Sun, 13 Apr 2003

Bumsfelt and Spanks coy over Grotavia plans

Now that President Crush, Secretary of Defense Bumsfelt and General Spanks appear to have achieved their immediate objective in the Middle East -- penetrating Soddem Insane's inner sanctum -- many observers in Grotavia have warned that Indoamnesia might be next on their list of states meriting further attention.

This is despite the fact that Soddem Insane may yet possess the capability to launch retaliatory thrusts at the rear of the coalition forces, no doubt putting the wind up Bumsfelt and Spanks in the process.

Given the sort of dangers still being faced in the Middle East, it comes as no surprise that Spanks has denied that any immediate move against Indoamnesia might be in the offing, even though the country is widely known to possess weapons of mass corruption.

"I think it's perfectly clear that a decapitation mission in Indoamnesia would be pretty much a waste of time," he asserted, referring to intelligence reports that the country had been pretty well decapitated and leaderless anyway for the last couple of years.

Treasury Secretary Ball O'Steel also warned against any moves against Grotavia.

"I'm convinced that any such assault would be misconceived and would place a major strain on the Federal budget," he said, referring to the possibly enormous costs involved in any invasion of Indoamnesia.

"Just think of the bribes we would have to pay to get one of our Humvees through Tanjung Priok (port), let alone an A1M1 Abrams," he said.

General Spanks also cautioned against the bitter resistance that could be expected from Jakarta's tukang parkir (parking attendants) against any attempts by coalition forces to park their tanks in the vicinity of Jl. Sabang.

"It's clear that the entire area would need to be prepped first with large quantities of Rp 1,000 notes if we wanted to avoid a bloodbath."

He added that this could lead to "collateral damage" being inflicted on the foreign captives being held against their will in pubs all along Jl. Jaksa.

"These hostages are in the clutches of Generals Bintang and Anker, two evil and ruthless individuals who have disorientated the poor unfortunates so that they don't know whether they're coming or going most of the time," General Spanks explained.

There was also the problem of the fat-and-mean militia, the general warned. Made up of politicians, police and military officers, as well as senior civil servants, these desperadoes were well used to sniping and taking pot-shots, and were determined to keep milking the country for all it was worth.

Nevertheless, Spanks claimed, the Corruptible Guard would not constitute such a major threat, as a few timely backhanders would soon have them heading for the hills -- their Puncak villas, to be precise.

Meanwhile, Indoamnesian leaders have been swearing blindly all over the place that they will fight to the death to defend their positions of almost absolute power, sinful wealth and unfettered privilege in the face of any foreign aggression.

House Speaker and Kool-Kar chairman Wacky Acky Tandjung, claiming that his present top-of-the-range Mercedes was suffering from "the mother of all rattles", asserted that even ol' Bumsfelt himself wouldn't stop him getting his paws on a new BMW, the funds for which had already been siphoned off from the rice-for- the-poor scheme.

"I think we all know what these cowboys are after. They're trying to get their grubby mitts on our big cars and mansions in Pondok Indah and Bintaro. Especially those beastly Australians, whom, we all know, are ex-convicts and prisoners, unlike us intellectuals here in Grotavia," Wacky said, alluding obliquely to the fact that although convicted of serious criminal offenses, he had not yet spent a single day in prison.

Separately, when asked whom the U.S. would install as a puppet leader in Grotavia, should a successful U.S. invasion ever take place, Secretary Bumsfelt said they were seriously looking at popular, reform-minded Grotavia Governor Snooty Bozo, who seemed to have all the qualifications necessary to serve as a successful puppet.

"Well, he seems to blow with the wind, willing to do just about anything to keep his paws on the purse strings, and is as crooked as an S-hook. In other words, he's just the sort of guy we feel at home with," said Bumsfelt enthusiastically.

For his part, Snooty Bozo said he would welcome assistance from any quarter that would allow him to stay on as governor, and stymie what he termed "undemocratic and subversive" attempts to unseat him from his rightful position through a direct vote of the people, whom he described as "peasants and riffraff".

Bumsfelt added that should negotiations with Snooty fall through, the U.S. military would consider contacting much-loved Grotavia entrepreneur and patron of journalists Dumy Sinatra, who is seen as being able to provide useful "incendiary services" should prolonged resistance be encountered in Indoamnesia. --Bill Blade