A secret shared: Masturbation in marriage

By Sri Utami

PURWODADI, Central Java (JP): A wife was shocked when one night she walked in to find her husband masturbating while watching the television.

"Is he not satisfied having sex with me?" she asked her doctor. "Is it normal? Won't it affect his health?"

In theory and in practice, masturbation, or self-stimulation of one's genitals, is a sexual activity that gives pleasure to the practitioner. It is usually common among teenagers during puberty, in the process toward sexual maturity and finding steady sexual partners. Research shows that most male teenagers and some female ones have masturbated.

Despite all the off-color asides about the practice, masturbation is not exclusive to teenagers. Many people continue throughout their lives, including during marriage, to enjoy the sexual and emotional release of masturbation.

Masturbation is not harmful to health if it is not done to excess, forcibly and hygiene is maintained. Men, of course, find it easier to masturbate because they do not need sexual aids. Women may need stimulation from devices such as vibrators to achieve orgasm.

Sexual aides can carry health risks if they are contaminated with bacteria or if their size and shape injure the vagina. One woman experienced problems after masturbating with a sexual aid. The device became stuck in her vagina and she was forced to go to the hospital to have it extracted.

Women using unclean sexual aids often suffer from vaginal infections. And people can also unintentionally injure themselves when they lose themselves in the act.

Probably the worst accident of all is the embarrassment of being caught by others. Teenagers, in particular, may experience great shame if they are discovered masturbating and socially ridiculed or reprimanded -- the resulting feelings could adversely affect their confidence about their sexuality.

Masturbation is an intensely personal act, a secret which often carries enormous shame because many societies and some religions condemn the practice.

Finding one's spouse masturbating can be a traumatic experience for both partners. It can engender deep feelings of sexual insecurity -- such as the wife who wondered why her husband chose to masturbate instead of making love to her -- and ultimately harm the marriage.

Some wives are disgusted at finding their husbands masturbating and may become sexually frigid.

"I lost my desire to have sex with my husband after I once found him masturbating," one said.

Why do men and women continue to masturbate even when they have available sexual partners? Three aspects should be taken into account.

First, the person has most likely been masturbating since before marriage and is already "addicted" to the form of sexual gratification. Being addicted to masturbation is in a way similar to drug addiction. One may derive satisfaction from conventional sexual relationships with a partner, but the urge to masturbate will appear from time to time. Attempts to suppress the desire may lead to feelings of discomfort and frustration.

Second, masturbation provides variation in one's sexual life. A husband or a wife may wish to enjoy the pleasure of masturbation because it offers a different feeling of pleasure from their regular sexual relationship. In this case, masturbation may be positive in that it prevents partners from straying and seeking sexual gratification from others.

Some people argue that practicing masturbation is a safe and healthy way of seeking sexual variety. Their argument is that it is much safer than having sex with another person who be may infected with a sexually transmitted disease, such as AIDS, not to mention the emotional costs involved in relationships.

Third, masturbation is often an "emergency" measure when sexual partners are unable to engage in relations for extended periods. A husband may masturbate, for example, because his wife is having her period or because she has just given birth. In turn, a wife may masturbate because her husband has been away for a time.

Practicing masturbation in a marriage should be done with great care. Hygiene and safety should be prioritized, especially if a sexual aid is used.

Perhaps more important is to take into account the emotions of the people involved. To avoid hurt feelings, insecurities and possible rifts, a partner who wishes to masturbate should discuss the matter with his or her spouse. Both should then be able to understand the other's perspective and they can reach common ground.

Receiving the blessing of one's spouse will have a positive impact on the marriage. A sexual partner may agree to help stimulate the other partner to achieve orgasm. It is not uncommon for both partners to help each other as they masturbate.

Sharing the "secret" means it is no longer a secretive activity carrying great shame. Masturbation is instead a secret to be shared by both partners; there is no need to fear the reaction of being caught and embarrassed.

Masturbation in a marriage, conducted with the consent of both partners, eventually can become a natural variation of the sexual landscape, increasing romantic feelings and guarding against infidelity in the relationship.

The writer is a medical doctor