Care needed in telling kids about death
Care needed in telling kids about death
Maria Endah Hulupi, The Jakarta Post, Jakarta
When her pet dog died of old age, eight-year-old Sinta was
plunged into deep sadness.
On the day she was told that Kopi died, she cried endlessly.
Her parents tried to comfort her and she eventually stopped
crying. But three days later, her mother, Paulina, spotted her
sobbing alone in her room, holding a picture of the dog.
Paulina tried to cheer her up with a gentle and soothing
explanation, hoping that time would help heal her daughter's
grief.
Child psychologist Seto Mulyadi said that it is wise to
introduce the concept of death as part of the natural life cycle
to children as early as possible.
Children have their own perception of death but it would be
further shaped based on the explanation they received from
parents or other adults.
This sensitive subject can be simplified using elements of
nature, like wilted flowers, dried leaves on the ground and
explaining changes in the seasons, to help them understand the
subject. They will have to learn that the process is natural and
that similar phases will be experienced by humans.
"This is easier to understand as children do not just need
spoken words, they also need to associate the explanation with
other things in their surroundings," Seto explained.
One of the most common mistakes is confusing the child with an
inappropriate analogy, like describing death as similar to
sleeping.
"Children may get the wrong idea about sleeping and become
afraid of it as they may think that they will never wake up
again," he said.
Another mistake is to give a scary explanation, like all
deceased people are buried in a cold dark place, which will lead
children into thinking that death is a frightening experience.
Give a positive explanation about death and add some religious
values to it.
"The child can be told that God has blessed us with a loving
family, friends or pets but there are times when we have to part,
but will meet again in heaven," he said.
Then tell the sad child that there is a beautiful life in
heaven, where a recently deceased relative or pet will suffer no
more and will meet other good people and God.
This then provides an opportunity to encourage the child to
behave positively by saying that if he or she behaves nicely,
respects others and helps people in need, then eventually he or
she will go to heaven.
Seto also underlined the fact that children do need some time
to cope with intense emotional experiences like the death of a
loved one, a close friend or a family pet.
Forcing them to stop crying and to forget their sadness will
only aggravate their condition and further distress the child.
"Allow the child to overcome their sadness. Normally, the
transitional period stretches from between a week to a month," he
explained.
The wisest thing for parents to do during this sensitive
period is to accept their children's sadness and try to show them
empathy.
"Say gentle words like 'I understand your sadness but life
goes on and people have to move on'," Seto said.
Parents are advised to guide the child to carry out positive
activities to express their feelings. This would ease their
sadness without forcing them to forget the sweet memories the
child had with the deceased.
"Invite the child to pray for the deceased, ask him or her to
write poems, draw pictures of the deceased or other activities
that they usually perform together," he added, encouraging
parents to be creative in their approach to soothe the feelings
of a sad child.
Parents may also temporarily break established family rules,
such as allowing the child to sleep in their bedroom or letting
them sleep with the lights on.
However, if the sadness continues and affects the child's
daily activities, or if he or she remains unmotivated, silent or
even hysterical, parents are advised to seek professional help.
"We have to draw a line between normal and abnormal sadness.
If the sadness remains after the transitional period,
professional help is imperative," Seto said.