Breaking up is hard to do: Choosing divorce

Mely Sutrisno, Contributor, Jakarta

With two lovely children and a caring husband, my family is the the one of my dreams. Or, should I say, was.

Still fresh in my mind is the day when I got married six years ago with the blessings of both our families.

We enjoyed a good life. My husband, now 35, and I, 31, earned more than enough money to live comfortably and raise our two small children, with a little left over to put aside for the future.

At home, I had two maids to assist me, giving me peace of mind to do my job as a program coordinator at an environmental organization here, while my husband was busy with his work at a financial consulting firm.

Then life threw us a curve ball: My husband lost his job of nine years as the company downsized due to the prolonged economic crisis.

He changed almost overnight, going from the caring, loving, patient and responsible man that I knew to a stranger who was bitter and selfish.

As a wife, I realized this was the time when our marriage was being put to the real test, an opportunity to see whether we could fulfill the promise to stay together through good and bad times.

When he lost his job, he told me the news that night in a matter-of-fact tone, like he was saying he was going to be late home from the office.

Listening to him and the way he reacted to the problem, I knew something was wrong. He could have cried or at least looked sad, but he kept an impassive expression, choosing to deny what was going on.

I tried to comfort him anyway, offering soothing words that things would get better. But a few days later, I knew he had not listened to me.

He was gone all day, coming home after midnight very upset, lashing out at me for taking my time to open the door.

From then on, the simplest thing could set him off and ignite a war of words. His coffee was too sweet, the food was too salty, the children were too noisy, I came home too late -- simple things that had not mattered to him before.

We did fight before, just like other couples do, but never like this. He had become an acrimonious man, who did not care that his words were harsh and insulting to me. Even worse, he did not care that he did it in front of the children.

Our home was a battlefield, and we were in separate camps, closed off to each other. Although we had always kept separate bank accounts, we had been open about our financial situation. Now, he would not even tell me the amount of his severance pay.

It was not that I would have taken the money from him. But at least he could have used the money for something useful, putting it away for the children's eductation or maybe a business venture that he can work on.

Instead, he frittered all the money away although I do not know where, announcing one day, "I've finished it all".

Trying to put up with a man who is always ready to explode, bursting with anger all the time, put so much pressure on that I lost one thing that I treasure most -- me.

It was hard to concentrate on the job that I loved, but deep inside I knew I had to be strong since I was the only one my children could count on.

At home, I had to fire one of my two maids to save money although it meant more work for me. Before going to the office, I prepare meals for my children -- a four-year-old boy and a two- year-old girl -- while once I get back from work, I play with them and tell them stories.

My husband kept to himself, busy with his own "schedule" -- reading newspapers, watching television, taking a nap, playing computer games or going out on his own.

The only interest he showed was to have sex with me -- ignoring the constant fighting, my exhaustion from work and my duties at home, and my obvious "back off" signals.

Sleeping in the same bed with him was already hard, but he insisted on more. Refusing him would not be easy either since it would only make him angrier at me, thus making the demand for sex more painful, emotionally and physically, to deal with.

I know many people had to endure the shock of losing their job during the crisis, but that is no excuse for my husband's selfish, callout behavior.

I had tried so hard to be my husband's best partner, being there for him at a difficult time. But, with my two children's interests also on my mind, I had to make a decision for their welfare and my own.

When I married, I had believed it would last forever. Reality proved otherwise; facing up to a crisis in our lives had shown me the real substance of my husband's character and our marriage.

So, I made the decision that I should divorce my husband. Once the paperwork is done, I will be going it alone with my children.