At a Crossroads

By Gopex

This afternoon, like many recent days, it rained heavily. Big droplets of rain pounded down on the yard outside my house.

Gazing out at the sheets of equatorial rain, I grew lost in my thoughts until I was stirred by the playful shouts of my first child, joking with his younger brother, a toddler.

I've worked for 10 years now at a private company in Jakarta, earning enough to keep our family going. I got married seven years ago, and have since become the father two little children.

My first child is five years old, and studies at the kindergarten level in a private school in Depok, near our house.

My 11-month-old child has just learned how to walk.

You can easily imagine how lively my household can be when they are playing around at home. My married life has been uneventful, aside from normal problems which arise from time to time; they are eventually worked out.

Close to the seventh anniversary of our marriage, a feeling began to grow deep in my heart, something that my rational side found hard to accept. It was a feeling of longing for something from deep within which suddenly came to mind, reminding me of the love I experienced during my years as a single man.

* * * *

It was getting darker. The rain was still falling intensely, and I was lost in thought.

It all started with my closeness to a young woman who happened to be a relative of my wife. In the beginning, all went as usual; as with other healthy family relationships, my wife and I were both close to her.

Unwittingly, I became closer and closer to her as the days passed. In the meantime, a deeper gap grew between my wife and I, although I couldn't quite figure out why.

I saw her often but, of course, only in the context of ordinary family get-togethers. But as much as I resisted, our encounters began to mean more and more to me.

One day, Via asked me to accompany her to a mall, as she wanted to do some shopping for New Year's and Christmas. That Sunday happened to be my day off. So we went together to the mall that afternoon, because my wife had gone to visit her grandmother along with the children.

On the way to the mall, we had plenty of time to talk and laugh together, courtesy of the ever-congested roads of Jakarta.

Our conversation made me feel there was an even greater intimacy between us. Although we talked about the usual things, my long-shackled heart suddenly felt the need to steal some blissful freedom.

About an hour later, we finally arrived at the mall and headed to the clothing stores. Holding hands playfully, we went from one store to the other in search of what she wanted. At one of the stores, we stopped as she tugged at my left hand.

"What's up?" I asked, turning around.

"Mas! I want to try that dress on for a minute, it seems like it might be good for me," she said, continuing to pull my hand to guide me into the store.

"Is it the red dress that you're talking about?" I asked, while trying to catch up with her quick footsteps.

Without much prompting she took the dress, checked it closely, and then brought it to a fitting room nearby.

Not long afterward, Via emerged from the fitting room and pulled me close to a mirror near the room. With a happy face, she asked, "Is this dress beautiful on me or what?"

My eyes couldn't blink as looked at her, so stunning was she in that red party dress. While watching her, my heart began to beat faster and faster, and I stood completely still. There was only a feeling of amazement left.

I was enthralled until Via finally called me "Mas" in a high- pitched tone of voice.

"Why do you keep silent when I'm asking you something?" Via asked with an astonished look.

Awakened from my amazement, and feeling a bit ashamed, I smiled, looking at her annoyed little face.

"It's beautiful," I said.

"It's not beautiful. What I meant was do you think this dress suits me or not," she replied, as if annoyed at my curt answer.

"What I mean is .... the dress looks good on you," I said while still looking at her. "You look beautiful in that gown ... perhaps I can give my heart to you before someone else begins going steady with you," I replied, teasingly.

Although a bit nervous, I expressed what I felt.

Her white face was suddenly flush with embarrassment.

She nodded her head.

"Don't make a joke, I'm serious!" she said, pushing away my left hand, which she had been holding for some time.

"All right then, buy it if you like ... but don't forget to pay for it first!" I said, still in jest.

After buying what we both needed by 8 p.m. we shared a meal at a cafe in the shopping center. I also ordered some food to bring home for my children and wife.

We continued to chat while eating. I kept looking at her without shifting my gaze elsewhere as if she were a very strong magnet attracting me.

I wished I could express all my feelings to her, but my mouth felt as if it had been welded shut.

I couldn't reveal what was in my heart. Dammit! I silently cursed myself. Hope, love, doubts, restlessness, these were all feelings that I could not express to her.

Finally, Via held my hands, slowly saying, "Mas ... what's the matter? I see you have been lost in thought."

Smiling lightly, before I had the chance to reply she asked, "Are you tired of accompanying me -- or are you angry with me?"

Feeling a bit surprised, I tried to look calm, even though my heart was beating fast.

My mind kept searching for the right answer to give her -- should I frankly express my feelings? Or, instead, should I just hide them from her?

Via gazed at me, anxiously waiting for my reply. Finally, I spoke to her slowly. "Oh, no -- perhaps I'm just a bit tired ... but there is indeed something distracting me."

I caught my breath, a burden pressing on my chest.

"What's up, Mas?" she asked, holding my fingers.

"You look pretty when you are eager for something," I said again, trying to calm myself. Via, looking serious, seemed annoyed and impatient as she waited for my answer.

"Don't joke around Mas, I'm serious," she said.

"Really! You look very pretty today ... I wish I wasn't married -- and that's no joke, you see," I blurted out.

At that moment, she seemed slightly nervous and said nothing.

Her face was, again, blushed with embarrassment.

She bowed her head.

It was obvious that Via was surely feeling something or, at least, was aware of what I felt, I said to myself.

"What time is it now?" I asked, trying to break the ice.

Her face was still red when she looked at her watch. "It's half past nine," she said, "shall we go home?"

"We'd better go home now, otherwise my wife will be wondering where we are," I replied.

I felt lucky to be near her that night.

On the way home, Via remained silent but, from time to time, stole a glance at me.

After chatting for a while with my wife and I, Via went home.

Once again, I was with my family, just like on any other day.

I regretted having betrayed my family -- especially my wife.

On the other hand, I could not deny myself the feelings I had for Via -- I had to at least tell her.

* * * *

Deep down, the conflicting emotions within my heart continue to rage on.

We still see each other and have become even closer. I am really at a crossroads, and do not know which way to take. Sometimes, I get weary and badly want to end all the confusion.

What I can do now is simply to move on, and resign myself to my fate. Only I know what I am feeling without having to hurt anyone else.

Let this life continue as it should, in the way a tide ebbs and flows, coming and going until the hands of time carry on with the fate they bring with them.

Tonight, it seems, the rain is pounding just a little heavier on the earth outside.

* Mas: Javanese term of respect for a young man, now in general usage.

-- Translated by Ismiarti