Be firm but gentle with disobedient kids

By Maria Endah Hulupi

JAKARTA (JP): A housewife confided to a friend that she was becoming stressed out trying to handle her ill-behaved, disobedient seven-year-old son.

"He attacks our pet dog, bullies other kids in the neighborhood and steals other kids' belongings. Every time I tell him to stop, he runs away, laughing, as if he enjoys doing it. I just don't know what to do."

Lurking in the back of her mind was the fear the child's mischief was merely a taste of greater emotional upheaval in the future.

While acknowledging that parents face problems in handling disobedient children, child psychiatrist Dwidjo Saputro warned them not to presume the behavior was indicative of a behavioral disorder.

Such an assumption could worsen the relationship between parent and child and hinder the latter's emotional development.

"Some children show difficult behavior but such behavior doesn't necessarily indicate disorders," he said, referring to attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) and conduct disorder (CD).

He identified children with behavioral disorders as displaying emotional outbursts, annoying behavior toward other people, demonstrating opposition verbally and in action, disobeying orders, blaming others for their own mistakes, showing hatred and having an urge to exact revenge.

Dwidjo said professional help was the best way to decide which behavioral problems, if any, were affecting a child and to design a proper treatment for him or her.

In general, children with ADHD likely have bad grades due to their difficulty in concentrating and interacting with other children.

ODD children, up to 60 percent of whom also have ADHD, will display negative behavior, defiance and aggressiveness toward their parents and teachers, usually after the age of six years.

"ODD children usually come from low economic bracket families and without proper treatment they will grow into teenagers with conduct disorder or other antisocial behavior disorders," said a pediatrician from Cipto Mangunkusumo General Hospital, Jimmy Passat.

He said data showed that 30 percent of ODD children grow into teenagers with conduct disorder and 90 percent of teenagers with CD were once ODD children.

Jimmy said there was the strong possibility that conduct disorder was a combination of genetics and psychological and social factors.

"Psychologically, these children are seeking attention by bullying or acting as heroes," he said, noting that bad parenting, poverty and growing up in slum areas and areas with high crime rates also contribute to oppositional defiant disorder.

High risk

Teenagers at high risk for developing conduct disorder are those exposed to physical abuse and drug abuse in their family. These teenagers show negative characteristics such as cruelty and aggressiveness toward people and animals, damaging other people's belongings, stealing and lying.

"Similar behavior could be the result of chronic ailments which have impaired the central nervous system, or because of neurotransmitter imbalances (the substance that transfer nerves impulses) and disorder that affect the brain's lobus temporalis and lobus frontalis," he said.

Dwidjo said behavioral problems that resulted from ailments and neurotransmitter imbalances could be cured with medication, while other behavioral problems could be remedied by therapy.

He advised parents of defiant children to maintain their calm, give their children attention and show affection and firmness when dealing with them.

"In their attempt to relate to parents, children sometimes misbehave or disobey. But parents must let them understand, through expressions or gentle words, that such behavior is unacceptable."

The point is that parents must not focus solely on negative behavior. Praise, gentle pats of encouragement, a hug or a smile every time a child acts positively or achieves something will help the child feel like part of the family.

However, if praise fails to foster obedience, parents may need to sharpen their creativity. "Parent may give them positive and constructive presents that fit their interest," Dwidjo added.

Maintaining discipline at home will teach the children that certain behavior is unacceptable. This can include punishing children by depriving them of things they like to play with or banning them from favorite activities.

"By taking these firm but gentle steps, children will learn to obey rules and maintain appropriate conduct," he said.

"But there is the possibility that they may develop other forms of disobedience or just get out of control. When this happens, parents need to seek professional help," said the founder of Smart Kid: Clinic for Child Development and Learning Problems (KPAKB).

For more information, contact KPAKB at tel. 5669323 or 5682562.