Between desire and loathing in extramarital affairs

By Hyginus Hardoyo

JAKARTA (JP): In front of a sympathetic audience, the young man was willing to speak up and tell of his marital troubles.

"Doctor, my wife is having an extramarital affair with her former boyfriend. Despite my wife's transgression, I still love her and do not want to see my family break up. What should I do?"

He was speaking during a talk on the topic of "Extramarital Affairs, between Threat and Need", led by noted sexologist Boyke Dian Nugraha at a restaurant in Kemang, South Jakarta, late last month.

Oki, married for two and a half years with one child, admitted his marital problems were mainly due to neglect on his part toward his wife.

He said he was too busy with his job in a private company to pay attention to her.

When he found out about his wife's infidelity, Oki said he tried to exact a type of "revenge" -- by having an affair with another woman.

"Well, give more attention to your wife and learn more about her sexual rhythm. In short reduce your work activities (to save the marriage)," Boyke said.

To prevent the problem from getting worse, the doctor also urged Oki to engage in self-introspection. "Remember about the commitment you made when you were about to get married. You said it was OK at that time, so that's it. There is a responsibility there," Boyke said.

Although Oki did not reveal how he found out about his wife's affair, Boyke said women were usually smart in keeping their infidelity secret from their husbands.

He recalled a woman patient who came to him asking to have her genitals checked and "cleaned" after having an extramarital affair.

Her reason? "I don't want to give my husband a 'used thing', you know," she told Boyke.

"You see, even though the woman did an evil thing, she still remembered her husband and tried to give him something better," he said to the audience, which burst into laughter.

Extramarital affairs cross all socioeconomic classes, from low-income people to the haves of business executives, scholars and government officials.

For example, a young housewife came to Boyke for consultation, asking him whether she needed to quit her job to avoid adverse influences from her colleagues.

"Nearly all her coworkers in the office turned out to be having extramarital affairs and it became increasingly strange to see someone who wasn't doing the same thing," he said.

In such an adverse situation, Boyke advised people of all religions to draw on their religious faith and the teachings against committing adultery.

"Once someone encounters a type of 'deviation' in life, she/he can easily fall victim to the fascinating and aggressive assault," Boyke said.

He quoted data that about 30 percent of extramarital affairs were caused by sexual problems, with the rest being due to factors such as lack of communication, feelings of alienation and, like Oki, revenge against an unfaithful partner.

Sex is the main pillar of marriage and if it does not conform to the needs of one or both partners, the marriage would automatically be affected, he said.

Making love not only fulfills reproductive needs in a marriage, he added, but also is a means of expressing love and communicating.

Marriage vows

"Marina" is among those who decided that sexual incompatibility with her husband was enough reason to violate her marriage vows and religious teachings to have an affair.

Both materially and physically, Marina has managed to build a "harmonious" life with her faithful and affectionate husband in which she had almost everything she wants -- a good house, luxury furnishings, expensive jewelry and frequent overseas trips.

The only thing lacking from her life is that her husband, who suffers from acute diabetes, cannot satisfy her sexual needs and she has never reached orgasm.

"My husband cannot have an erection, let alone have sexual intercourse," she told a close friend of hers.

After years of living in "dull and monotonous" circumstances, she finally decided that she would have an affair.

"The most important thing is that I don't get pregnant," she said, which she added would lead to condemnation by her family.

"Yeyen," a widow with a teenage daughter, admitted she sought a kind of "thrill" as an escape from her dull daily routine.

"On the one hand, I'm happy to be separated from my former overjealous husband, but on the other I'm just a normal woman who needs care ... and love from others," said Yeyen, a general medical practitioner.

After separating from her husband about five years ago, Yeyen acknowledged she had engaged in affairs with at least three married men.

"Frankly, I'm actually the faithful housewife type. I wouldn't have done this (dating other women's husbands) if my husband didn't hurt me," she said.

She said that her husband, who came from a middle-class family, was well educated but it did not curb his abusive behavior.

He was verbally abusive to her when he was angry; the crux of their relationship came when he smacked her in the face during an argument.

Yeyen said she did not know when she would settle down with one man.

"Perhaps after I find my ideal man, who wants to marry me and give me and my daughter protection and safety," she said.