Are we a land of smiles or scowls?

Are we a land of smiles or scowls?

JAKARTA (JP): Overheard in a lady's restroom, in a workplace,
early Monday morning: "Did you see Donna strutting around in her
pants? What a sight! Did she really think she looked good in that
get-up?"

A dining hall at lunch time, the same workplace, the same
voice: "Now he is a manager, but I've known him since he was a
child, his family lived in a ramshackle home in a slum."

A messy work desk, late in the afternoon, the same voice
again: "Did you notice how hard that woman tries to dress up?
What's she up to? Trying to get a date at her age."

Snippets of actual daily conversations one fine day in a
modern workplace. An inevitable consequence of our daily
interactions is that we meet "friends" of this kind. They are
always there, the proverbial, hateful naysayer, part of our
complicated lives. They are no doubt dissatisfied with aspects of
their lives, be it a relationship, looks, position, work, you
name it. Words dripping with anger, hostility or jealousy about
something or somebody pour so easily from their lips as they
project their own inadequacies onto others.

A "friend" like this (perhaps viper is a more appropriate
appellation) takes a dislike to someone for whatever imagined
slight or foible, and then sets about to undermine them with
denigrating, vicious words. They are blind to a person's good
points, no matter how hard the person strives or achieves. A
mistake, regardless of how trivial, is bait for the person to set
about cutting away at the very core of someone, undermining their
integrity and demeaning them.

All too unpleasantly familiar with someone like this in your
office or neighborhood? You may want to (insert preference of
grievous bodily torture here) with your own hands. But hold on! A
big run-in with this kind of person will achieve nothing -- it is
just what they want. Just learn to look at them differently as
they have actually been helping you a lot.

How come? Because they are always ready with cutting sarcasm,
we tend to be more cautious. Because we shrink at their caustic
appraisals of our failings (albeit always prefaced with "I only
want to help" before they sneak off to snicker at us behind our
backs), we might try to be more careful with whatever we do. And
because they tend to exaggerate our shortcomings, we recognize
them and work overtime to improve ourselves.

In a way, if we think positively, we can say that they may be
our mentors for success. These people usually don't take a step
forward as they are too busy scrutinizing their victim's
weaknesses.

Which brings us to another point: aren't our people known for
friendliness? Isn't the inviting slogan "a friendly people" meant
to win over foreign tourists and give them that warm, fuzzy
feeling as they rush to get on the next plane to Indonesia?

Honestly, how friendly are we to each other? Can we still call
ourselves "friendly" when expletives and terse comments are most
commonly heard on the streets, in public areas or workplaces, the
very same places where we are supposed to exhibit our
friendliness.

"Damn!" and "stupid idiot!" herald the emotions of drivers
caught in Jakarta's traffic jams. Go to the shopping mall, even
during not-too-busy hours, and the deadpan expressions of
cashiers show they appear to have forgotten simple courtesies,
unless you are making a hefty purchase. Feel the "I-don't-care-
about-you" silence in bus stops, train stations or hospital
waiting rooms.

A far cry from my stay in Columbus, Ohio, years ago. I was so
impressed with the friendly smiles or chorus of "hello" or "hi"
of passersby on the street, supermarket cashiers and bus drivers.
My favorite was a public bus driver I met almost every day. An
old African-American man, he serenaded passengers alighting the
bus with his own jazzy melody: "Watch your step, have a nice
day."

Sadly, that doesn't happen on Jakarta's crowded buses or
Jabotabek trains. People don't say "hello" or chat with each
other, let alone smile. Maybe it is too hot, too crowded and they
are all either sleepy or too tired to muster a smile.

But even at work, we are loathe to part with the tiniest
expressions of praise or caring.

I am not saying that we need to exchange praise all the time
and everywhere. Praise is not always appropriate, especially when
it is insincere. But friendly and sincere praise on someone's
work, clothes or appearance, or just a simple comment about the
weather can do wonders for everyone present.

After all, a kind word and pleasant smile are the only things
we really have to give freely and in abundance.

-- Rani Rachmani Moerdiata