Alone in the crowd

Sri Mulyanti Goenawan

I have lived here for three months now and I suppose I should be able to "fit in", make friends, have a social life, be "one of the crowd".

Somehow, I just cannot find my way. Jakarta, the big capital city, is the place I had to come to to work. To fulfill my ambitions, or rather the ambitions of my family, it was inevitable that Jakarta was where I would end up to pursue a career in banking after graduating. I am working here but I am definitely not living here; I only simply exist.

When I first arrived, like so many others, I was filled with wonder at the skyscrapers that line Jl. Sudirman and Jl. Thamrin. I could hardly believe that I was going to work inside one of these monumental buildings.

With its marbled floors and glass-paneling all around, I felt honored just to be able to say that such a building was my place of work. It was like working inside a palace but I soon found out that I was not to be a princess inside a palace.

My work colleagues were friendly. They helped me settle in and find out about where to go and what to do in the office. Soon I found I had a friend in my immediate supervisor. During the day, he would often visit me at my desk, ask me how things were. But my colleagues told me to be careful with him and I wondered what they meant, but when I asked them they only giggled.

After about two months working at the bank my supervisor came to me during a lunch break and invited me to join him for dinner at a restaurant at a nearby hotel. In my innocence I accepted, I had never been to a dim sum restaurant and was intrigued to find out what it would be like.

We made our appointment for a couple of days later and I have to say I was really looking forward to it. But somehow it seemed to me that he was not because he told me not to tell anybody about it.

The day came for our dinner. As I robotically went through the motions of the day's work, my only thought was of finally having an evening out with someone. My work colleagues were friendly but they never invited me out with them.

He told me to meet him in the lobby of the building, which I thought was strange. Why would we not just leave the office together, at the same time?

We met in the lobby and got into a taxi, not at the car call as I expected but out on the street in front of the building. It was only a short ride to the restaurant but he seemed distracted, constantly looking through the taxi's windows as if he was watching for someone.

As we neared the restaurant, he seemed to relax and started to chat. This continued in the restaurant as he began to ask me about my family and hometown. This was the first time since I came to Jakarta that anyone had shown a genuine interest in me, who I was and what I cared about. The meal was not really to my liking, the food seemed dull and the waiters arrogant, and sadly as the meal progressed I found that the conversation was not to my liking either.

He began to ask about boyfriends and if I was seeing anybody. As we finished our food he moved from across the table to sit next to me in the booth. I began to feel increasingly uncomfortable as he tried to get more comfortable with me.

Eventually he placed his left hand on my thigh but it was too much for me. I told him to take his hand away and go back to the seat on the opposite side of the table. He refused and pushed closer to me. He obviously thought that I was shy and innocent and ready to give him whatever he wanted. I refused.

By now he was angry but I was too. He still refused to return to his seat. Without hesitation, I took a glass from the table and told him I would hit him with it and scream that he was attacking me. The thought of being hit with a glass may have been enough to make him stop, but I think it was more the thought of the potential public humiliation of my screams of accusation that forced him from me.

He went back to his seat and stayed there long enough to tell me that I would regret rejecting him. He paid the bill and left, and I breathed a sigh of relief but wondered what he meant with his warning. It soon became clear what he meant.

He began to spread rumors throughout the office that I had slept with him. That I had asked him to go with him and that after "having my fun", I had rejected him and cast him aside. He told the entire office that I was someone that loved one-night stands. I was suddenly a slut in the eyes of my colleagues.

I could not believe it! These same people had told me to watch out for him but now they were accusing me. It became more and more clear that their initial friendliness was just a mask, a masquerade. They loved the opportunity to gossip about me.

But what do I care? I know the truth and I know that I did the right thing. This world, this city, is big enough for me to survive despite their sneering gossiping. I know that I stood up for myself and I stuck to good principles. I am proud to be who I am and if that means I must be alone and independent then so be it.

Maybe I should try to be part of the crowd. Maybe I should let people take advantage of me and do whatever they want to just so that I can get by with them. But no! This would not be right and people must not let this happen.

If it means that we must be alone in the crowd, then so be it. I will stand by my principles and the more people that do, and will not be compromised, the better we will all be.

Maybe the residents of the big city do not expect this of a simple, small town village girl but maybe the big city, and its dwellers, needs to change. I may be alone but I am not really sad. I am thoughtful and strong, and stronger because of this.