Are we a land of smiles or scowls?

JAKARTA (JP): Overheard in a lady's restroom, in a workplace, early Monday morning: "Did you see Donna strutting around in her pants? What a sight! Did she really think she looked good in that get-up?"

A dining hall at lunch time, the same workplace, the same voice: "Now he is a manager, but I've known him since he was a child, his family lived in a ramshackle home in a slum."

A messy work desk, late in the afternoon, the same voice again: "Did you notice how hard that woman tries to dress up? What's she up to? Trying to get a date at her age."

Snippets of actual daily conversations one fine day in a modern workplace. An inevitable consequence of our daily interactions is that we meet "friends" of this kind. They are always there, the proverbial, hateful naysayer, part of our complicated lives. They are no doubt dissatisfied with aspects of their lives, be it a relationship, looks, position, work, you name it. Words dripping with anger, hostility or jealousy about something or somebody pour so easily from their lips as they project their own inadequacies onto others.

A "friend" like this (perhaps viper is a more appropriate appellation) takes a dislike to someone for whatever imagined slight or foible, and then sets about to undermine them with denigrating, vicious words. They are blind to a person's good points, no matter how hard the person strives or achieves. A mistake, regardless of how trivial, is bait for the person to set about cutting away at the very core of someone, undermining their integrity and demeaning them.

All too unpleasantly familiar with someone like this in your office or neighborhood? You may want to (insert preference of grievous bodily torture here) with your own hands. But hold on! A big run-in with this kind of person will achieve nothing -- it is just what they want. Just learn to look at them differently as they have actually been helping you a lot.

How come? Because they are always ready with cutting sarcasm, we tend to be more cautious. Because we shrink at their caustic appraisals of our failings (albeit always prefaced with "I only want to help" before they sneak off to snicker at us behind our backs), we might try to be more careful with whatever we do. And because they tend to exaggerate our shortcomings, we recognize them and work overtime to improve ourselves.

In a way, if we think positively, we can say that they may be our mentors for success. These people usually don't take a step forward as they are too busy scrutinizing their victim's weaknesses.

Which brings us to another point: aren't our people known for friendliness? Isn't the inviting slogan "a friendly people" meant to win over foreign tourists and give them that warm, fuzzy feeling as they rush to get on the next plane to Indonesia?

Honestly, how friendly are we to each other? Can we still call ourselves "friendly" when expletives and terse comments are most commonly heard on the streets, in public areas or workplaces, the very same places where we are supposed to exhibit our friendliness.

"Damn!" and "stupid idiot!" herald the emotions of drivers caught in Jakarta's traffic jams. Go to the shopping mall, even during not-too-busy hours, and the deadpan expressions of cashiers show they appear to have forgotten simple courtesies, unless you are making a hefty purchase. Feel the "I-don't-care- about-you" silence in bus stops, train stations or hospital waiting rooms.

A far cry from my stay in Columbus, Ohio, years ago. I was so impressed with the friendly smiles or chorus of "hello" or "hi" of passersby on the street, supermarket cashiers and bus drivers. My favorite was a public bus driver I met almost every day. An old African-American man, he serenaded passengers alighting the bus with his own jazzy melody: "Watch your step, have a nice day."

Sadly, that doesn't happen on Jakarta's crowded buses or Jabotabek trains. People don't say "hello" or chat with each other, let alone smile. Maybe it is too hot, too crowded and they are all either sleepy or too tired to muster a smile.

But even at work, we are loathe to part with the tiniest expressions of praise or caring.

I am not saying that we need to exchange praise all the time and everywhere. Praise is not always appropriate, especially when it is insincere. But friendly and sincere praise on someone's work, clothes or appearance, or just a simple comment about the weather can do wonders for everyone present.

After all, a kind word and pleasant smile are the only things we really have to give freely and in abundance.

-- Rani Rachmani Moerdiata