Call your Valentine and have a party

Call your Valentine and have a party

By E. Effendi

JAKARTA (JP): Recently, I contacted all my friends from
college. As a social being, I feel obligated to maintain all of
my relationships. Plus, I wanted them to invite me to their
Valentine's Day parties.

Because I am a 27-year-old guy who is still single, the only
thing that excites me about this whole celebration of love is
the parties. In fact, I still remember the first time I was
invited to a Valentine's Day party. I was 12 years old, and my
mind, just like the mind of every other 12 year-old boy, was
focused on only two things: Geometry and science projects.

Hahaha! How funny is that. No, that was what my father thought
I was thinking, whereas what was really on my and other boy's
deep and complex minds were:

1. Girls

2. Trying to see girls naked

Of course I am making a generalization here. There were some
boys who were actually thinking about finding a cure for cancer
and achieving world peace. These boys became the best of friends
with all the high school bullies during lunch break, and you can
easily recall their screams, "No! Don't put my head in the
toilet! Please!"

However, all the other boys were thinking about girls. They
had high spirits and were in their primes, meaning that every
object they saw, including dead squirrels, reminded them of sex.
Our future leaders, ladies and gentlemen.

It was this spirit that took me to my first Valentine's party.
At first, I was not sure I wanted to go since I didn't have a
date, but then I realized that this was the chance to broaden my
social sphere and make some connections, plus there would be free
junk food. So, my mind, the same mind that thought funny armpit
noises were cool, told me to go to the party.

I put on my best clothes and slathered on the hair gel and
about 14 bottles of cologne, and tried my best to look like a
rock star. Then I screamed into my brother's room, asking him to
drive me to the party, because, although this rock star's voice
was already louder than Robert Plant's, he was still too young to
drive.

My brain, in high spirits and filled with sexual desire, was
ready to make some lethal Don Juan moves on the girls there,
until I realized something: I was only 12 years old. At that age,
boys are not supposed to make moves on girls; they are supposed
to think of these Barbie-loving girls as their worst enemies.

So the party was divided into two groups, the boys and,
eeeuuww, the girls. Even if a boy was clearly attracted to a
girl, he had to look at her with disgust and try to stay as far
away from her as possible, as if she was a nuclear bomb ready to
explode. The only chance for us boys was when it was time for the
special Valentine's Day dance, and a teacher named Mr. Handojo,
aware of our agony, randomly selected a girl for every guy to
dance with. Despite his geeky glasses and dirty hair, that night
we all agreed that Mr. Handojo was the coolest person.

I myself secretly had my eyes set on the queen of the party,
Anita, as did all the other boys in the room. Lucky for me, Mr.
Handojo picked her to be my dance partner, causing my brain to
lower the temperature in my hands and turn my face white.

This was a big chance for me. Therefore, trying to impress
her, I showed her something that never failed to amaze the boys:
a scar on my elbow that I got from falling off the stairs. It was
shaped like Java island, only uglier. That was the first time I
realized males and females had very different brain waves. The
rest of the night was all a blur.

Fortunately, we no longer need Mr. Handojo to help us with the
girls at our Valentine's Day parties, besides, considering his
eye problems, Mr. Handojo would probably match the guys with
indoor plants.

The guests at the Valentine's Day parties I attend these days
are mostly grown-ups. That gives them one advantage over little
kids -- they can have beer. Therefore, after knocking back five
cans of brew, a man can forget about his shyness and walk up to
any girl he likes. And after the party, as the alcohol leaves his
system, he can look sweetly at the girl and realize she is
actually Mr. Handojo.

But for those guests with less alcohol in them, the night can
offer many opportunities for love.

However, this does not happen very often because at this age
most of the guests bring a date to the party, usually their
spouse. That is why the programs at these Valentine's Day parties
are designed for couples only. The parties feature several games
that can only be participated in by couples: the couple's dance,
the couple's karaoke contest, the couple's running with the bulls
contest and so on. And at the end of the party, prizes are given
for best couple, best-dressed couple, sexiest couple, best couple
with their pet, best couple who will be divorced soon and
spending Rp 250 million on therapy.

Sadly, there is no category for best lonely man who came to
the party alone, the winner of which would be given something
that many single men think of as the highest priority in their
lives, Playstation. But that's a whole different issue.

As we near the end, I would like to say that it is sad after
the party when everything returns to normal, which means no more
special events celebrating the wonder of love.

However, you should not let this stop you from expressing your
love to your sweetheart. Call her now just to say how much you
love her. Go to her house just to see her sweet face. Give her
gifts that will remind her how special she is to you. Take her
out for a candlelit dinner in a fancy restaurant. And on your
way, please take the time to send me Anita's phone number and
tell her that the scar has healed.