5 Ws and 1 H of communication between parents and children

By Santi W.E. Soekanto

JAKARTA (JP): It has been a year since last May when governments and business leaders of the Group of Eight (G-8) of the most industrialized countries held a conference to intensify cooperation in fighting cross-border cybercrime.

Despite having well-developed legal systems, the industrialized countries realized their limitations in dealing with crimes such as financial scams and cyberporn. The problem continues until today -- which is why countries such as the United States have special security agencies to deal with cybercrimes -- especially with regard to those that victimize children.

Is Indonesia facing the same problem? Only 0.6 percent of Indonesia's population of 210 million have access to the Internet at the moment, but this is not a reason to feel safe as technology accelerates so fast that preparations must be made to anticipate problems in the immediate future.

One 15-year-old Indonesian boy, for instance, was apprehended by the Singaporean Police's Computer Crime Branch at a relative's apartment in Singapore after it was discovered he had hacked into the computer program of a Singaporean research and development institute. He was released on $7,000 bail.

Another young man, a 20-year-old student in Jakarta, was arrested last year for hacking into the computer program of a large automotive company.

Our legal system is based on the principle of lex loci delicti meaning the law of the place where the crime was perpetrated, which is contradictory to the conditions prevailing in cyberspace. This law means that cybercrimes should be punished in the cyberworld and followed up on by cyberpolice, which of course is nonsense.

If pedophiles, for instance, victimized Indonesian children through the Internet, we would not be able to prosecute them because of the absence of a law.

Another major problem looming for Indonesia is the onslaught of TV programs that will become even greater in the coming free trade era. If parents think they have a lot to worry about today, they will soon have more to worry about. Unless we really pay attention to current and future developments in information technology and networks, we will soon be in for a surprise.

This situation only highlights the intensified need for families to brace themselves against the often harmful onslaught of information from information and telecommunications technology.

Good communications help -- and one of the ways to define what good communications are is to use the journalistic guideline famously known as the 5 Ws and 1 H (What, Why, Where, When, Who, and How) could help.

Communication is only a means, a tool, for parents to convey their love toward their children, and to educate and bring them up. With communication -- in its various forms -- parents show that they care. With communication, parents signal attention, advice, praise, information, appreciation, reproach ... These are the WHAT of communication.

Why do parents communicate? They are the ones who decide the answers. Do parents want to have "super-obedient" children, do they want children who are confident, independent and dare to explore. Do they want children who are humble, sensitive, creative? Parents decide what communication results they want.

But the main aim of communication is to connect, giving both parents and children a sense of belonging, of being together, of being held securely. I believe that this constitutes the WHY of communication.

Then, WHEN? Parents start communicating with their children even before they are born, and continue communicating with them when they are toddlers, teenagers, and even when they have become parents themselves. Communication is needed when children are sad, happy, or when they are enthusiastically completing a school project.

Parents can maintain communication and connection with their children even during turbulent times such as when children reach puberty, or face some sort of crisis. Sometimes it takes hardship of some sort to help introverted children open up. Parents would be mistaken if they think that communicating is something that they do when they have time to spare.

Parents can communicate with their children wherever they are. Islam teaches its followers that even death cannot completely stop communication -- the prayer of a good child or the prayer of a mother for her children who has passed away, they, too, are communication. I believe all these are the WHERE of communication.

There are no identical parents and children. A second-born child who always questions her parents would need a different approach from the one applied for a first-born who is always anxious for her parents' approval. A first-born daughter has different anxieties than a first-born son.

A second-born mother would react differently from the youngest-born one. The personality of children and parents all contribute to how a family communicates, how it "dances", because communication is actually a dance of sorts.

A family can have a rock and roll dance, or a waltz, or whatever, because no families are the same as their members are unique. This is the WHO of communication.

What about the HOW of communication? Being a parent, being a mother or a father, is an extraordinarily tough job because instructions are not always clear or available. Islam, for example, teaches parents a lot of things about education, but day to day life often exposes parents to difficulties that they are not always able to overcome.

The following are some thoughts about the "how" of communication. There are of course many other ideas that can be added, but parents, fortunately, have many opportunities and time to learn:

1. Never think your child is stupid or ignorant. Unlike what people think, even the youngest child can actually absorb much from their environment. They see, feel, hear, think -- even if with limitations. Sometimes children are even more sensitive and know more than parents think they are and do. So expect more, they'll give more.

2. Be careful of parents' ability to "hypnotize" children. The computer-lingo of GIGO (garbage in garbage out) applies in education. If parents wish to see a positive output, they should of course give positive input. Praise, appreciation, proportional reproaches and words that respect the children will decide what output we will get from children.

3. Parents need flexibility. There will be times when parents need to be heroes, other times when they need to act as friends or even sparring partners. Sensitivity is needed to see when children need protection, and when they need to be allowed to venture further and explore.

4. Parents need to give children lots of the three most important factors of communication, namely Time, Touch and Talk.

Everyone has what is called the skin hunger -- touch will answer this need. Everyone needs to be listened to, needs to express their feelings, so a time to talk is imperative for the well-being of a person. And all these can be done at any time.

Time, touch and talk will decide whether a family has healthy communication, whether a child will grow up normal and healthy and be able to explore the world, whether he will grow up confident or timid.

5. Parents need to be creative. Not all parental skills can be gained in a short time, which is why we need to be brave enough to try and be creative.

--The writer is a journalist and psychologist.