But why does she remain unmarried?

But why does she remain unmarried?

JAKARTA (JP): With each annual visit to my grandmother's
house, I am reminded how hard it is to be a single woman in
Indonesia.

Whenever I visit, my relatives would not stop asking: "Do you
have a boyfriend?" or "When are you going to get married, like
cousin X?" My private love life seems to raise curiosity and
concern among my relatives, particularly the female ones. They
believe there must be "something wrong" with me.

Sometimes they even interfere with my personal life, such as
when my aunt actually set me up for a date with one of her
colleagues. I am 27 years old now, and yes ... still single, but
I am also happy with my job and my life, though I would, of
course, like to get married some day.

One's marital status seems to be of great concern in the
society here. As a priest tries to convince us that God is the
proprietor of the universe and we should obey Him, people here
have tried to convince others into believing that being married
is the only way to achieve happiness, and that being single is
just not normal. This evidently is a common phenomenon in
everyday life and particularly on TV.

Recently, on a TV talk-show program, the topic under
discussion was the "trend among today's Indonesian women to be
single". Some successful actresses who are single appeared on the
show, discussing why more and more women are choosing to marry
late or not get married at all, as they prefer a career to
marriage.

Another late night TV program featured Indonesian actors and
actresses who have stayed single into their forties.

Why is being single such a big issue? I find nothing wrong
with it. What ticks me off, though, is that people look down on
those who choose to be, or whose circumstances leave them single;
for women even more so. Never mind that the woman happens to have
a successful career or is physically attractive.

Those around her would whisper, talk about her behind her back
and try to figure out why she is not wearing a wedding ring. The
conclusions reached would be either she has a too highly paid
job, which drives men away, leaving her unlucky, cursed to spend
her life a spinster, or perhaps she is lesbian. Meanwhile, her
family and friends are setting her up with an array of men,
hoping one would become a prospective husband.

Perhaps one of my favorite lines is when they tell me: "Well a
woman should not be single as she should be aware of her nature
as a woman," which basically means she is supposed to get
married, get pregnant and so preserve the continuity of the human
race.

In these circumstances, it is no wonder so many women are
unhappy with their lives. Whether married or single, whether
focused on their career or mixing a career with marriage, many
suffer depression and end up blaming themselves, thinking there
must something wrong with them. Marriage is no longer about
sharing a life with someone you love, but a status to show that
she is a real woman, as she has a suitor who has asked for her
hand.

I see how this pressure makes many of my female friends
(myself included, sometimes) uneasy and undermines their
confidence in themselves and their lives. For example, I have a
friend who is a talented journalist in her twenties. She works
for one of the country's leading newspapers. It is easy to see
she has the potential to have a successful career, yet she
remains restless and is afraid that her career will prevent her
from getting married.

"Yes, I could be successful, but end up a spinster," she
always says. Her family, meanwhile, drop hints about time limits
for her remaining single.

Another friend tells a different story. She got married in her
mid thirties. She had a successful career as a researcher at a
government agency and was not thinking of marriage as she felt
she had already found her world, but as her age slowly crept up
to thirty-something her family began to worry about her.

They eventually persuaded her to get married to her best
friend. She refused at first, trying to explain that this was not
what she wanted in her life, but eventually gave in. She now has
a daughter, and although she does not regret the marriage, many
times she has said that if she could turn back time, she would
choose to have stayed single.

No doubt more women, like any other human being, would like to
have a companion to share their life with, but not every woman
has a smooth, successful relationship. Is it a crime if a woman
chooses to be single in order to spend more time on her work?
Does it make her less of a woman than those who are married?

How much of this freedom today's Indonesian woman is said to
enjoy is actually enjoyed? Sure, nowadays women are no longer
kept at home to take care of domestic chores and instead have the
freedom to work, and this is a good thing, but sadly women do not
yet have the privilege of freedom to determine their own lives
and happiness, as it remains confined by unwritten rules. A woman
is still not judged by her own personality, her own achievements;
she is not seen as in independent identity, but rather she is
someone's wife, someone's mother or someone's daughter.

If she is forever defined by her ovaries, when can she really
see her own true self?

-- Fitri Wulandari