Between desire and loathing in extramarital affairs

Between desire and loathing in extramarital affairs

By Hyginus Hardoyo

JAKARTA (JP): In front of a sympathetic audience, the young
man was willing to speak up and tell of his marital troubles.

"Doctor, my wife is having an extramarital affair with her
former boyfriend. Despite my wife's transgression, I still love
her and do not want to see my family break up. What should I do?"

He was speaking during a talk on the topic of "Extramarital
Affairs, between Threat and Need", led by noted sexologist Boyke
Dian Nugraha at a restaurant in Kemang, South Jakarta, late last
month.

Oki, married for two and a half years with one child, admitted
his marital problems were mainly due to neglect on his part
toward his wife.

He said he was too busy with his job in a private company to
pay attention to her.

When he found out about his wife's infidelity, Oki said he
tried to exact a type of "revenge" -- by having an affair with
another woman.

"Well, give more attention to your wife and learn more about
her sexual rhythm. In short reduce your work activities (to save
the marriage)," Boyke said.

To prevent the problem from getting worse, the doctor also
urged Oki to engage in self-introspection. "Remember about the
commitment you made when you were about to get married. You said
it was OK at that time, so that's it. There is a responsibility
there," Boyke said.

Although Oki did not reveal how he found out about his wife's
affair, Boyke said women were usually smart in keeping their
infidelity secret from their husbands.

He recalled a woman patient who came to him asking to have her
genitals checked and "cleaned" after having an extramarital
affair.

Her reason? "I don't want to give my husband a 'used thing',
you know," she told Boyke.

"You see, even though the woman did an evil thing, she still
remembered her husband and tried to give him something better,"
he said to the audience, which burst into laughter.

Extramarital affairs cross all socioeconomic classes, from
low-income people to the haves of business executives, scholars
and government officials.

For example, a young housewife came to Boyke for consultation,
asking him whether she needed to quit her job to avoid adverse
influences from her colleagues.

"Nearly all her coworkers in the office turned out to be
having extramarital affairs and it became increasingly strange to
see someone who wasn't doing the same thing," he said.

In such an adverse situation, Boyke advised people of all
religions to draw on their religious faith and the teachings
against committing adultery.

"Once someone encounters a type of 'deviation' in life, she/he
can easily fall victim to the fascinating and aggressive
assault," Boyke said.

He quoted data that about 30 percent of extramarital affairs
were caused by sexual problems, with the rest being due to
factors such as lack of communication, feelings of alienation
and, like Oki, revenge against an unfaithful partner.

Sex is the main pillar of marriage and if it does not conform
to the needs of one or both partners, the marriage would
automatically be affected, he said.

Making love not only fulfills reproductive needs in a
marriage, he added, but also is a means of expressing love and
communicating.

Marriage vows

"Marina" is among those who decided that sexual
incompatibility with her husband was enough reason to violate her
marriage vows and religious teachings to have an affair.

Both materially and physically, Marina has managed to build a
"harmonious" life with her faithful and affectionate husband in
which she had almost everything she wants -- a good house, luxury
furnishings, expensive jewelry and frequent overseas trips.

The only thing lacking from her life is that her husband, who
suffers from acute diabetes, cannot satisfy her sexual needs and
she has never reached orgasm.

"My husband cannot have an erection, let alone have sexual
intercourse," she told a close friend of hers.

After years of living in "dull and monotonous" circumstances,
she finally decided that she would have an affair.

"The most important thing is that I don't get pregnant," she
said, which she added would lead to condemnation by her family.

"Yeyen," a widow with a teenage daughter, admitted she sought
a kind of "thrill" as an escape from her dull daily routine.

"On the one hand, I'm happy to be separated from my former
overjealous husband, but on the other I'm just a normal woman who
needs care ... and love from others," said Yeyen, a general
medical practitioner.

After separating from her husband about five years ago, Yeyen
acknowledged she had engaged in affairs with at least three
married men.

"Frankly, I'm actually the faithful housewife type. I wouldn't
have done this (dating other women's husbands) if my husband
didn't hurt me," she said.

She said that her husband, who came from a middle-class
family, was well educated but it did not curb his abusive
behavior.

He was verbally abusive to her when he was angry; the crux of
their relationship came when he smacked her in the face during an
argument.

Yeyen said she did not know when she would settle down with
one man.

"Perhaps after I find my ideal man, who wants to marry me and
give me and my daughter protection and safety," she said.