements of nature, like wilted flowers, dried leaves on the ground and explaining changes in the seasons, to help them understand the subject. They will have to learn that the process is natural and that similar phases will be experienced by humans.

"This is easier to understand as children do not just need spoken words, they also need to associate the explanation with other things in their surroundings," Seto explained.

One of the most common mistakes is confusing the child with an inappropriate analogy, like describing death as similar to sleeping.

"Children may get the wrong idea about sleeping and become afraid of it as they may think that they will never wake up again," he said.

Another mistake is to give a scary explanation, like all deceased people are buried in a cold dark place, which will lead children into thinking that death is a frightening experience.

Give a positive explanation about death and add some religious values to it.

"The child can be told that God has blessed us with a loving family, friends or pets but there are times when we have to part, but will meet again in heaven," he said.

Then tell the sad child that there is a beautiful life in heaven, where a recently deceased relative or pet will suffer no more and will meet other good people and God.

This then provides an opportunity to encourage the child to behave positively by saying that if he or she behaves nicely, respects others and helps people in need, then eventually he or she will go to heaven.

Seto also underlined the fact that children do need some time to cope with intense emotional experiences like the death of a loved one, a close friend or a family pet.

Forcing them to stop crying and to forget their sadness will only aggravate their condition and further distress the child.

"Allow the child to overcome their sadness. Normally, the transitional period stretches from between a week to a month," he explained.

The wisest thing for parents to do during this sensitive period is to accept their children's sadness and try to show them empathy.

"Say gentle words like 'I understand your sadness but life goes on and people have to move on'," Seto said.

Parents are advised to guide the child to carry out positive activities to express their feelings. This would ease their sadness without forcing them to forget the sweet memories the child had with the deceased.

"Invite the child to pray for the deceased, ask him or her to write poems, draw pictures of the deceased or other activities that they usually perform together," he added, encouraging parents to be creative in their approach to soothe the feelings of a sad child.

Parents may also temporarily break established family rules, such as allowing the child to sleep in their bedroom or letting them sleep with the lights on.

However, if the sadness continues and affects the child's daily activities, or if he or she remains unmotivated, silent or even hysterical, parents are advised to seek professional help.

"We have to draw a line between normal and abnormal sadness. If the sadness remains after the transitional period, professional help is imperative," Seto said.