A mirror cracked
By Rachmat H. Cahyono
Not every person likes to see his or her face in the mirror because the looking glass always tells the truth.
Toni Lazuardi dispassionately looked at the mirror that morning. He was surprised to see a strange face there, a visage from his past. The lines on his face, though, were not familiar. His heart was not moved.
The hair appeared thinner and had turned gray. "Oh, God, my own shadow." Slowly another face faded in. The face of a woman who was his wife for 20 years although it was no longer clear to him when was the exact time they savored the warmth of marital bliss.
He realized it was too long ago. He felt like Sisyphus, who constantly pushed rocks to the top of the hill only for them to roll back down on him.
His career prospered but the cost was marital harmony, which became stale at the height of his career. After that he never tried to ask his wife if she felt something was missing from their relationship despite his endeavors to create a happy family.
He did not have the guts to ask the question because the answer would be predictable. She and the two children would say they missed the warmth of many years ago when he still had enough time and attention for them after office hours.
Then he would take them shopping for small things, such as school bags or shoes. It was also still fresh in his mind how his wife complained about the soaring prices of basic commodities or his children's stories about their naughty classmates. Some of them dared to lift their teacher's skirt.
Yes, someone's career can be addictive. In his case, although he tried to push his weaknesses under the rug of slogans pronouncing that everything he did was for the family, ultimately he found out he was dragged too far by the pretension. He realized it was hard for him to see the difference between a lie and stupidity.
***
Something unbearable befell him. He felt like thousands of huge rocks were piled on his back. His oldest daughter, Tia, was hosting a birthday party when he arrived home from the office. With great joy and amid the blaring music, Tia welcomed him as he presented her with a birthday present.
In the exciting situation, a euphoric Tia introduced him to her friends and well-wishers. Slowly, he was carried away by the excitement. Suddenly, however, one of the girls made him blush, his lips frozen, although there was nothing unexpected about her down-to-earth smile when she offered him her hand to shake. Tia did not notice the change in her father's mood. She continued to introduce him to her friends.
"And this one, Pop, is Rika, who is also my close friend although she studies at another school. She is beautiful, isn't she? Anyway she is very amiable."
***
Another day, another occasion. It was the final hours of 1999. The new millennium was in front of every one in how they say the galaxies and planet keep rotating. So are the sun and the moon. Indonesia was for two years occupied with multidimensional crises. However, in some segment of society, the rhythm of life did not change.
The following morning before he had time to take breakfast, Toni rushed to the airport to catch the first flight to Semarang, the capital of Central Java. There was something to do at the branch office there. He left behind an empty home because his family had flown to Bali for a holiday.
After several hectic hours in Semarang, he returned to Jakarta to join the big boss who was playing golf with Mr. X, a Cabinet minister. The boss was seemingly making every effort to forge a close relationship with the pudgy minister, known for his childish look, because he was once a younger schoolmate of his.
Tradition has it that a minister needs several months before he starts to abuse his position. After that, he begins to shed the sense of shame.
The next shift in mentality would make a former radical street demonstrator as tame as a rabbit in collusion with businesspeople. Toni's boss long learned every art of greasing a new minister's palm for new business projects.
From the golf course Toni returned to his palatial home where he was trapped by the atmosphere of loneliness. He did not stay long. He had promised a business partner to attend his cocktail party at a luxury hotel.
He found the party in full swing but it could not distract him from his thinking about his family. He was trying to imagine what his wife and children were doing on the island of paradise at this time of the year.
He was deep in thought when a man suddenly tapped him on his shoulder. "In a cheerful party like this you should not bury yourself in your mind," the man said, smiling.
It was Iskandar, a director of a far-flung conglomerate and one of his business colleagues. Iskandar was flanked by two beautiful girls. The first one was in a high cut miniskirt and another wore a blouse, which was so artfully designed to expose her cleavage.
Suddenly Iskandar disturbed Tony's wandering eyes by saying: "I told you to forget your family for a while. This is the right place in your life to feel that you are a bachelor again."
Iskandar gave a sideways glance at the women.
"Now how about your negotiation with Mr. Y? Fruitful?" Toni asked Iskandar, mentioning the name of a director general at the economics ministry.
"Oh, you mean that hypocrite? He is cheap. His value is only a BMW of the latest model. Vivi -- you know her I think -- can handle him without trouble. But lately he tried to pressure me for a 10 percent kickback. Nope, I said, 5 percent is OK," added Iskandar. When he mentioned Vivi he did not forget to give the woman with the shining shoulders a glance of pride.
Iskandar continued talking about the latest situation in his business relations with bureaucrats.
"There are too many crooks and robbers with the faces of saints within the bureaucracy, today. But we have to play according to the rules of the games. Their rules, I mean. The most important thing is in this case is you shouldn't have a feeling of guilt."
Toni was quiet. But when he tried to tell his latest experience, Iskandar cut it short: "Let's stop talking about business. Let's enjoy ourselves."
"Remember, ladies," Iskandar told the women in a lower voice, "Oom* Tony is a very successful businessman. He is the right hand of Mr. ....." Iskandar mentioned the name of a well-known business tycoon, a product of Soeharto's New Order regime.
"But, young ladies," Toni interrupted, "be careful, Oom Iskandar is joking. Remember, businesspeople are good at chatter. They can sell our country to foreign investors, if necessary."
Tony seemed to carried away by the conversation and started to forget his family. He adapted himself to the enjoyable situation.
Iskandar continued talking but mostly praising Tony to the women; the latter did not try to hide his special appreciation of the women's distinct power of seduction. He believed they were no older than 20 years and 21 years each, about the same age as Tia, who was a third year university student.
He did not know who they were or what they did. Perhaps it was not hard to guess since Iskandar was known for his association with beautiful women.
However, in his heart and even in this situation Tony could become serious. While listening to Iskandar's flowery words, Toni stared into his eyes. It was a rather unpleasant experience; he saw his own image in the latter's expression.
Or was the image, perhaps, the picture of a middle age crisis. The feeling of anxiety of a man who every morning notices the growth of fresh gray hair and emergence of new wrinkles?
Shit, Toni said to himself. I do not care about all this. A man can be as feeble-minded as anything if he let his ego become childish again.
It was perhaps for this reason that when it the clock struck midnight and the lights dimmed, Toni let Sissy softly touch his hand and pull him into her arms. For a moment the girl kissed him lustfully.
"Happy New Year, Oom Toni," she whispered into his ear, as her hand pressed into his. Around them the smells of perfume and alcohol mixed, an aroma which apparently helped the people to stay put. It had a special effect on Toni, who found his manliness rekindled after so many years in slumber.
Whether Toni was aware, his movements were closely watched by Iskandar. It might not have been so important for him. He did not show any reaction when Iskandar handed him a key and whispered: "I have booked a room in this hotel for you. You seem to like Sissy, take her with you. Your happiness tonight is a New Year's gift from me."
In his heart Toni cursed Iskandar because he knew that tonight his libido had returned. Still, he could not reject the seductive gift.
***
Back home the next day, Toni remembered his daughter's party. He saw again in his mind Rika's alluring smile. In fact it was nothing particular and he tried to act in an innocent way. But the way she shook his hand and smiled, and his response, had crushed his honor as a father.
Feeling unwell, Toni retreated to his bedroom. There he did not feel at peace. The large mirror again told him he was no longer young. I might be authoritative, Toni thought, but I feel a stranger to myself. He was being tortured by his own guilt.
In his dream, he saw both Rika and Sissy or whoever they were coming to sleep with him and devastating his manly ego.
(This is a tiny New Year's present to Liliana M, my wife)
-- Translated by TIS
* Oom is Dutch for uncle but in Indonesia it has developed into the more colloquial sir, older friend or even lover.