Are we too thin-skinned to take criticism?

By Dewi Anggraeni

MELBOURNE (JP): Indonesia-Australia relations have dived, once again. We all know that a strain in a friendship means that both sides have grievances, and those involved are usually too uptight to hear each other out. Instead, they continue to heap insults on each other, making any rapprochement increasingly difficult.

This became obvious in a recent interview with Australia's Minister of Foreign Affairs Alexander Downer, where several times he drowned out subsequent questions in his determination to drive home his points.

And he was emphatic on three points.

Australia has been a good and steadfast friend of Indonesia's since its independence struggle in the 1940s. Australia also has been supportive throughout the economic crisis which hit Indonesia in 1997, while most of the Western countries watched and waited.

Last year, for instance, Australia exhorted the International Monetary Fund and the United States to soften their stances on Indonesia. Australia has shown sympathy to Indonesia and substantiated this sympathy with diplomatic representation and financial aid. Yet all this was promptly forgotten by Indonesia following the results of the referendum in East Timor.

The referendum itself was President B.J. Habibie's decision, not Australia's. Australian Prime Minister John Howard wrote a letter to President Habibie in December last year, with a suggestion that wide-ranging autonomy be given to East Timor for an extended period, and that at the end of that period an assessment be made by both the government and East Timor on the next suitable step. But President Habibie decided on a referendum.

The registration of voters, monitoring of voting procedures and the counting of ballots in the referendum were conducted by a United Nations body, the UN Mission in East Timor (UNAMET), not by Australia. The director of UNAMET was not Australian, but British.

Then, when the political elite and the military in Indonesia did not like the results of the referendum, not only did Australia field all the blame, it was also held responsible for the atrocities committed by the Indonesian Military-trained militias. Its embassy in Jakarta was assaulted daily and even the Australian International School received its share of Molotov cocktails.

When it was pointed out to him that what offended many Indonesians most was the continuous vilification of Indonesia in Australia's media, Downer became defensive. He believed that Australia's media were only expressing dismay, because they were shocked at the scale of atrocity and destruction that occurred in East Timor.

"You mean it is wrong to be appalled by the loss of life and wonton destruction of people's houses and properties?"

Only when he had expressed his grievances and believed that they were taken seriously was he sufficiently mollified to listen to -- and prepared to believe -- that the media reporting had not only put many Indonesians on the defensive, but had also had unpleasant repercussions on Indonesians living in Australia.

Harassment such as threatening phone calls and hostile and sarcastic comments in public places made life uncomfortable for some Indonesians, although, thankfully, only for a short time. And no doubt this news reached Indonesia in no time.

He then graciously said: "It is wrong for people to harass Indonesians. Wrong for them to be rude to ordinary Indonesians, who have nothing to do with what happens in East Timor."

Since it was not the purpose of the interview to brief the minister on the full background of Indonesia's grievances, even a small concession thus uttered was well received.

Indonesia, many Australians believe, accepts Australia as a friend only if it praises Indonesia. As soon as it criticize, it is the worst enemy. Can an honest friendship develop from such a one-sided affair, they ask.

In reality, each party would do well to put the hurt aside and examine the situation in the proper perspective. A dose of introspection would not go astray either.

Australians who are genuine in trying to rebuild the friendship with Indonesia have been doing just that. An Australian professional who completed his postgraduate studies in Britain, confesses that most Australians are unaware how insecure they themselves are.

He proceeds to explain that this is very obvious in relations with Britain and the United States. "We don't take it seriously when criticism comes from New Zealanders, for instance. But when a Briton or an American is critical of Australia, we become offended and promptly hurl insults at them. Why? Because we feel that they do it from a superior stance.

"Is it possible that is how many Indonesians see our critical stance? If it is, should we not understand their hurt and anger," he said.

There indeed appears a rather outdated suspicion that all Westerners (read white) still look down on Indonesians, so each time a Westerner utters anything critical, the image projected on to them is of a big white raj waving a pontificating finger from the top of the stairs of a colonial mansion. Instead of participating in a healthy debate, the object of criticism becomes disproportionately defensive, and worse still, abusive.

Another Australian professional who mixes widely with Indonesians and people of other cultures goes even further.

"The trouble with Australians is we don't realize that we ourselves are very sensitive toward criticism coming from anyone outside our own culture.

"Just because we can laugh at ourselves, we think we can accept other people laughing at us. Not so. We want other people to take us seriously and appreciate what we do. The problem with our relationship with Indonesia is that we are hurt that they don't take us seriously. We are saying, you swallow other people's criticism but you reject ours outright. Aren't we good enough? Are we only good when we give you something?"

Among the intricacies of the current mutual animosity, two aspects seem to stand out on both sides: the feeling of being belittled and the dismay of being held responsible for someone else's doing. From Australia's side, the interview with the minister reinforces this assumption.

The writer is a Melbourne-based journalist and novelist.