Being a first-time mother not as easy as it looks

Deni Putri, Contributor, Jakarta

"Is my baby thirsty?" I asked my cousin a day after giving birth to my son at a general hospital in Slipi, West Jakarta, nine months ago.

I felt so stupid at even having to ask. After all, I was now a mother, and should understand what the baby needed, right?

I was overjoyed to be a new mother at last, but also apprehensive: I thought that maybe there was something lacking in my maternal instinct if I could not guess what my baby wanted.

I thought I had prepared myself well, poring over magazines and books for moms-to-be. But I soon learned I was only armed with facts and theories -- and that the real knowledge would be gained from hands-on experience.

When my newborn was crying in front of me, I became nervous and scared.

"Please, give my baby to me. I'm afraid to carry him in my arms," I said to my cousin.

I was lucky that my understanding husband and cousin were with me.

My mother, father and mother-in-law came from Bandung the following day gave birth to the baby.

By this time, my son had been moved to the infant care room. Although he was secure in the room and under the nurses' supervision, I felt guilty for not taking care of him myself and not breast-feeding.

When my baby was crying and hungry, I tried to breast-feed him. It had looked so easy and comfortable in those "breast is best" campaign posters -- mother smiling down on a content infant cradled in her arms, no a hair out of place -- but it proved to be anything but for me.

"Hey, look my baby doesn't want to drink breast milk," I told my cousin anxiously.

"I can't breast-feed him as he won't take my breast. It seem he doesn't like breast milk."

"You must try again and again until the baby feels comfortable during breast-feeding," my cousin, younger than me and with no children of her own, said with authority.

She works with doctors of an NGO running various health campaigns, including for breast-feeding, and like a seasoned campaigner she gave me the facts on its importance.

"Physical contact between you and your baby during breast- feeding is good to establish bonding," she said, waxing on about the high nutritional content of breast milk and its importance for building the baby's immune system.

They were words of encouragement, but after trying to breast- feed my baby several times with no success, I felt frustrated and decided to bring my baby to the nurses' room to feed him with a bottle of formula.

I was sad and confused, believing it should not be so hard. I was in a comfortable private room, with everything taken care of, but I still could not get to sleep thinking about my problem.

Mustering all my courage, I asked the doctor what was wrong. Unfortunately, it was bad news: my nipples were inverted and that was causing the difficulty in suckling.

The doctor suggested that I pump my breast milk instead, and give my baby a bottle whenever he needed it.

Things that I had taken for granted, such as bathing my baby, were nothing as I had assumed. I tried to learn from the nurses, who did the job of bathing the babies so efficiently, seemingly oblivious to the screaming around them.

Still, they looked very rough to me.

"Don't worry, your son is fine," the nurse said, seeming to understand my concern.

It was soon time to go it alone, having to bathe my child at home, carry him and dress him all by myself.

That was another process of trial and error: Some relatives complained that I did not carry the baby properly, and I had my mother and cousin laughing when I put his diaper on back to front.

I gradually learned to ignore their comments, trust my maternal instinct and do things for myself. Until there is a day when a mother to be can follow a short course on how to breast- feed, bathe and clothe a newborn, the best approach is to learn by doing. And believe in yourself.