Can love overcome religion in Indonesia?

Can love overcome religion in Indonesia?

My cousin, Kania, called me the other day to tell me she is
going to get married in Paris on Christmas Eve. How wonderful and
romantic! My thoughts drifted to a beautiful, snow-covered Paris
with its beautiful Eiffel Tower and Louvre museum.

Kania, 38, and I have been very close since childhood, and she
wants me to be there.

As descendants of Javanese nobility and devout Muslims, we are
supposed to hold a lavish traditional wedding ceremony here in
Jakarta or in Yogyakarta, where our extended family lives. All of
the extended family members will blame her parents -- my and aunt
and uncle -- for not inviting the rest of the family to their
only daughter's wedding.

"We don't mean to insult the family. The problem is, I will
marry my Christian boyfriend, Alex. And here in Indonesia, there
is no way to legalize and register our marriage," complained
Kania.

She, like a lot of other Indonesians in interfaith marriages,
have chosen to go to another country to marry because here
couples must marry under one religion. If they do not, their
marriage is invalid in the eyes of the government.

Going abroad to get married is probably the best option for
those who have enough money. But what about the poor? They are
often forced to practice what is colloquially called kumpul kebo
(literally "living like buffaloes"), or living together out of
wedlock. How costly, impractical and complicated life is for
people of different faiths in Indonesia, even with its Pancasila
state ideology.

My own marriage is an interfaith one. I am a Muslim and my
husband is a non-Muslim. It was lucky that when we were married,
as demanded by my parents, my husband finally agreed to do it in
front of a kyai (Muslim cleric) at the Islamic religious affairs
office in South Jakarta.

It did not mean that my wedding ceremony was less difficult
and complicated than that of my cousin's. Before we reached a
compromise, the two families waged a bitter war of words. Both
sets of parents insisted on their own plans and prerequisites.

But an interfaith marriage has been a risky and fragile human
relationship for me. Problems occurred during the prenuptial
relations, the wedding ceremony, the birth of children and
presumably might continue until death. Forget about marrying
someone of another religion in Indonesia if you are not a
patient, tolerant and understanding person.

And, in Indonesia, marriage not only involves the two people
who say their vows, but also their families, society and even the
state as well!

I have to admit that our first years of marriage were hell. I
was ostracized from most of my extended family. We were not
allowed to be participate with them during the Idul Fitri
celebrations or any other family gatherings. On my husband's side
of the family, I was also considered "a Javanese girl" and thus
an outsider.

My children also suffered from verbal, emotional and even
physical abuse at school and in the neighborhood when others
found out about their parents' different religions.

"Is it right that if Papa dies, he will go to hell?" asked
another one of my sons, repeating what someone said to him. I was
chilled to the bone.

How can a school and society poison a child's pure heart and
mind. How can you explain this to a child?

"I read in my PPKN (Civil and Pancasila teachings) book that
we should respect other people regardless of their religion,
ethnic origin or social status. But, my friends never respect
me," my eldest son once said.

Since the beginning, we vowed to raise our children in a home
full of religious tolerance, compassion and empathy toward human
beings and God's creatures. But, that does not always work in
day-to-day life when coming into contact with thousands of others
who do not respect similar values. Despite the nation's bombastic
slogan of Bhinneka Tunggal Ika (unity in diversity), and school
materials loaded with utopian theories of religious and ethnic
tolerance, I have found that we as a people are not quite ready
to accept plurality and diversity.

My husband and I and our children have had to deal with a lot
and I cannot say that my marriage is a perfect one. But having a
decent and honest husband, and blessed with healthy and kind-
hearted children, is like heaven on earth to me.

-- Purnama Anggraeni