A wacky year ahead? Maybe

Truth is stranger than fiction, or so they say. In a world where what's happening in the legislature is often more bizarre and contrived than anything in the realm of a sensational soap opera, we gaze into our crystal ball and look to what might happen in 2002. Never know, it just might.

1. In January, television actress and TV talk show host Peggy Melati Sukma, who has patented the right to use her trademark "pusiiing ("I'm so confused") squeal, also seeks a patent on the words "'gitu (like that) and yeah, dong. She sets off a trend among celebrities, including Anjasmara, who patents his distinctive yelp as the sniveling TV character Cecep. However, onetime state secretary Moerdiono's attempt to patent "Uhmm" is thrown out of court after considerable deliberation.

2. In February, parents start reporting that their children are rationalizing their bad grades as part of a "settling of scores" by their teachers.

3. In March, the wayward son of former president Soeharto, Hutomo "Tommy" Mandala Putra pens his memoirs, entitled The Real Fugitive. Tommy reveals the heroes in life (Harry Houdini, David Copperfield), his favorite songs (MC Hammer's Can't Touch This and Elvis Presley's Jailhouse Rock) and plans to go back into business to build a luxury prison facility.

He also includes a chapter on what it means to be a "gentleman."

4. In April, in a bid to tie up loose ends from his time in office and silence his many critics, Jakarta Governor Sutiyoso decides that becak (three-wheeled pedicabs) may return to the city's main streets -- but only during three-in-one traffic hours and only when they are driven by onetime preman (thugs) to give them an alternative career. A day later, Sutiyoso retracts his statement, saying he was misquoted.

5. In May, larger than life entertainer Hughes announces she has lost 15 kgs. Jakarta City Police immediately declare Tommy Soeharto the main suspect, but say they cannot prove anything.

6. In June, with the flight of players abroad and the denizens of the National Training Center down to three lonely souls, badminton bigwigs announce plans to recruit foreign players.

It later turns out, however, that the contracts extended to the foreign players contain twice the salaries and benefits demanded by Indonesian players before they headed to foreign shores.

7. In July, citing the pressures of stardom, singing diva Krisdayanti announces she will be leaving the entertainment business. Her star-studded farewell concert is held at the State Palace before a million tearful fans and 24 costume changes -- some in mid-song.

8. In August, Argentina lodges an official diplomatic protest after Indonesian Justice Minister Yusril Ihza Mahendra once again refers to "what's his name from Argentina who was caught in London but couldn't be tried?" He was discussing the precedents for pardons due to the ailing health of a former dictator. Chile, meanwhile, prefers to keep silent.

9.In September, citing boredom as a "domestic diva" and missing her fans, Krisdayanti announces her return to the stage. Her star-studded comeback concert is held at the State Palace again before one million tearful fans and this time, including 36 costume changes. Her farewell and comeback concerts are released together on a double CD.

10.In October, heart-throb Anjasmara is beaten to a pulp by an audience after doing the Cecep yelp once too often at an awards show.

11. In November, onetime Jakarta Police chief Sofjan Jacoeb is a fixture on TV shows and comedies. In most roles, he says very little, but grins a great deal.

12. In late December, the country's psychics, for the 20th year running, make gloomy predictions for the year ahead.

-- Broto Dharma