Can love overcome religion in Indonesia?

My cousin, Kania, called me the other day to tell me she is going to get married in Paris on Christmas Eve. How wonderful and romantic! My thoughts drifted to a beautiful, snow-covered Paris with its beautiful Eiffel Tower and Louvre museum.

Kania, 38, and I have been very close since childhood, and she wants me to be there.

As descendants of Javanese nobility and devout Muslims, we are supposed to hold a lavish traditional wedding ceremony here in Jakarta or in Yogyakarta, where our extended family lives. All of the extended family members will blame her parents -- my and aunt and uncle -- for not inviting the rest of the family to their only daughter's wedding.

"We don't mean to insult the family. The problem is, I will marry my Christian boyfriend, Alex. And here in Indonesia, there is no way to legalize and register our marriage," complained Kania.

She, like a lot of other Indonesians in interfaith marriages, have chosen to go to another country to marry because here couples must marry under one religion. If they do not, their marriage is invalid in the eyes of the government.

Going abroad to get married is probably the best option for those who have enough money. But what about the poor? They are often forced to practice what is colloquially called kumpul kebo (literally "living like buffaloes"), or living together out of wedlock. How costly, impractical and complicated life is for people of different faiths in Indonesia, even with its Pancasila state ideology.

My own marriage is an interfaith one. I am a Muslim and my husband is a non-Muslim. It was lucky that when we were married, as demanded by my parents, my husband finally agreed to do it in front of a kyai (Muslim cleric) at the Islamic religious affairs office in South Jakarta.

It did not mean that my wedding ceremony was less difficult and complicated than that of my cousin's. Before we reached a compromise, the two families waged a bitter war of words. Both sets of parents insisted on their own plans and prerequisites.

But an interfaith marriage has been a risky and fragile human relationship for me. Problems occurred during the prenuptial relations, the wedding ceremony, the birth of children and presumably might continue until death. Forget about marrying someone of another religion in Indonesia if you are not a patient, tolerant and understanding person.

And, in Indonesia, marriage not only involves the two people who say their vows, but also their families, society and even the state as well!

I have to admit that our first years of marriage were hell. I was ostracized from most of my extended family. We were not allowed to be participate with them during the Idul Fitri celebrations or any other family gatherings. On my husband's side of the family, I was also considered "a Javanese girl" and thus an outsider.

My children also suffered from verbal, emotional and even physical abuse at school and in the neighborhood when others found out about their parents' different religions.

"Is it right that if Papa dies, he will go to hell?" asked another one of my sons, repeating what someone said to him. I was chilled to the bone.

How can a school and society poison a child's pure heart and mind. How can you explain this to a child?

"I read in my PPKN (Civil and Pancasila teachings) book that we should respect other people regardless of their religion, ethnic origin or social status. But, my friends never respect me," my eldest son once said.

Since the beginning, we vowed to raise our children in a home full of religious tolerance, compassion and empathy toward human beings and God's creatures. But, that does not always work in day-to-day life when coming into contact with thousands of others who do not respect similar values. Despite the nation's bombastic slogan of Bhinneka Tunggal Ika (unity in diversity), and school materials loaded with utopian theories of religious and ethnic tolerance, I have found that we as a people are not quite ready to accept plurality and diversity.

My husband and I and our children have had to deal with a lot and I cannot say that my marriage is a perfect one. But having a decent and honest husband, and blessed with healthy and kind- hearted children, is like heaven on earth to me.

-- Purnama Anggraeni