A secret shared: Masturbation in marriage

A secret shared: Masturbation in marriage

By Sri Utami

PURWODADI, Central Java (JP): A wife was shocked when one
night she walked in to find her husband masturbating while
watching the television.

"Is he not satisfied having sex with me?" she asked her
doctor. "Is it normal? Won't it affect his health?"

In theory and in practice, masturbation, or self-stimulation
of one's genitals, is a sexual activity that gives pleasure to
the practitioner. It is usually common among teenagers during
puberty, in the process toward sexual maturity and finding steady
sexual partners. Research shows that most male teenagers and some
female ones have masturbated.

Despite all the off-color asides about the practice,
masturbation is not exclusive to teenagers. Many people continue
throughout their lives, including during marriage, to enjoy the
sexual and emotional release of masturbation.

Masturbation is not harmful to health if it is not done to
excess, forcibly and hygiene is maintained. Men, of course, find
it easier to masturbate because they do not need sexual aids.
Women may need stimulation from devices such as vibrators to
achieve orgasm.

Sexual aides can carry health risks if they are contaminated
with bacteria or if their size and shape injure the vagina.
One woman experienced problems after masturbating with a sexual
aid. The device became stuck in her vagina and she was forced to
go to the hospital to have it extracted.

Women using unclean sexual aids often suffer from vaginal
infections. And people can also unintentionally injure themselves
when they lose themselves in the act.

Probably the worst accident of all is the embarrassment of
being caught by others. Teenagers, in particular, may experience
great shame if they are discovered masturbating and socially
ridiculed or reprimanded -- the resulting feelings could
adversely affect their confidence about their sexuality.

Masturbation is an intensely personal act, a secret which
often carries enormous shame because many societies and some
religions condemn the practice.

Finding one's spouse masturbating can be a traumatic
experience for both partners. It can engender deep feelings of
sexual insecurity -- such as the wife who wondered why her
husband chose to masturbate instead of making love to her -- and
ultimately harm the marriage.

Some wives are disgusted at finding their husbands
masturbating and may become sexually frigid.

"I lost my desire to have sex with my husband after I once
found him masturbating," one said.

Why do men and women continue to masturbate even when they
have available sexual partners? Three aspects should be taken
into account.

First, the person has most likely been masturbating since
before marriage and is already "addicted" to the form of sexual
gratification. Being addicted to masturbation is in a way similar
to drug addiction. One may derive satisfaction from conventional
sexual relationships with a partner, but the urge to masturbate
will appear from time to time. Attempts to suppress the desire
may lead to feelings of discomfort and frustration.

Second, masturbation provides variation in one's sexual life.
A husband or a wife may wish to enjoy the pleasure of
masturbation because it offers a different feeling of pleasure
from their regular sexual relationship. In this case,
masturbation may be positive in that it prevents partners from
straying and seeking sexual gratification from others.

Some people argue that practicing masturbation is a safe and
healthy way of seeking sexual variety. Their argument is that it
is much safer than having sex with another person who be may
infected with a sexually transmitted disease, such as AIDS, not
to mention the emotional costs involved in relationships.

Third, masturbation is often an "emergency" measure when
sexual partners are unable to engage in relations for extended
periods. A husband may masturbate, for example, because his wife
is having her period or because she has just given birth. In
turn, a wife may masturbate because her husband has been away for
a time.

Practicing masturbation in a marriage should be done with
great care. Hygiene and safety should be prioritized, especially
if a sexual aid is used.

Perhaps more important is to take into account the emotions of
the people involved. To avoid hurt feelings, insecurities and
possible rifts, a partner who wishes to masturbate should discuss
the matter with his or her spouse. Both should then be able to
understand the other's perspective and they can reach common
ground.

Receiving the blessing of one's spouse will have a positive
impact on the marriage. A sexual partner may agree to help
stimulate the other partner to achieve orgasm. It is not uncommon
for both partners to help each other as they masturbate.

Sharing the "secret" means it is no longer a secretive
activity carrying great shame. Masturbation is instead a secret
to be shared by both partners; there is no need to fear the
reaction of being caught and embarrassed.

Masturbation in a marriage, conducted with the consent of both
partners, eventually can become a natural variation of the sexual
landscape, increasing romantic feelings and guarding against
infidelity in the relationship.

The writer is a medical doctor